far from grace

I'm constantly thinking about my children's behavior.  Are they growing up to be nice?  Obedient?  Grateful?  Are they kind?  Helpful?  Why do they still complain about toy pick-up, after all these years?  Why don't they instantly say thank you?

It goes on and on.  I'm afraid it's consistent with my being a highly conscientious person.  I do these parenting self-checks to make sure I'm doing my best to prepare them for life.

Awhile back, I learned from the book Different Children, Different Needs, that I am what is called a corrective parent.  Turns out that conscientious people not only correct themselves, but they correct their family as well.  A lot.

Ugh!  Exactly what I don't want to be!  Corrective.  It even sounds ugly.

The other day I was reading a child-rearing tips blog post.  This mother served one of two lunches to her large brood everyday.  She said the children didn't complain, nor would she have let them complain.

Excuse me?  You mean I shouldn't be making three different breakfasts every morning, to satisfy three different children?  And I shouldn't be buying a certain kind of whole wheat tortilla, to satisfy my Timothy?  He should just eat what I serve, or go to bed, perhaps?

When I read such child-rearing posts, I always question whether we're strict enough.  What's wrong with us?  Should we spank every day?  Take away more?  Why are we working on the same behaviors for so long?  Why are they so restless and active, compared to some?


If only we would correct more, they would behave better.  Right?

I used to think that.  But not now.  It's too discouraging to the child.  The more we correct, the less they want to conform.  Consistency is key, but excessive correction is poison.

And I have a confession to make.  I'm not more perfect than they are.  Sometimes I have fits.  Sometimes I'm not kind, or patient, or loving.  Sometimes I rant and rave about the toys.....about the shoes......about the mud........about the water splashed outside the tub......about the jacket not on the hook.....about the cheesestick wrapper left on the floor.

What if I made a tape of myself?   Would I want to throw up after hearing just one day?  I'm sure I would destroy it as quickly as possible, lest anyone else ever hear it.  Dealing with an ADHD child doesn't exactly boost parental mood, let me tell you.

But God is patient with me.  He sees me as an individual, because he made me one.  He works with me on one or two things at a time.  He is sacrificial more than corrective.

I'm ashamed of the behavior I've displayed, especially in the last month during these two illnesses.  Being sick depresses me.  Not an excuse, just an unfortunate reality.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I want to look at my children in a new way.  Not as projects.  No more of that.

I want to see them as beautiful works in progress.  I want to encourage, love, support, and nurture them.  I want to laugh with them.   I want to be someone they genuinely like.  Someone they want to emulate.

I'm sorry, Lord.  I repent.  Help me to extend grace and mercy to my children, while they work at shedding their childish ways.  Help me to parent like you do.  Remake me into someone who's humble, gentle and quiet-spirited.

change me

We have a peaceful marriage, as marriages go.  When peace does fly out the window, often ADHD is the culprit.  Or so it seems.

We took time off of Daniel's medication for awhile, then we tried another type, called Focalin Extended Release.  In the lowest available dose, 5 mg, it worked roughly 7 hours per day for a couple of months.  Seven hours seems to be the maximum relief available, which gets a child through school, thankfully.  Meds rarely make an ADHD child's or adult's behavior and emotions reach a completely normal range. But they can significantly alter outcomes during the most productive part of the day, which is why they're usually worth the effort.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder often accompanies ADD/ADHD, as well as other co-morbid disorders, such as OCD, Oppositional Defiant disorder,  Tourette's Syndrome (tics), Conduct Disorder, or a mood disorder (often depression).  In fact, sixty-five percent of sufferers have one or more co-morbid disorders, making it difficult to find a medication for the ADHD that doesn't aggravate a co-morbid disorder.  Resorting to two medications is not uncommon, although obviously we'd never want to go there.  We never wanted to resort to any medication, period.

If you're reading this and feeling judgmental about the use of meds, stop.  Unless you've tried to rear an ADD/ADHD child, you have no right to form any judgement.

Anyhow, I think we're at a point in which the Focalin ER is aggravating the anxiety, making symptoms of anxiety as troublesome as the ADHD.  Making a long story short, these issues are robbing us of marital peace right now, or so it seems.

Twice I have typed "or so it seems".  Why, you ask, would I add that?  The reason is that whenever I feel like it would be best if my beloved packed up and disappeared, it is never the ADHD, or money-management woes, or lack of communication, or any other popular hot-button marriage issue.  Instead, it is my heart.  My heart.

Most of all, right now, I'm thankful.  I've been exposed to enough good teaching, backed up by enough Scripture, to know that when the Enemy tries to tell me I've married the wrong person, I know immediately that it's a false, evil conclusion.

Once we're married, discontent with our significant-other is never a matter of the wrong person.  It's a matter of the heart.  Our heart. 

We have only to say, "God, change me."


As a post script, I want to say that if you're in a physically-abusive marriage, the best thing to do is leave.  Don't date or marry or stray during the separation period.  Just let the Lord restore the abusing spouse.  Yes, it will take time.  After the Lord has had his way with the abuser, it will be a glorious marriage, and all the glory will go to the Father.

And yet still, the leaving spouse needs to ask the Lord for a heart change; it will take a major heart change to allow the abused person to forgive and forget.  Without this forgiveness, reconciliation would be short-lived, at best.

terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad sleeping

Good morning!  I have only checked my e-mail three times these last few days.  Victory!

The master schedule I've been writing--designed to put us on the road to sanity and learning--is nearly done.  My Anna Grace, 9 months-old, sweet as honey, and a blessing beyond words, is a terrible, horrible, no-good, VERY-BAD SLEEPER--to borrow some words from Alexander.  My only time to work on the schedule is after the children are in bed at night.  Her Royal Sweetness wakes up so frequently--night and day--that the planning and revising is a very. slow. process.

Just now, I put her down for what should have been a 90-minute nap.  As I hear her cries and look at the clock, I see it was only a 35-minute nap.  While it's very hard not to get emotionally pent up about this (given that I'm sleep deprived), I will simply get her up and let it go.

Because I have no choice.  God, allow Her Royal Sweetness to sleep!  Please!  Pretty please, even.

No sarcasm in the "Royal Sweetness" part....she really does have the best temperament ever.  Remind me when she is three that I once said this, will you?

a life story

I'm still working on this life story piece, but here is an updated version. A few more details were given to me by my sister-in-law, during her recent visit.

___________________________________________________

Don's mom was outside chatting with her neighbors and snapping beans one summer night, many years ago.  The neighbor's teenager had just obtained a used motorcycle.  Half jokingly, he offered her a ride.  Don's mother, a fun-loving, relaxed woman, accepted the invitation.  Putting her beans on the stove first, she joined him for a quick ride down their rural Delaware road.

Several hours later, Don, age 16, and his sister, Lorrie, age 13, went to the morgue.....to identify their mother's body--her head having been crushed by a semi-truck.

I can't imagine all the ways my husband had to grew up, on that fateful summer night.

