to have and to hold

My heart swells as I look at these.  I couldn't be any more grateful that these precious ones call me Mommy.  They are little rascals, yes.  Active, restless, sometimes overtired, sometimes argumentative.  But brilliant too, each in their own ways.  Emily Rose loves to call her favorite foods "delectible".  Daniel wants me to read out of non-fiction animal science books endlessly.  Timothy spent half of his short birthday party last night having Uncle David quiz him on square roots and multiplication.  Square roots at six years old?

But when I look at them on the screen right this minute (it's 10:00 p.m.), do you know what I'm mostly feeling?  Regret. Regret that I didn't slow down enough to take each of them in my arms today, and love on them and whisper softly to them about how much they mean to me.  I did this only with Anna, my nursling.  She gets the best of me these days.  Our nursing relationship keeps us bonded.  Thank the Lord for that!

When you've looked at your sweet children in photos at the end of a long day, isn't that what you most wish you had done?  I know a yearning to slow down is universal among moms.  And I think most moms feel they fail at slowing down, on most days.  For truly, when we slow down, we get behind on something.  And being behind raises everyone's stress level.  No one wants to dig through large laundry baskets for socks and underwear.  Or have lunch without bread.  Or take a bath without a fresh towel.  Everyone appreciates our diligence, but not our hastiness, or our lack of patience.  Even in our haste, we rarely get even halfway through our to-do lists.

It was a busy day--a homeschooling playdate, for which I made cupcakes this morning.  Followed by a trip to the bank, to the dollar store, and then home to make more cupcakes for AWANA.  I was running all day to meet deadlines.  The homeschooling and AWANA events themselves, I didn't attend, due to Anna's naps and some late afternoon fussiness.  Daddy gladly stepped in, rather than being left with the job of soothing Anna.

Mostly, today's busyness was brought on by myself, by offering last week to bring birthday cupcakes to the playdate and to AWANA.  My children were very excited, and so happy that I did it, but it cost me.

I was not the gentle, quiet-spirited mom I wanted to be.  I was not patient with diaper after diaper, changed at the most inconvenient times.  Or with Timothy, who wanted me to play his new Pay Day board game, even though it was an hour before AWANA and I still had more baking to do.  Or with Daniel, my non-medicated ADHD child, who climbs the walls and buzzes around in his frenzied, highly-strung, me-first way.  He is the most helpful, which seems a contradiction, I know.  He loves to help in the kitchen and with special projects--a quality which on less busy days I find endearing.  But not today.  Today, I let it annoy.

I guess I'm most patient with Anna, even though she's into every cupboard and drawer, distributing the contents for me to pick up, in my spare time.  She needs to explore so she can learn; I try not to confine her unless absolutely necessary.  At eleven months, her exploring hands and her curiosity are her best teachers. Yes, that is an electrical device in her hands.  The mixer, to be exact.  She was really happy to find that baby in my cupboard.

I have no answers for this conundrum of slowing down, while still meeting everyone's physical needs.  I only know that when I look at these photos, I want to hold my babies forever, just as they are right now.  Every day with them is perfect...blessed.

Oh, Lord, how I want to convey that to them!  For them to know the depths of my love for them.  For them to know how much I dearly love having them in my midst.

I fear I'm too imperfect to change.  I'm counting on you, Father, to convey it supernaturally.  Cover this conundrum with your grace, and help each mother to end her days satisfied.  Not only with her kids, but with herself.

The Counting of Blessings - Sunday

- I have a little girl, Emily Rose, who wakes up every day looking for her Momma.  When she finds me, she flashes me her sleepy smile, and says,  "Hi, Mommy.  I luv you", in her still-sleepy voice.  And after I've taken her in my arms and cherished the moment, she says "Fank you, Mommy."

