Friday, June 5, 2009

Sideways

Anna Grace is behind me trying to drift off to sleep--with some encouragement from me--so I have a few minutes to organize some thoughts on joy.

Earlier I identified a struggle with always having to go sideways with my day--or with my plans-- rather than forward. I'm forced to do so many sideway moves, that at the end of the day there's no measurable forward motion.

Now what, exactly, is forward motion, as it applies to my situation? Everyday the children are a day older and a day wiser. Isn't that going forward? What more do I want as a stay-at-home mom? Isn't my goal to raise Godly children who are ready for college, God-inspired courtship, a Godly marriage, and then parenting?

When I have self-serving goals, that's when the sideways moves become frustrating. If I have a servant's heart, and my focus is merely the teaching and training of my children--and the teaching and training of my own heart--then my daily accomplishments, as measured by a to-do list, matter little.

So what are my self-serving ideas/goals? It still goes back to this: The borrowed idea that successful moms have orderly homes and lives. Having that order--that brand of Martha-type vs. Mary-type success--is what makes me feel like I need to be moving measurably forward.

Now what are my fears in regards to not achieving that brand of success? Sadly--when I break it down--my fear is that I'll be branded unsuccessful in the world's eyes. And THAT definitely has selfishness and insecurity at its root.

My joy songs will flow faster, and they'll be more heart-felt, when I get rid of the self-serving baggage and grow a servant's heart. Organizational skills are necessary and valuable. But again, not as an end in themselves.

So, God, there it is. You wanted me to identify it, and I did. Now help me get rid of it! Please!

1 comment:

Carolyn said...

Hi Pam,

Oh, I am so there with you! I am reading a leadership book right now called the Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make. Its a great book. One chapter on peoplework vs. paperwork mirrors your post. It talks about those sideways pulls that take us "off task". The author emphasizes the importance of leaders to allow for those sideways pulls because in the end, they result in more satisfied workers. I think this applies to my life as a mom as well. The interruptions that can become so annoying to me because they take me off task, if I allow them, can often put me back on my most important task -- that of filling my kids cups. This balance is really hard for me as well.