There are so many questions I have about my husband's childhood.  What was he like as a boy?  Did he catch insects for hours, in the woods behind their home?  Did he come running up to his mother, salamander in hand, with the same passion I see in my own son?  I think yes.  He was known to ice skate on frozen ponds in the woods, alone, after dark.  Was he a daring lad?

Don's was a much different upbringing than mine.  His parents were Christians.  After high school, Janet, his mother, obtained a Bible College degree and worked as a missionary in the Appalachian mountains, until she became ill and couldn't return.

At the age of 29, Janet married Luther.  Their first child, a daughter afflicted with Down Syndrome, died of pneumonia at 8 months old.  Shortly thereafter they had Don, and three years later, they had his sister, Lorrie.

Luther's upbringing was markedly different from Janet's stable one.  His mother, mentally-challenged, was reportedly raped; she gave birth to Luther nine months later.  There was never a father in his home, although his uncle made appearances to help care for Luther and his sister.

Luther's sister was also mentally challenged. Although not Down Syndrome, the exact nature of the impairment isn't known.  Similarly, nothing is known about Luther's mother's mental impairment.

Luther resided with his mother and sister until his teenage years.  At that time he left home of his own accord and lived as a foster son to a farming family.  He helped with the farm work and attended the local high school alongside the farmer's children.

Stern and reserved, yet stable, the farmer and his wife provided Luther with the only normalcy he had ever known.  Luther has managed to outlive all the farmer's children.  They did maintain contact with him for many decades, however.  While not their equal, he was part of their family.

Luther's mother was hurt by his leaving home, and I don't believe there was much contact after his departure. Don and I learned from one of the farmer's children, with whom we've visited twice, (he died two years ago) that Luther's sister spent her adult years in a mental institution.  It 's not known if she's still living.

As a married man Luther worked in a paper factory.  His first love was car mechanics, but he switched jobs due to his wife's dislike of his dirty appearance.  Usually in a bad mood due to severe allergy symptoms (paper allergy, ironically), he came home from work and went directly to the garage, where he tinkered with old engines and appliances.

Luther was always impatient and short-tempered with his son, who did not share his dad's talent or interest in working with his hands.  Deemed lazy by his father, Don suffered frequent spankings.

Luther was a very controlling, stern husband, as well.  Extremely frugal, he went on grocery shopping trips with Don's mother to prevent her from spending extra money.  She couldn't even buy tea.  There is currently a considerable sum of money in Luther's bank account, so his frugality paid off for him, at least in his golden years. Still, he would rather eat baked beans than waste his money on real dinners.  I guess I have to highly recommend baked beans; at 86, Luther's only health problems are arthritis and gout.

Luther's marriage suffered for obvious reasons, although Don and Lorrie both note that their mother adhered to Biblical submission.  Janet certainly had ideas of her own, as did her own mother and her three sisters.  Janet's mother was known for her independence, in fact--much to Luther's distaste.  He disliked visiting his wife's family, who resided within a couple hours of the Pennsylvania home Don enjoyed until his late elementary years.  They then moved to rural Delaware, resulting in Janet's being isolated from her family.

There is evidence that Janet was traditionally minded in her own right.  Lorrie remembers asking her mother once why Don wasn't made to clean his room; Lorrie was routinely asked to do so.  Janet's answer?  Lorrie needed to learn to clean; Don did not.

While Don's mother was very happy with her children, she was an unhappy wife.  She had no freedom--not even a driver's license. According to Don's sister, Janet had been contemplating divorce in the months before her death.  She was probably conflicted, however, since Luther had never committed adultery.  The divorce wouldn't have been Biblical, and I daresay if Janet had planned a divorce, she probably also planned on never remarrying. Her unhappiness was not shared with Don; only Lorrie knew of their mother's discontent.  Don's memories are of a happy and fun-loving woman.

After Janet died, their father was angry.  Following the funeral, he could only shout, "Now who will do the cooking and the cleaning?!"

While personally devastated, Don and his sister were very happy for their mother. Home with Jesus, she could drink tea to her heart's content.  She was free.

We have surmised that, due to his unfortunate upbringing, Don's dad suffered (and still does) from attachment disorder. He knew nothing about love, which explains his bizarre reaction to his wife's tragic death.

Don went away to a Bible College in Iowa two years after his mother's passing.  Never again did he reside with his father.  And Lorrie, his sister, became a pregnant teen two years after her mother's passing.  Her father helped care for her baby while she finished high school.  She then married the baby's father and left home, only to divorce twenty years later, after a very unhappy marriage.  At 47 she is still single, but she is at peace.  Her husband committed adultery multiple times during the marriage, so it's no wonder that Lorrie is content as a single woman.   She never had more than the one child, who is now 30.  Lorrie currently manages a small health club in PA.

Luther never remarried.  Intermittently, he has made efforts toward a relationship with Don and Lorrie.  However when there are visits, he is harsh and critical after the first day or so.  Despite this, brother and sister have no ill feelings toward their father.  You won't detect any anger now--only peace.  They know to expect little from him, emotionally or otherwise.

Luther has resided in Florida for many years.  Don took the boys to see him in early 2008, after Luther had a hip replacement and was recovering.  Lorrie accompanied them and the visit went poorly, presumably because Luther didn't have undivided attention.  We haven't heard from him in 18 months; he won't answer his phone.  The neighbors on one side, with whom Don has intermittent phone contact, tell us that Luther is physically fine, but emotionally reclusive--not desiring any contact from us, or from other neighbors.

In Luther I see a very juvenile man who wants his own way, much like a small child.  Without sufficient love, he failed to grow emotionally, and has remained stunted.  I think he was jealous of his wife's love for her children, and also jealous of Don and Lorrie's close sibling relationship. He resented his wife for seeming to forget their first baby, after becoming pregnant with Don.  Luther grieved over their baby daughter's death much longer than Janet, or so it seemed to him.  He felt like an outsider in his own home, I presume.  It seems to me that the love he desperately craved, very much eluded him.

During one of the two times I've seen Luther, I heard him tell Don, "I have learned to be content--no matter my circumstances."   Only God could have facilitated that contentment in Luther's otherwise tragic life.

Luther is a man of faith, dedicated to God. He took his family to Baptist churches and raised his children in the faith.  His born-again faith began in his late teens or early twenties. While the farmer and his wife were church-goers, they didn't have any saving faith to model for Luther; there was only the consistency of non-evangelical, Lutheran church attendance.  How the Gospel penetrated Luther's heart is unknown.  Of course it was divine, but the source of any earthly influence is unknown. There is much, in fact, that Don and Lorrie don't know about Luther's life.

One would think that Don would be poorly equipped for parenting, given the daily, unloving paternal example.  And one would think he would be poorly equipped for marriage, for the same reason.

But the thing is, Don is a better husband and father than any man I know.  The Lord wanted it to be so.  The Lord poured into Don, what Luther couldn't.  And Janet, Don's mother, must have been an amazing woman.  Her love covered over a multitude of sins.