- I've been given the opportunity to make Christmas about something other than spending money, wrapping presents, and rushing around town fighting crowds.  If we had the money to shop, we would--for what parent does not want to grant at least some of their children's Christmas wishes, or give nice things to relatives?  The pressure to shop is pervasive and powerful in our culture, and it takes up all of our extra time.  But when children grow up, the memories of laboring with love together at Christmas (on bundles of cookies to give away, on stringing popcorn, on helping the needy) will mean far more than a tree crowded with presents.  So thank you, God, for forcing me to make it about togetherness and working toward the goal of blessing others.

- Thank you for four happy, healthy, active children, who force me to lean on you all the day long.  I would surely lean on myself, and stumble more with pride, if daily life with them weren't so challenging.

- Thank you for the blessing of online friends, for whom I can pray.  It's a privilege to share their burdens, and for them to share mine.  For surely, if we only had phones, I would rarely connect with anyone in this season of life.

- Thank you for a husband who loves me unconditionally, who never pressures me, who forgives instantly and keeps no record of wrongs.

- Thank you for a low house payment, and a big yard.

- Thank you for the freedom to write about you, teach about you, and worship you, without fear.

- Thank you that since the job loss in March, we've not had a single delinquent house payment.

- Thank you for Don's school grant, and for the opportunity to work with his head, after so many years of working with his hands.  There are blessings to both, but his heart has desired this for a very long time.  Thank you for forcing him to put fears aside, so he could take the next step.

been there done that

If statistics mean anything, of the thirty readers who frequent this blog, approximately 3 might deal with unemployment in the coming year.  I've come across two recent posts written by women who've gone through this in the last decade.  I hope their words and wisdom bless you.  I had tears in my eyes as I read both posts, and I found myself continuing nodding in agreement.  What a blessing that these ladies took the time to recount their experiences. 

Thankfulness Thursday - A post by Paula, from Paulas Ponderings


Each Thursday in November I am going to post something I am thankful for in celebration of the Thanksgiving holiday. I would love for you to do the same!

Today I am thankful for the gift of rest in the midst of turmoil.

Up until a few years ago, I worried over everything. My husband told me that if I didn't have something to worry about, I'd make something up. And he was right. I had no peace. I did not know how to truly trust. I could not rest.

And then for some crazy reason about 8 years ago, I decided to make my Scripture goal - "I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself in" (my paraphrase). Little did I know at the time that the Lord had that goal for me also.

Shortly after that declaration of my new Scripture goal, my husband was laid off from his job of over 20 years. Stress! Maximum stress! Now 7 1/2 years and much turmoil later, I understand trust. And I know how to go to sleep at night and truly rest. Our struggles are not over. My husband has had to start over in a new career when many are beginning to count down the years to retirement. But we have lost our retirement savings and live day-to-day, not knowing what the next month's commissions are going to be or how the bills will be paid. There is a song that says He gives "just enough light for the step I'm on." That's where we are.
-----------------------

My journal notes in December, 2003:

"I try so hard to lay it at the feet of Jesus, but fear gets the best of me. I live in a constant state of fear these days...Why can't I trust?? Why can't I shake this fear that controls my life?? I'm so tired and weary. It's taking too long...I know deep in my soul that the Lord is there and with us and will carry us through - is carrying us through. But I'm just so tired."
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My journal notes a few months later in August, 2004:

"Thank You, Father, that I am reaching the point of thankfulness to You for Your teaching, for growing me deeper and deeper in Your love. Thank You, Father, for being more concerned with my character than my comfort. Thank You, Father, for taking my control from me. Through this I've learned to hand control over to You. Thank You, Father, for helping me to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself in ~ because You are there in the midst ~ in control. Thank You, Father, for helping me see that I have never had reason to fear, for You have always been my Provider, my Peace, my Comforter, even when I've not been so sure of it. Thank You, Father, because it's finally getting from my head to my heart. This could not have happened without trials to the point of despair, without learning to give up control, without learning to be content no matter the circumstance, without learning, through trials, to rest in You. It's all about You, Lord, it's all about You.

More of You, more of You. I've had it all, but what I need is more of You.

We have lost all monetary crutches, and have gained ~ You! We have no resources left to rely on ~ but we have You! Our assets have been cut in half, and we are left with You! You are truly all we need. Your faithfulness endures forever!"