I wish so much to have known her.  My heart is full of gratitude for her selfless mothering!  And I wish so much that my children could have her in their midst, so that she could take them for walks in the woods--the same way she did frequently with Don and Lorrie, when they were little.

Luther is not likely to live much longer.  My prayer is that Jesus would pour love into him, in Luther's last days, so that Luther would be compelled to pick up the phone and call Don.  And say, for the first time, "I love you, Son.  I'm proud of you."

Please join me in prayer for Luther.

As an aspiring writer, I am driven by a love for the written word, and by timeless depictions of the human condition.  I don't know if I have any fiction in me, but if  I ever start a novel, I will surely begin here.  There is so much in this story.

It's all good

That lull in the action I spoke of a few days ago? Short-lived. Anna Grace had a day and a half off from teething. My beloved baby is back to biting her crib rail, her knuckles, her toys, and the breast that nourishes her. Still, playtime is unaffected; she continues to practice her standing-up balancing act. She even took one step forward, before falling. I watched her face for frustration. None; there was only excitement displayed on her beautiful, porcelain face. She simply got back up and tried again, and again, and again. I stand amazed at her physical capabilities! Now if she would only babble more! My children all favored physical feats over language development. Is it that hyper-active gene pool?

Sleep is once again hard for Anna to come by. Momma's day is taken up with getting her to sleep, or helping her go back to sleep. In between, there is a load of laundry done, a sandwich made, a drink poured, a hug given, a dance danced, or a spilled drink wiped up. It's all good..all rich. Yes, I have resorted to Tylenol for the teething--for her not me. LOL It helps some.

And the homeschool planning? Exactly two hours have been painstakingly carved out for this endeavor. Anna's teething situation has prevented me from having additional blocks of time, thus far. And yet, I am relaxed. When called by God to do something, failure isn't possible, so long as we follow His lead.

My task later today is to use the computer to design a homeschooling prayer journal. That must be first priority, lest my teaching load start to overwhelm. For not only must I formally teach the boys, but Emily Rose needs extra storytime, more singing, and color, number, shape, and phonics work. Anna Grace needs vocabulary, singing and rhyme time. Homeschooling literally starts at the birth of each child, and continues until they pack up their clunkers for college.

Incidentally, I never drank in college, nor did I run with anyone who drank. And yet these binge-drinking news stories have me petrified about sending my kids to college! How does one send them off, with such danger lurking? Daniel is careful...even timid and anxious; about him, I need not be concerned. It's Timothy and Rose I'll worry about.

Anyhow, the future is already being prayed about. It pays sometimes to be a worrier. Every friendship, every courtship, every spouse, every marriage...even the purity and fertility of each child--I've got it all covered. My nervousness is good for something after all.

Now back to that journal I'll design tonight; it will guide me through daily prayer for the learning needs of each child. With such a tool, their minds will definitely get filled this year--not from me, but from Him, through me.

Anna Grace had another toe prick for her iron level yesterday. After 3.5 weeks of iron-food treatment, her level went from 8.9 to 9.5--despite her six-day virus. It is common for illnesses to temporarily lower hemoglobin levels. A chart I consulted indicated that for a nine-month-old baby, a hemoglobin level of less than 10 is considered anemic. Anna will be nine months in two weeks. She is gaining ground anyway, and will be tested again in October.

farther-reaching

Anna Grace slept a little longer this morning. Sleeping alongside me, she woke at 5:20 a.m. I nursed her, hoping she would drift off again, as in days of old. But no. Instead, she used my head to pull up on. Getting the message, I put her in her crib, thinking she would try some cruising steps. But guess what? She laid down and fell asleep! My heart sang! I laid my exhausted head down and actually SMILED myself to sleep.

She woke again at 6:45 a.m., after which I nursed her again, hoping for the same magic. But no, she wanted to play. 6:45 is respectable for a baby, so we went out to the living room.

Come naptime, it was more of the same hyperactive business--pulling up in the crib, cruising--anything but lying down. I gave it twenty minutes, then held her down gently in my bed, waiting for her will to weaken. Lying next to me, in the spoon position I forced her into, she finally relaxed and drifted off. I watched the clock, thinking after twenty minutes I would try transferring her to her crib. The house, as you can imagine after three days of fighting Anna for naps, was beyond disheveled. The list of has-to-be-dones was long.

But instead of attending to the list, I allowed myself to be charmed by her smell, her oh-so-soft skin, her even breathing. I came to my senses, and counted myself blessed to have such a babe in my arms for an hour, while Daddy read his computer textbook outside, and the other children enjoyed water play.

The house is still disheveled, but God answered yesterday's prayer. Today I made the most of my time with these precious children. Even if I had successfully transferred Anna to her crib and used the time to tidy up a bit, the tidiness wouldn't have lasted till evening.

But the memory of my sweet sleeping babe--my last babe--spooned against me on a pleasant summer day? THAT is a keeper. The prayers uttered about her future, spoken in my mind whilst she lay in my protective arms, will impact her far more than a slightly tidier house ever will.

Lord, help me utilize more of these farther-reaching parenting opportunities. And.....a house fairy would be nice too. Just sayin'.

gym time, and empty nests

Anna is consumed by her new pulling-up skills, and by her even-newer cruising skills. She deems them SO worthy of her time, in fact, that she's decided sleep is vastly overrated.

Anna Grace: "I haven't got time for SLEEP anymore, Mommy. I don't exactly know when the Infant Olympics start, but by golly, I want to be ready. You won't stand in my way now--will you, Mommy? You go ahead and sleep, Mommy, if you can, while I rise at 5:00 a.m. and happily squeal my way through a good ninety minutes of gym time. Don't you and Daddy pay me any mind. I can manage this on my own. I'll give you a holler when morning gym time is over."

Mommy: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

That's me, primal screaming after three days of 5:00 a.m. risings, and naps that don't occur unless I hold a crying, frustrated, overtired, 7.5-month-old gym fanatic down long enough for her to realize she is exhausted. Then, because she is SO exhausted, I am forced to hold her for her entire nap, without moving a muscle, because otherwise her jumpy, overtired body wakes up over the slightest sound or movement.

A month ago we achieved a very good nap routine that was working for me, finally. I would nurse her, kiss her, put her in her crib, and within ten minutes, she was out.

Yes, I know. This too shall pass. Trouble is, every time something passes, some other trying thing is right on its heels. Constant. That's what life is like when your hyper-active children outnumber your couch-potato children. My ratio is three to one. This life is blessed, charmed, yes. But constant most of all.

Around dinnertime my nerves were so shot, and my ADHD son so intent on doing me in, that I looked at my poor husband and said, "I'm leaving now. Trust me, it's necessary."

At first, I got in the van by myself. Anna was asleep--finally. Don would only have the three of them. Then I thought better of this, and went back in and grabbed Emily Rose, who is as hyper as can be and could make Daddy crazy without help. I figured I could handle her in her carseat, even in my agitated, overly-fatigued state. Thank God for carseats!

The two of us got McDonald's chocolate chip cookies to calm our (my) nerves, and then we drove all around the farmlands surrounding our housing track.

On our sanity-saving trip we saw a beautiful doe, about 20 grazing horses, a blue heron, two lakes, acres and acres of corn and alfalfa, and many beautiful, well-tended flower gardens--all within a thirty-minute time frame. It was just what I needed. Scenes of nature speak such volumes to me. They remind me that God has a plan--that nothing is accidental. There is order, beauty, perfection--so unlike my parenting, or my home, where new problems keep throwing my efforts--and my nerves--asunder.

I don't quite know why God blessed a nervous-leaning mother with so many hyper-active children. Makes more sense for a very relaxed mother to have such a brood--doesn't it?

It's not misbehavior I'm talking about, exactly. It's high-volume exuberance. A penchant for movement, rather than tabletop activities, or quiet-like pursuits. A penchant for speed, rather than leisure. A penchant for over-excitability, rather than for calm.

I can only trust that He knows what I need--what my children need. It need not make sense to me.

My husband is not perfect, but for all intents and purposes, to me, he's a saint. Just the saint I need. Is he out of full-time work because God knew I needed help with these full-of-life children, in this season? We are basically on our own here. There's no reliable "village" on which to lean. My father and my aunts have their own problems--their own pursuits.

It is what it is. And my personality is what it is. I didn't choose nervousness--it was chosen for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, as are my exuberant children.

God, help me learn to celebrate exuberance--rather than run from it. Twenty years from now, I'll be 63 years old, and I'll long for the noise and chaos of my "youth". I know this; I can see the very day, in my mind's eye. The first day of my empty nest. My Anna will be 20 years old.

Don't let me look back with regret, Lord, for what I DIDN'T do, to make the most of every day with these precious children. Take the reins back from ME--the stubborn one--when I so foolishly grab them. Order our days, our hours. And bless us with your Mercy and your Grace, Lord, as always.

Amen.

Record your answers!

Something rather miraculous happened last night! And the whole thing made me realize that I need to start recording answers to prayer. Seeing the answers down on paper to reflect on would be so encouraging! I'm willing to bet that many more prayers than I realize DO get "yes" answers.

I have NOT prayed about Anna Grace sleeping through the night. While most formula babies and babies who have cried it out do sleep through the night by six months, it is unusual for a nursing baby to do so. A low percentage of American babies are still nursing after six months, and consequently, any statistic about sleeping through the night the first year is skewed and not really applicable to nursing families. The possibility that Anna might do this just didn't occur to me.

Now, when Emily Rose began to wander the house in the mornings a few days ago, I did lament and whine to my God.

Pam: "Why, oh why can't SOMETHING be easy!!?? How in the world am I going to keep these children safe?? There are so many variables to safety when you have four young children, God! Anna is now sitting, meaning that she sometimes falls into pieces of furniture, which makes her rather mad, and hurt! More than ever, I have to watch her every move. I can't remove the furniture--that's for sure, God. Between the four of them, I'm going out of my mind regarding safety!"

Only after this stellar whining performance did I humble myself to pray about the issue. Unwise order of priorities, I know.

This morning, I awoke to Anna's cries from her crib at 5:37 a.m. I went to get her (crib is in our room), and was confused about why she was in her crib. Then I looked at the clock, and realized that I had put her in the crib at 8:00 p.m. the night before. And then I forced myself to go to bed at 11:30, knowing that I HAD to start doing something about my lack of sleep. Well, as I picked her up, I realized that she had never woken up and nursed in bed with me--the whole night! She actually slept from 8:00 p.m. to 5:37 a.m., and I never heard a peep--even with Don getting back from work and slipping into bed after 3:00 a.m.! He was real pleased (NOT) when in my excitement, I woke him up and said, "Honey, Anna slept through the night!" He opened his eyes briefly to say that the night wasn't over yet.

Now the part about the prayer. Anna felt well rested and would not go back to sleep, even after she nursed and filled her tummy. At 6:20 I took her out to the living room, which means I was up for the day and fully awake when Emily Rose woke up!! God was answering my prayer about keeping Emily safe in the morning, by having Anna sleep through the night! I slept six hours straight, which hasn't occurred in a very long time. (Three hours straight is a good night.) I feel great today, and it was nice to be so alert and happy while I cared for my children this morning.

She may not sleep through the night again for a long time. But today, God encouraged me. He IS listening! And I SHOULD record his answers to my prayers. Currently I'm reading a book about spiritual reformation and it TOO has encouraged me to record not only prayer requests, but also the ANSWERS. Very elementary concept, leading to very powerful results.

Hey Liz, thank you for your comments. I actually do have a stellar diet (high in fiber, low in fat)and looking like the food pyramid. Any health problems for me stem from lack of sleep. Since I am a night person living in an early-morning culture, I've never gotten adequate sleep. It is a matter of self-discipline, and now I MUST do something about it. I will check out the websites you gave, and get the Primrose Oil. I probably won't use any hormone replacement, as my mom had breast cancer (minor lump in early stage) in her mid-sixties, partly from being given hormones when she started perimenopause at 45 years old.

But God

You wouldn't believe my conversations with God lately. Or on second thought, maybe you would. Maybe yours are similar.

It's like we're throwing a baseball back and forth, God and me. It goes something like this:

Pam: "God, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get any kind of schedule going--which my children need--with Anna's sleep being so unpredictable. One day she needs a nap every two hours, and the next she isn't tired until 2.5 hours. One time she'll sleep an hour and a half in her crib, and the next day--at roughly the same time--only fifty minutes. It's really hard God. And yet I keep getting messages--I think from you-- that a schedule (and consistency) is in order--mostly for Daniel's sake. Isn't that the message, God?"

God: "Yeah, Daniel needs a schedule. You need a schedule. But just wait."

Pam: "But God, what do you mean wait? What is the purpose for the wait? If a schedule is good, then why not right now?"

God: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Pam: "But God, won't we be much better parents if we have more opportunity to set schedules and insist on consistency in chores, etc.?"

God: "Leave the results up to me. Do your best, but leave the results up to me."

Pam: "But God, everything feels so loosey goosey right now. It feels so inefficient--so haphazard. That can't be good. It's kinda sorta driving me INSANE!"

God: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Pam: "But God, my headaches, Daniel's hyperactivity, Rosey's feeling that she doesn't get enough time with me, Timmy's feeling that he doesn't get enough hugs, Don's feeling that he doesn't get enough--um--you know. All that can be improved with a schedule. It seems so INSANE that we have to wait! Why can't you just regulate her sleep times? Doesn't that make more sense? I can even spend more time in the Word, if you do regulate her sleep. How 'bout it God?"