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How does one rest in the midst of difficult circumstances? I believe it it simply something that must be learned. (Remember my Scripture goal? I have learned to be content...) It is not something that can be conjured up or willed into existence through clenched teeth and fists. Our trials help us grow. I wouldn't trade the past few years for anything. What a wonderful thing to finally be able to trust my Heavenly Father and rest in Him.

(And FYI - I still have my moments! Human!)

I hope this has not been too depressing as a Thanksgiving post! But I know that many are hurting during the holiday seasons each year and pray that the Lord will give His rest to each and every one. I would love to read your Thankfulness posts! Leave a comment and link to your blog if you have one.

Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8


"Father I pray for my dear sisters who are fearful and distressed during this Thanksgiving season. Show them Your peace...and teach them Your rest. Amen"

_________________________________________________
This next post comes from Kimberly, author of Adventures in Mothering.  I found it in her Frugal Living category.

Paycuts stink, don't they?

Just about ten years ago, when my husband lost his job, and had to take a job with lowered pay, we felt pretty alone in the world, because no one else was going through that (that we knew, anyway). The tool and die industry, once a sure well-paying job not requiring a degree, was now forcing down pay in most of the skilled labor people that weren't working for a unionized shop. Hubby was back to making what he made 5 years earlier, and yet our expenses had gone up. Over the course of those years, he'd take more paycuts, and we'd have to pare it down further. I was not smiling, girls.

Well, I'm no longer alone. Maybe I got to walk through the wilderness to be an encouragement to others now, ten years later. I hope I can be an encouragement. It seems that the biggest "trend" in this job struggling recession thing is paycuts, according to this article. Now, it may seem like, "Well I live on that much money, why can't he?" but let me point something out to you....if you have been earning $100K, and suddenly you get cut down to $34K, that is a much harder adjustment than if you had been earning $34K all along. Trust me on that one...we've been there and done that.

Back when it happened to us, everyone seemed to say "Well, Martin needs to just look for a better job." (oh, sure...good idea...) or use it as an opportunity to remind me that I could get off my lazy behind and find a job too. You know how us stay home moms do nothing all day long but eat bon bons and watch the soaps. With five young children, there was no way for me to get a second job, even if I felt that God wanted us to do that. In prayer, God had made it clear that He was at work and that I was to press on. We both had peace about it.

Even more not-helpful was those money saving articles and books I'd read. Sometimes I'd get frustrated with them, because although it's good to plan, to save, to budget, to do all that is humanly possible for us to do...there comes this point in our lives when we reach the end of ourselves, and no matter how much we cut, we save, we scrimp, we eat rice and beans, and we do all of the other things we're supposed to do...we just can't do enough to stay above water.

Even with our padded emergency fund, our lower-than-pre-approved mortgage, and our savings accounts, as well as our debt paydown plan well underway, absorbing the loss of almost 2/3rds of our income was not an easy thing to do. You can't live on a fraction of your old income for too long even with emergency plans in place.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't cryng out to God, sometimes shaking my fist at Him, angry at His apparent betrayal of us. It was a frustrating time. Still is.

However, God poured out a blessing on us, first by teaching us that His blessings are not always financial. When he provides for us, it doesn't mean that my husband is going to get the pay raise he deserves, and be paid what his skill level demands. Sometimes it means that God gives us the GRACE to live one day at a time, and to gather our manna one day at a time.

By nature I think we are ungrateful. We don't like going out for manna every day. We like His provision to be clearly stated so that our sweet looking budget spreadsheet makes us look like we are being wise stewards, and so that everything fits in there neatly and cleanly. When you have a budget shortfall of a couple hundred a week, you can't really make a budget. It's funny though how, with God, and by faith, a budget that doesn't work on paper can often work in reality, and cause lots of provision to rain down like manna just as we need it.