God: "The whole problem is that you are trying to achieve in your own strength. Lean on my power and on my strength. I am looking out for your kids--for your family. You are not wholly responsible for how everything turns out--with them, or with anything else. I am."

Pam: "But God, then why do you speak to me about schedules..about consistency in training..in teaching responsibility? Why bother with that, then?"

God: "You need those things for a time that is to come. That time is not today. Wait. Trust me and wait. Sit at my feet. Enjoy. Lean and glean."

Pam: "But, God. How do I let go? How do I rest? How do I pull a Mary, when I'm a Martha?"

God: "Ask me to order your days, your hours, your minutes. Ask me to put your mind at rest--at ease. Get to the end of yourself. Now and everyday...get to the end of yourself. What if things were smooth? What does smooth accomplish, in the grand scheme of things? Do you know what happens to people when things are smooth? They get further and further away from me. That's what happens. Rejoice in the absence of smooth! REJOICE!"

Pam: (Singing out in joy and surrender now) "My God....is an awesome God! He reigns from heaven above. With wisdom, power and love! My God is an awesome God!"

God: "That's the way. Worship me. Delight in me. Sing your heart out in joy to me! Know that I am your God....your father....your salvation...your rest...your answer. I am your answer to everything...today and always. So REJOICE, my child. REJOICE!"

Fun Friday

The boys went to a five-hour day camp today at church, and Don helped out with supervision. The program highlights David from the Bible, while teaching children outdoor skills. Don actually had control of the youngest group of kids, which included our boys and three other children. When they arrived home, I asked if everyone had fun. The boys were enthusiastic enough about their day, but here is what my Honey had to say:

Don: "I guess it was fun, but don't think relaxation, Honey! They gave me the youngest group, and I had two kids that made our boys look like angels, if you can believe it!"

I started laughing right then and there. He was only half-amused as he went on to describe the little girl who wouldn't sit anything close to still, and kept playing with the tie from her dress. She was chewing on it or wrapping it around her arm much of the time. Poor Don had to rescue her arm from the too-tight tie that she couldn't manage to unwrap. Then there was a boy about Timmy's age who was five times louder and more impulsive than Daniel. Daniel--thank goodness--behaves fine at church, as does Timothy. Or at least, that is what we are told. They are referred to as "loving, fun, enthusiastic". I think that sounds positive?

Anyhow, when the speaker introduced himself to the kids, the little impulsive guy kept shouting out (good-naturedly) "You're not really David! Who are you really?" The speaker answered him with humor, for at least the first TWO times the little boy asked this same question. lol

The highlight was when Don and his teenage helper had to put up a tent--demonstrating it for their group. Some of the young ones couldn't keep focused, so while they put up the tent, they also had to keep retrieving wandering five-year olds. Sound like your idea of a fun Friday?

Here at home, I had a glorious time with my girls! Emily and I played with dolls while Anna slept, and when Anna joined us, Emily was thrilled to have a "real doll" to hug and kiss, much to Anna's sisterly delight! And Anna slept in her crib FOR AN HOUR AND FORTY-FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT! Can you believe the timeliness of God's provision? I prayed hard, telling God I really needed his intervention TODAY! Her first nap was from 10:00 - 11:45 a.m., and her second nap occurred during Emily's nap, and was an hour in my arms, and another half hour in her crib. Smooth sailing!

Have a wonderful weekend! I plan to spend all my "free time" cleaning up two large flower beds, beautifying our little space here, to the glory of God. Overgrown weeds and untidy flowerbeds always seem like an offense to the Almighty. Even so, it is hard to keep up around here with little ones around. We all helped plant annuals this week, only to have the kids walk through and on some of the newly planted flowers--twice, quite oblivious to what they were doing, I assure you. Gardening with kids--an exercise in patience if there ever was one!

A Burden on My Heart

The Reverend Franklin Graham has gone into North Korea for humanitarian reasons more than once. He leads Samaritan's Purse, which does Operation Shoe Box (aka Christmas Boxes). Rev. Graham said the situation in North Korea has deteriorated since Obama took over the Presidency. He was not blaming the new President--only talking about the dangers of the rogue regime, and the desperate need for an envoy. Governor Richardson (New Mexico), who has experience with North Korea, was suggested by the Reverend as an envoy. In his opinion, the two journalists who were sentenced to 12 years hard labor are currently a distraction for us--although he feels sorry for the two women and asks that we pray for them. He thinks what we should be focusing on is getting Korea to back down from their nuclear program. In doing that, we can also work on getting the two women sent home. He asked for prayer for our President regarding these matters.

I also heard unbelievable things about how labor camps are run in North Korea. Prisoners are literally starving in these camps. Even children must perform hard labor, and some of the tasks assigned to prisoners are meaningless. When they want to kill someone, they do it through labor, rather than directly. Prisoners eat bugs, mice, rats, snakes...whatever they must eat in order to survive. Only a small portion of corn meal is given to them for food.

The last thing I want to do is sound preachy here, but I'm just so sickened that this rogue leader is allowed to treat his people this way. Sanctions imposed by the UN, as well as just awful economic conditions, have caused even regular citizens to starve. The leader has no heart. Evil incarnate he is.

Please pray for the people of this country--that they would know peace, that they would know freedom, that they will know a satisfied stomach, in their lifetime.

Please Lord, give courage to America..to other countries as well--who can help. This leader needs to be taken down, Lord. Please, make it happen. We can't save the world, true. It's too expensive; American is broke. But this regime just can't be allowed to continue to exist. Provide the money, Lord. Provide the brave people. Provide the deep-seated repulsion in people's hearts for this regime. Make your voice known Lord!

And for those in the prison camps--most of whom are likely there for the wrong reasons--sustain them Lord with your spirit. Make yourself known to them. Give them a joy that surpasses all understanding. I believe in your power Lord. Even someone who has only corn meal and mice to eat, Lord, can have their spirit transformed by you. Show yourself in mighty ways through this whole situation.

Sideways

Anna Grace is behind me trying to drift off to sleep--with some encouragement from me--so I have a few minutes to organize some thoughts on joy.

Earlier I identified a struggle with always having to go sideways with my day--or with my plans-- rather than forward. I'm forced to do so many sideway moves, that at the end of the day there's no measurable forward motion.

Now what, exactly, is forward motion, as it applies to my situation? Everyday the children are a day older and a day wiser. Isn't that going forward? What more do I want as a stay-at-home mom? Isn't my goal to raise Godly children who are ready for college, God-inspired courtship, a Godly marriage, and then parenting?

When I have self-serving goals, that's when the sideways moves become frustrating. If I have a servant's heart, and my focus is merely the teaching and training of my children--and the teaching and training of my own heart--then my daily accomplishments, as measured by a to-do list, matter little.

So what are my self-serving ideas/goals? It still goes back to this: The borrowed idea that successful moms have orderly homes and lives. Having that order--that brand of Martha-type vs. Mary-type success--is what makes me feel like I need to be moving measurably forward.