A friend, sister in Christ, and blog reader from, what often seems like a galaxy far, far away (namely, somewhere in Central Africa) has told me that she finds the whole money management stuff that American and Western Christians obsess over to be really bewildering. On the one hand, she and I would both agree that God calls us to be faithful stewards of what He provides. On the other hand, we have become so fixed on providing for ourselves, managing our finances according to the world's best wisdom or following Bible money-management principles in our own flesh, and leaving our provider God out of our picture.

As I've pointed out in my book on this very topic, Thriving on One Income, God can provide through a paycheck, but He isn't limited to that. Martin's boss may pay him on Thursday, but God provides for us everyday. Lost most of your retirement savings? Yeah, join the club. Us too. Mortgage underwater even after a generous downpayment? Ditto. College savings fund have enough to buy one new textbook at a state university per child? We're there with you. Thankfully God is too. He knows our circumstances, and better than that, He knows our needs...not our wants...not our wishes...not our hopes...but our needs. He often will provide those hopes and wishes and wants too, of course...but He will take care of us.

The best part about times like these...all of the "stuff" that gets in our way of seeing God in the everyday, and all of the things that push what's really important aside fall away, and God is able to really grow us as people, as Christians, and as servants to the king. That's something to smile about.

An Angel

It has been at least eight months since I've gone for a haircut.  We can't technically afford it, but when the math ceases to work out and you rely on God for every single morsel, you honestly begin to believe he'll provide.

For instance, we can't afford a whole month of food either, and yet so far we've not gone hungry.  Our van, our only vehicle, is twelve years old and has 156,000 miles on it. Buying a new, used van isn't an option, nor is repairing the one we've got, should it break down.  I've worried about this over the past year, but now I've come to assume that God has a plan for our transportation needs.  He knows Don can't work or get to school without a vehicle, and that we can't get to church without one.  He knows our needs, before we pray about them.

Back to my hair.  Assessing it this morning, I saw that the last four inches looked very unhealthy.  I wanted to cry at the mess staring back at me.

I told my husband, "I've waited at least eight months.  Do you think I can go get a quick, cheap haircut?"

My husband, whether good or bad, is beyond thinking we have any control over anything, so he just responded, "Sure."

So off I went on a mini retreat to the local Best Cuts, praying for a seasoned stylist, rather than one just out of school.  

I sat for twenty-five minutes waiting for my turn.  Relaxing doesn't begin to describe my experience there.  As Anna's sleep issues worsen by the week, I have less and less time to unwind.  My temper is often short, and I feel like I don't have control over anything.  Or at least, control over the things that make up my agenda.

Today, I'm humbly reminded that


only His agenda matters.

Timothy, now six, was also an awful sleeper, leaving me little time during the day or evenings to accomplish anything.  But, that kid is unquestionably a bit of a genius, so the all-night/day breastmilk diner just might have a purpose.  I'm willing to go through it for another year, just in case.  I think.  Having at least two kids who practically homeschool themselves could benefit me for years--not to mention them.  It just might be part of God's plan for my future sanity.

Anyhow, back to Best Cuts, and my mini retreat.  After watching a very kind stylist cut an elderly gentleman's hair, smiling at him numerous times all the while, I thought, what a very gentle, sweet person she must be.  She seemed to genuinely enjoy serving others.  Not at all like cranky old me, who only wishes in my wildest dreams that I look that kind and gentle, as I serve others.

Finally, the gentleman left, and she cleaned up her area and made a personal-business phone call, prolonging my retreat.  As she did these things, I just kept asking God for help.  Help with my discouragement, help with my depression regarding aging, help with my motley crew of hyperactive children--lovable though they are, and help loving my over-studied, under-slept, extremely stressed out, cranky husband--lovable though he is.

In the next thirty minutes, as she cut my hair, she was like an angel in my midst.  She told me how pretty my hair was (it's not), how healthy it was, and how 43 is not so old (it is).  Can you tell my love language is affirming words?

Her oldest child, nearly 20, ventured out on his own, and is working on buying a house--one street away from her.  She had him when she was 18, and what a wonderful job she did!  You know you've done a good job when they want to live one street away!