Now what are my fears in regards to not achieving that brand of success? Sadly--when I break it down--my fear is that I'll be branded unsuccessful in the world's eyes. And THAT definitely has selfishness and insecurity at its root.

My joy songs will flow faster, and they'll be more heart-felt, when I get rid of the self-serving baggage and grow a servant's heart. Organizational skills are necessary and valuable. But again, not as an end in themselves.

So, God, there it is. You wanted me to identify it, and I did. Now help me get rid of it! Please!

North Korea vs. Obama

The last missile that North Korea sent up, I was thinking, "Are they nuts with these UN resolutions? SHOOT IT DOWN PEOPLE! Why fear the increasing of tensions? This guy is a nut job! Sanctions? Just stay calm?"

Am I the only one scratching my head, here? It won't take long for them to have the capability to send a missile to our backyards. I miss Dick Cheney and George Bush! Those men understood and could identify evil. You can't stop evil by talking..by punishing. Evil persists unless it is annihilated. Sounds scary, yes. Sounds radical, yes. But far better than the alternative.

When Pastor Warren from Saddleback Church asked John McCain last summer what we should do about evil in the world, McCain said, with all seriousness and without hesitation, "We should annihilate it." He knew! He gets it! I hope Dick Cheney doesn't stop talking, and I hope McCain speaks up as well.

Obama scares me because he says exactly what the opposition wants to hear. He dazzles with his words, while at the same time pushing through his radical abortion agenda. We've never had a leader with more aggressive, pro-abortion views. He isn't pro-choice..he's pro-abortion. He went to Notre Dame and people cheered. He said what they wanted to hear. Even the Vatican praised the speech, to a certain extent. The guy is brilliant. Dangerously brilliant. And dangerously naive. And people are still smitten. Less of them than before, but still many.

He'll use some harsh phrases about North Korea to appease the American conservatives. He'll go to the UN and spew more harsh rhetoric--but in the end, he'll take no lead. He'll do nothing. And North Korea knows it!

Much prayer is needed! God, let those who understand speak. Give them your courage. I fear the same people who aren't sure there is a God, also aren't sure there is evil.

N. Korea threatens to attack US, S. Korea warships

AP – A couple stands by North Korea's Scud-B missile, center green, and other South Korea's missiles at the …

By HYUNG-JIN KIM, Associated Press Writer Hyung-jin Kim, Associated Press Writer – 1 hr 31 mins ago

SEOUL, South Korea – North Korea threatened military action Wednesday against U.S. and South Korean warships plying the waters near the Koreas' disputed maritime border, raising the specter of a naval clash just days after the regime's underground nuclear test.

Pyongyang, reacting angrily to Seoul's decision to join an international program to intercept ships suspected of aiding nuclear proliferation, called the move tantamount to a declaration of war.

"Now that the South Korean puppets were so ridiculous as to join in the said racket and dare declare a war against compatriots," North Korea is "compelled to take a decisive measure," the Committee for the Peaceful Reunification of Korea said in a statement carried by state media.

The North Korean army called it a violation of the armistice the two Koreas signed in 1953 to end their three-year war, and said it would no longer honor the treaty.

South Korea's military said Wednesday it was prepared to "respond sternly" to any North Korean provocation.

North Korea's latest belligerence comes as the U.N. Security Council debates how to punish the regime for testing a nuclear bomb Monday in what President Barack Obama called a "blatant violation" of international law.

Ambassadors from the five permanent veto-wielding council members — the United States, Russia, China, Britain and France — as well as Japan and South Korea were working out the details of a new resolution.

The success of any new sanctions would depend on how aggressively China, one of North Korea's only allies, implements them.

"It's not going too far to say that China holds the keys on sanctions," said Kim Sung-han, an international relations professor at Seoul's Korea University.

South Korea, divided from the North by a heavily fortified border, had responded to the nuclear test by joining the Proliferation Security Initiative, a U.S.-led network of nations seeking to stop ships from transporting the materials used in nuclear bombs.

Seoul previously resisted joining the PSI in favor of seeking reconciliation with Pyongyang, but pushed those efforts aside Monday after the nuclear test in the northeast.

North Korea warned Wednesday that any attempt to stop, board or inspect its ships would constitute a "grave violation."

The regime also said it could no longer promise the safety of U.S. and South Korean warships and civilian vessels in the waters near the Korea's western maritime border.

"They should bear in mind that the (North) has tremendous military muscle and its own method of strike able to conquer any targets in its vicinity at one stroke or hit the U.S. on the raw, if necessary," the army said in a statement carried by state media.

The maritime border has long been a flashpoint between the two Koreas. North Korea disputes the line unilaterally drawn by the United Nations at the end of the Koreas' three-year war in 1953, and has demanded it be redrawn further south.

The truce signed in 1953 and subsequent military agreements call for both sides to refrain from warfare, but doesn't cover the waters off the west coast.

North Korea has used the maritime border dispute to provoke two deadly naval skirmishes — in 1999 and 2002.

On Wednesday, the regime promised "unimaginable and merciless punishment" for anyone daring to challenge its ships.

Pyongyang also reportedly restarted its weapons-grade nuclear plant, South Korean media said.

The Chosun Ilbo newspaper said U.S. spy satellites detected signs of steam at the North's Yongbyon nuclear complex, an indication it may have started reprocessing nuclear fuel. The report, which could not be confirmed, quoted an unidentified government official. South Korea's Yonhap news agency also carried a similar report.

The move would be a major setback for efforts aimed at getting North Korea to disarm.

North Korea had stopped reprocessing fuel rods as part of an international deal. In 2007, it agreed to disable the Yongbyon reactor in exchange for aid and demolished a cooling tower at the complex.

The North has about 8,000 spent fuel rods which, if reprocessed, could allow it to harvest 13 to 18 pounds (six to eight kilograms) of plutonium — enough to make at least one nuclear bomb, experts said. North Korea is believed to have enough plutonium for at least a half dozen atomic bombs.

Further ratcheting up tensions, North Korea test-fired five short-range missiles over the past two days, South Korean officials confirmed.

Russia's foreign minister said world powers must be firm with North Korea but take care to avoid inflaming tensions further.

The world "must not rush to punish North Korea just for punishment's sake," Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said, adding that Russia wants a Security Council resolution that will help restart stalled six-nation talks over North Korea's nuclear programs and will not provoke Pyongyang into even more aggressive activity.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak urged officials to "remain calm" in the face of North Korean threats, said Lee Dong-kwan, his spokesman.

Pyongyang isn't afraid of any repercussions for its actions, a North Korean newspaper, the Minju Joson, said Wednesday.

"It is a laughable delusion for the United States to think that it can get us to kneel with sanctions," it said in an editorial. "We've been living under U.S. sanctions for decades, but have firmly safeguarded our ideology and system while moving our achievements forward. The U.S. sanctions policy toward North Korea is like striking a rock with a rotten egg."

___

Associated Press writer Steve Gutterman in Moscow and Edith M. Lederer at the United Nations contributed to this report.

Character Holds on to Hope

"Character holds on to hope." I love that. It is certainly true that hope is something we can embrace or reject. I believe it is a gift of God, rather than something we produce of ourselves. By embracing God's gift of the cross--his greatest gift--we open ourselves up to freely receive all his other gifts. Still, like the cross, we have the free will to embrace or reject.

God...help us to let go of ourselves--get to the end of ourselves--so we can come daily to you, in joyful receipt off all your offerings.

Don's journey to attend computer tech school--a journey he stumbled upon seemingly by accident, through unemployment--will be put into the hands of committee sometime this week. He feels he has a servant's heart (very true), and answering employee need for tech help fits into that framework. While he doesn't pretend to have a brilliant technical mind by any stretch, he enjoys troubleshooting and developing relationships with people, one day at a time. He will enjoy the mix of people and machine. The machines will appeal to his logical, linear side, and the people to his connection-oriented, relational side.

He poured himself out to Lord, looking for wisdom--for direction. Along came the WIA grant, and later--after more prayer for specific direction--the computer field. All we can do in these situations is pray and wait. The outcome is in the hands of God. There is some concern that they will not award a $10,000 grant to someone who already has education. He did his best to address that concern in the personal letter (appeal) component, so now we wait..remembering that character holds on to hope.

Supporting a six-member family on a custodian's salary is really no longer possible, no matter how much we cut out. Now is the time for God to show that if you allow him virtual control over the womb, he will provide the "how", both in monetary terms, and in grace. The grace I will sorely need, in order to take over solo with the kids, once school mixes with work for Don.

One of the things that must happen before Don exits the house for most of the day and evening, is for Anna to be able to sleep safely in her crib, without a lot of help from me. The safety of the rest of the children demands this. My urgent prayer is that this won't entail "crying it out". For that would break my heart. And God knows that. Each time I sit here and write now, I place Anna in her crib behind the computer, providing opportunity for her to learn self-soothing techniques. This time, it worked. I hear her steady breathing, finally. Praise God!

Now for the short post that prompted my own post - from Howard Butt, Jr, of the HighCallingBlog:

In February 2003, Evelyn Husband lost the love of her life. Her husband, Rick, was on the Space Shuttle Columbia. Minutes before landing, it disintegrated, and everyone on board died.

In the wake of her husband's death, Evelyn began to see how every challenge in her life had fortified her for the next. Infertility and marital difficulties had built spiritual muscles that would help sustain hope during her life's greatest heartbreak.

This is Howard Butt, Jr., of Laity Lodge. The Apostle Paul tells us that suffering prepares us. It teaches perseverance, which produces character. Character holds on to hope. And hope, the Bible says, will not be disappointed . . . in the high calling of our daily work.

...we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character ; and character , hope. And hope does not disappoint us... (Rom. 5:2-5 )

Gliding Through

Question: What time in the a.m. do the birds start their sweet, all-is-well-with-my-soul singing?

Answer: Exactly at 5:00 a.m.

Question: Why do I know the answer to that?

Answer: Anna Grace, the very beloved one, awoke at 3:20 a.m. with a runny nose. Not enjoying mouth breathing, she got hysterical and cried. She continued her I'm-so-tired-I'm-beside-myself fussing for much of the next three hours, sending Mommy into the playroom to finish the night so as not to wake the other three. Daddy had already gone to work.

Toward morning while listening to the birds during Anna's oh-so-short catnaps, the voice in my head said this: "How will I manage on 2.5 hours of sleep? Will I holler at the kids? Will I feel well enough to do the gardening we planned? This is such an awful bummer! Dear God, have some mercy! She doesn't like mouth breathing! I think we've got that message loud and clear. Let's have some miraculous snot-drying miracle. Please!"

At 6:30 a.m. the snot dried up (suction-gathering blue thing was useless) and she slept until 7:30 a.m., in a nearly upright position on my chest. And I finally shut my eyes and drifted off.

Until Daniel, the talkative one, come into the playroom to start his day at 7:30, waking baby and ending the sleeping spell she was under.

I write this to illustrate the miraculous way God's grace works for Mommies everywhere. Somehow he helps us glide through our days, despite the angst of our nights.

Looks like no gardening today. Daniel and I made up this rhyme:

Rain, rain you sil-ly head,
We wan-ted to weed the gar-den bed.

Rain, rain you make us sad,
but the flo-wers you bring
they make us glad.

Enjoy your Saturday!

Dishing it back at me

It was hot again today. Nobody was really in the mood for pictures, but I wanted some with our tulips. Most of this planter box is covered with them.
Grandpa got them matching shirts.
She's a wiggle worm, that Emily Rose. This was the best look of her face, believe it or not. From the looks of my shirt, I forgot to hook my nursing bra again. Hate when that happens.
It's soooo hot, Mommy! Are we done yet?
Hunting for eggs with Auntie Lorrie after church on Easter Sunday. My husband won't do Santa Claus, or Halloween, but for some reason, he allows Easter hunts (but no mentioning of that bunny guy allowed, except to explain that he's part of a story). I think it's because he loves the outdoors, and he loves chocolate. LOL


Borrowing Mommy's mirror to put on lipstick (which is actually chapstick). Yes, while on the potty.
Easter afternoon, which ended up being sunny and about 50 degrees.

I dished out some harsh stuff to the Lord in this morning's post. And he dished out good stuff right back at me. God can take our anger, our pain, our blame, and love us all the while. When we're done, he gives us wisdom. We lack so many things in our humanity, and wisdom is a huge one. Not all our conversations with him have to be civil, I'm finding. He wants communion with us, despite our mood.

Love is a verb, God tells me. It was always meant to be so. Children will have unlovable ways, but we are still called to EXERCISE love. We must dig down as deep as it takes, even in the most frustrating of circumstances. Do love. We must do love.

God reminded me today, while I tried, to no avail, to nap with the baby, that Daniel truly doesn't want to be so hateful, so defiant, so oppositional. He feels quite often, the way I feel only when I'm sleep deprived - like I could cry easily, short-tempered, very easily frustrated. When the remorse over his outbursts sets in, he gets even more frustrated, because he has no idea how to change.

He struggles mightily to calm down, after the most minor disappointments. God showed me that instead of being reactionary, I should work with Daniel to help him calm down - such as rocking with him in the rocking chair, singing to him while I stroke his hair or his cheek. These don't sound like things we would normally do with seven year olds, but I have to remember that his neurological handicap doesn't allow him to self-soothe the way a 7 year old should. Some will say it's babying him and not solving anything. But trying to discipline him out of a fit only escalates and prolongs the agony for the whole family.

If I show him how to soothe, he can hopefully learn to utilize calming techniques in my absence. The key is for us to not take the outbursts personally, so that we remain outside observers, rather than participants.

God reminded me of a lot today. Good stuff. Now maybe tonight he'll allow me to sleep.