I don't know much more of her story.  She has a boyfriend and another son, aged fourteen.  She is 38, and looks like my twin, only younger.

She was a friend to me, for those thirty minutes.  I left encouraged, happier, less burdened, and less alone (somehow).  It doesn't make sense, but that's how I felt.  And when she gave me her card, I saw that she was the store manager.  Thank you, God!  LOL  I got the best!  She gave a great haircut, and she gave me tips on eventually buying a semi-permanent color, over-the-counter, to cover my white hairs.

Thank you God, for the angel of a person you put in my midst.  Thank you for the gift of a haircut.  Thank you for the lift in my spirits.  Thank you for the friend.  Thank you for allowing me the time away to be encouraged, so I can, in turn, encourage my children and my husband.

Thank you for always being there.  For always providing.  Everything.

some catching up

I wanted to report by now that good health has once again returned.  However, we are all still coughing and dealing with lower energy levels.  Sinus infections don't go away easily, I'm discovering.  I've taken to boiling water and putting my head over the pan several times a day, to ensure that the intense pain doesn't return.

The financial stress we've been under (six months without a full-time job), is something I've endured pretty well.  Recently though, with the added health stress, my positive outlook has taken a nosedive.  The economy just isn't recovering.  I find myself praying daily for greater endurance.  I know God won't stop providing, but I'm just so weary.

Our neighbor has been out of work since January (specialized work in the auto business).  My cousin Rick in CA--who owns a custom landscaping business--can't find any work and may lose his house.  He previously did very well financially, meaning he has a hefty house payment.  Unfortunately, his set of skills is very specialized; I don't recall him ever doing any other kind of work.

All of us have heard sad stories, I'm sure.

Hardship is a great teacher.  We mustn't forget that, even as the recession drags on.

A friend of my husband's called the other day, out of the blue.  Don couldn't really get out of telling Jim about the job loss, but he did reassure Jim that we're meeting all our bills.  In an act of great kindness, Jim sent a $100.00 check, which arrived a few days later.  Our cell phone bill was nearly a month overdue (Don didn't know this).  We don't have a land phone, so paying our cell bill was a necessity.  We both got teary-eyed over the blessing, but accepting it was hard.  Yes, God put it on Jim's heart to do this, and we're grateful.  It's just that we would really like to get back to paying our own expenses.

This aspect of hardship is harder on me than on Don.  There are givers and takers in the world, and many people in between.  Don is in between; I am a heavy giver.  Taking feels so unnatural.  I can see God wanting me to learn how to receive, but does He have to drag it out this long?  Good grief!  (And yes, I was telling the truth about the jackets, Dear Reader (who sent me an e-mail).  We all have jackets!  Bless your heart!)

In another random act of kindness, Don's sister sent a $300 check, to ensure that Don has sufficient funds to take his first computer-certification exam.  Someone rear-ended her vehicle recently, and she received a $550 dollar check from the driver's insurance company.  She decided to have her son fix her car, enabling her to send some of the insurance money to Don.  We had another teary-eyed letter-opening session.  God is so faithful.  And so are his servants!  We are blessed beyond measure, truly; I have no right to be feeling so down.

Yesterday Daniel and I attended his first counseling session. I gave a detailed history, and the therapist made a diagnosis and wrote treatment goals.  Daniel has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (runs in my family).  He will see his therapist once a week, until the goals have been met.

He is still off his ADHD meds.  I'm happy to report that, with the token behavior system we're using, he's been more manageable this week.

On the way home from the appointment, Daniel asked me if Amanda (therapist's name) loved Jesus.  I replied, "I don't know if she does or not, but even if she doesn't, she can still teach you strategies for dealing with your fears.  She went to college to learn how to help people manage their feelings, and I think she enjoys her job.  Once you get to know her, maybe you can tell her about Jesus."

I watched him in the rear-view mirror as I said this.  He just smiled.  God will use my Daniel in mighty ways.  The poor guy has some handicaps that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but he also has a heart of gold, and a deep love for his Savior.