7X7

Jess has written about her efforts to pray the Scriptures over her children. Have you seen the 7X7 button on Angie's Bring the Rain blog (7 Scriptures 7 day a week)? Jess has placed the button on her blog as well. Clicking on it brings up Angie's original 7x7 post, in which the seven Scriptures are included. It's been a real blessing to Jess! Check it out!

Stellan - Why Bother Praying?

There is a very good post about prayer on the "my charming kids" blog (April 22nd post, featured right). You may have seen the "Praying for Stellan" buttons on various blogs? I don't know how to insert a button, unfortunately. Anyway, this blog author is Stellan's mother. She shares some really wonderful thoughts on prayer - "Why Bother Praying?"

Anna and Emily - Instruments of Grace

Emily Rose and I enjoy special alone time during her bathroom breaks. I never thought I'd say this, but I really look forward to potty time! When she's older and more independent, I'll sorely miss our finger rhymes, songs and conversations. Her words are shown below, but reading it just isn't the same as witnessing her happy-go-lucky, exuberant personality, as she converses. I can't even describe how she feeds our souls. Sure - there are little fits at times - but her sunshine and energy far outweigh them.

Today, we were counting fingers and toes. Afterwards, she said:

Emily: "I four" (pointing to herself, eyes glistening)

Momma: "Really? I thought you were two?" (smiling)

Emily: "No, no, I five." (laughing)

Momma: "Really? Yesterday you were two." (laughing)

Emily: "No, I four." (Puts her fingers out, trying to make four)

Anna Grace is spending more time smiling and cooing, and less time crying. She, too, is just pouring the joy into us. There's no question that God knows what we're going through with the job hunting. As the weeks tumble by, there are fewer and fewer posted jobs. We have our moments of despair, but then one of our lovely daughters pulls us right out of the slump. I JUST KNOW IT'S GOD! By having the girls delight us at just the right time, he's reminding us that he's there, with a divine plan.

Things seem SO hopeless, with Don's limited job skills, and the logistics of getting short-term training in an area that would bring adequate pay, with health benefits. I can't imagine what possible plan he has to get us out of this, but I KNOW he has one. That's what keeps us going - our daughters, His instruments of grace - and the knowledge that He has it covered.

We're trying to make the best of joblessness, knowing that few men have this much time with their families. I'm really enjoying having Don around more; part of me thinks God knew I needed help desperately. Having all four of them at once had really become overwhelming. Of course it won't always feel this way, but with Anna's fussiness and failure to sleep alone, these months since her birth have been the most challenging of my life. Was a nervous breakdown coming? Did I have more than I could handle? I wonder sometimes. It is MUCH more manageable now, with Don home in between his job-hunting errands. He tries to run them during Emily's naps, and I help out with online applications at home.

We've both wondered if a new job will come at precisely the time Anna settles into a crib-time nap schedule. Emily Rose made the transition around 5.5 months, with me only having to nurse her and put her down drowsy. I'm sure there were times it was more challenging than that, but they don't stand out in my mind. Even now, Rosey is a dream to handle, in terms of sleep. Daniel was fairly easy - but that Timothy! He was attached to me, in our bed, for naps and bedtime for a full two years. He still remembers nursing, which just amazes me. He didn't stop until he was 2.5 years old, when I was about ten weeks pregnant with Emily. I know his primary love language is physical touch, so I attribute his extended nursing and co-sleeping to that fact.

I read a story today about a four-month-old baby who perished, having been left in a daycare van. It was 50 degrees outside, so the cause of death is under investigation. These stories are always hard to read; I immediately put myself in the mother's place.

After reading the story I pleaded with God to allow me to stay at home. Somehow, I had a peace about it hours later. Possibly just wishful thinking, or more reassurance from him that he has it covered. I'm no poster mom, but I'm far better at this than I would be at anything else. This is my niche.

Wanting Purity for Them

As you've probably seen, the Palin family is going through another media disaster. Levi Johnson, Bristol Palin's ex-boyfriend, has been doing interviews and talk shows recently. I saw a couple excerpts, and it seems to me he was led by biased interviewers into saying some of the negative things. Unquestionably, he is hurt.

Teenage and premarital sex is heartbreaking. These young people don't have the maturity to handle what they're getting themselves into. On top of that, to be exploited by the media is tragic.

When people go from partner to partner in their single years, I think they set themselves up for a later divorce. They're training themselves to break loose and move on, rather than to work through and hang on for better times. I don't know that Levi and Bristol are particularly suited for each other, but it is best for their baby if they commit and work through all these hard things.

Sarah Palin would be criticized if she kept quiet about recent developments, and she's going to be criticized for speaking out. Either way, left-leaning media will give it a negative spin. My guess is that any chance Sarah had at the White House is significantly damaged, unless the two young people work through this and emerge stable and married to each other, by 2012.

There are other good candidates for 2012, so I guess it doesn't make a lot of difference at this point. I do feel deeply sorry for the young people involved, and for both families. This is a great example of all the repercussions of sin. Our sins affect so many people, and while God forgives, he doesn't erase consequences.

There are plenty of people who accuse Sarah of being an unfit mother, due to her daughter's pregnancy. In this, I see such hypocrisy. What about all the girls who got pregnant, just as Bristol did, but hid it by obtaining abortions last year? How many children of politicians just get the abortion?

I'm weary of the term "white trash" being thrown around, in reference to both the Johnson and Palin families. Bristol is taking responsibility for her mistake. I find more to admire about her, than I do the millions of people who "cover up" their mistakes, with fetal death.

Finally, this whole tragic affair makes me wonder how I can possibly prevent it from happening to my own children. I want to start now, to make sure my children reach their marriage beds pure, with their hearts unbroken and still hopeful.

I saw a quote from Jennifer Aniston recently, who is forty, divorced, and currently going from relationship to relationship. It went something like this: "I don't think every relationship has to last forever. Each one is a world unto itself." Obviously, this is a woman who hasn't guarded her heart. She SETTLES for serial monogamy, believing anything else is too much to ask. How tragic, what premarital sex does to the human heart, and to the human spirit. There's no question that Aniston is ignorant of where she's gone wrong. Merely a product of our me-first, anything-goes society, I see her as a victim of Satan's lure.

I want purity for my children. I want God's best for them. However, I don't know how to guarantee it, since God allows free will. I can pour Scripture into them, obtain purity programs and literature from Focus on the Family, and try to do everything I can to meet their emotional needs, so they aren't looking outside the family for emotional sustenance. I can shield them from public school, and all its cell-phone sex, peer pressure, and the like. I can send them out only with escorts. I hope that is enough. But if not, I will have to let go of my disappointment, and do what Sarah has done - support and love them, no matter what.

Lord, help us in this. Protect my children, and their future spouses, from any soiling. Guide us, give us wisdom, help us protect. Pour your spirit into them, give them discernment and strength, and a love for your Word.