Last night during prayer time at AWANA class, the teacher asked the children to take turns praying.  Daniel prayed that he would do well next week, when he talked to Amanda about his fears.  Timothy told God that he loved Him, and that he wanted to love Him forever and ever.

My boys can really rattle my nerves.  Pretty often.  But last night, their prayers blessed me beyond measure!  It was the boldness, the sweetness, and the sincerity.  With all this recent stress, I've felt like such a failure as a mother.  Their prayers helped me remember that I'm not the one raising my children.  God is.

And he is a perfect parent.

glitches

Oh, how I loved my new sleep schedule!  Life was seeming so much like a breeze.  Okay, well...not really a breeze--just a relative breeze.  But, alas, it's been thwarted by my problematic sleeper, Anna Grace.  She is apparently getting a third tooth, although I don't feel anything actually coming through.  She's been waking every thirty minutes or so in the early morning, which means I can't leave the bed to get my shower, do devotions, or complete any chores.  I am fearful of her crawling off the edge of the bed, looking for Mommy.  Transferring her to the crib that time of the morning just wakes her up.

Another glitch is that Daddy either studies late into the night, or works late into the night.  Having Anna wake him up frequently after he's just gotten into a deep sleep isn't kind.

I'm very disappointed with these glitches. Now that I've tasted the peace and order that flow from actually completing necessary tasks, uninterrupted, I feel off balance and cranky.  I miss that smooth-sailing start.

 Anna and I still get up before the older kids by an hour, and that helps some.  I can start laundry, feed Anna cereal, straighten up the living room and playroom, or look at a lesson plan or two.  But I can't get my shower until Daniel comes out at 7 and can keep Anna company.   Moreover, all the children are up by the time my shower is complete, and they all want a piece of me--making it frustrating to try to get dressed to shoes, put on lipstick and mascara, blowdry my bangs, and put scrunching product on my wet permed hair--to be combed out later.  I do all this hygiene business while trying to keep the troops quiet so Daddy can stay asleep.  Believe me, this scene is anything but relaxing.

There is peace in knowing that I'm getting healthier sleep, that I've kicked my computer-screen addiction, and that I'm getting some special time with Anna, who is pretty independent (as babies go).  She loves to walk around and play with her toys in the living room, which gets blocked off to become her own special, large playroom--devoid of choking hazards.  She can see me in the dining room doing laundry, so she is content while I work for a bit.  I recite nursery rhymes to her while I start the laundry and fix her cereal.

I love nursing babies--including night nursing--and I hate cry-it-out techniques.  So for now, I'll settle for some continued, somewhat-controlled chaos.  Having a cuddly baby in my bed gives me a unique peace and joy--an irreplaceable gift.

By this time next year, she should be sleeping through the night.  And 4 a.m. hot chocolate--enjoyed, not gulped--will be mine.

change me

We have a peaceful marriage, as marriages go.  When peace does fly out the window, often ADHD is the culprit.  Or so it seems.

We took time off of Daniel's medication for awhile, then we tried another type, called Focalin Extended Release.  In the lowest available dose, 5 mg, it worked roughly 7 hours per day for a couple of months.  Seven hours seems to be the maximum relief available, which gets a child through school, thankfully.  Meds rarely make an ADHD child's or adult's behavior and emotions reach a completely normal range. But they can significantly alter outcomes during the most productive part of the day, which is why they're usually worth the effort.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder often accompanies ADD/ADHD, as well as other co-morbid disorders, such as OCD, Oppositional Defiant disorder,  Tourette's Syndrome (tics), Conduct Disorder, or a mood disorder (often depression).  In fact, sixty-five percent of sufferers have one or more co-morbid disorders, making it difficult to find a medication for the ADHD that doesn't aggravate a co-morbid disorder.  Resorting to two medications is not uncommon, although obviously we'd never want to go there.  We never wanted to resort to any medication, period.

If you're reading this and feeling judgmental about the use of meds, stop.  Unless you've tried to rear an ADD/ADHD child, you have no right to form any judgement.

Anyhow, I think we're at a point in which the Focalin ER is aggravating the anxiety, making symptoms of anxiety as troublesome as the ADHD.  Making a long story short, these issues are robbing us of marital peace right now, or so it seems.

Twice I have typed "or so it seems".  Why, you ask, would I add that?  The reason is that whenever I feel like it would be best if my beloved packed up and disappeared, it is never the ADHD, or money-management woes, or lack of communication, or any other popular hot-button marriage issue.  Instead, it is my heart.  My heart.

Most of all, right now, I'm thankful.  I've been exposed to enough good teaching, backed up by enough Scripture, to know that when the Enemy tries to tell me I've married the wrong person, I know immediately that it's a false, evil conclusion.

Once we're married, discontent with our significant-other is never a matter of the wrong person.  It's a matter of the heart.  Our heart. 

We have only to say, "God, change me."


As a post script, I want to say that if you're in a physically-abusive marriage, the best thing to do is leave.  Don't date or marry or stray during the separation period.  Just let the Lord restore the abusing spouse.  Yes, it will take time.  After the Lord has had his way with the abuser, it will be a glorious marriage, and all the glory will go to the Father.

And yet still, the leaving spouse needs to ask the Lord for a heart change; it will take a major heart change to allow the abused person to forgive and forget.  Without this forgiveness, reconciliation would be short-lived, at best.

lifestyle choices & grief

We received the devastating news that the credentialed teacher who reviewed Daniel's school portfolio died this last weekend.  She was 61 years old, and battled inoperable stomach cancer for two months before her death.  Hospitalized for the past two weeks, she requested to go home and live out her days with her husband and her 21 year-old son.  Not expecting death so soon, she was even planning her art class lessons, to be taught on Monday.

When we met with her on August 10, she did seem depressed and defeated.  She must have gotten the death-sentence diagnosis a week or so before our meeting.  I noticed her depression, but didn't mention it, thinking that maybe she was just tired.  We had attended two of her art events earlier in the year, so I remembered her to be a very positive and loving person, as my entire homeschooling group would attest to.

I feel for her husband and young son!  The whole thing made me realize that as parents, we owe it to our children to take good care of ourselves.  Our good health honors God, and works out to be a gift to our children.  Healthy parents make good parents, capable and loving grandparents, and easy-to-care-for aging parents.

Let's do our exercise, our veggie, fruit, lean meat and whole-grain eating, our water drinking, and our healthy sleeping, for the glory of God and for our precious children.  Some diseases--cancer included--do stay at bay longer when we make good lifestyle choices.  Yes, God is ultimately in control, but that doesn't mean we don't have any control over our health.

We have only to look into the grieving eyes of young children left behind to convince us that our lifestyle choices matter.

grace for tired mommas

I never intended this blog to be about my lack of sleep.  But since my Ever-So-Sweet Anna hasn't mastered the art yet, I guess it's still the topic of the day.

The girl is like an alarm clock.  Yes indeedy.  She knows when the clock will read 10:30 p.m., 12:35 a.m.,  2:35 a.m., 4:35 a.m., and finally, 6:35 a.m.--which lately has been the point at which breastmilk no longer does the trick.  She's up for the day...or at least for a couple of hours.

Did I mention I go to bed between 12:30 a.m. and 2:00 a.m.?

Let's just say Momma hasn't been exactly......hmm, well....spewing words of adoring praise toward her charges lately.  I'm sounding more like a drippy faucet, oft times spewing nagging corrections.  I'm ashamed to admit it.

So when the following conversation occurred a few days ago, I was blown away...by the grace of God.

The Scene--driving to AWANA and talking about our recent hike:

Momma:  "Do you remember the last time we were on that trail?  Momma was hugely pregnant and hot, carrying Anna Grace in the womb still.  Now today I carried her in my arms!  What a blessing that is!"

Daniel:  "Daddy doesn't think babies are a blessing.  That's for sure!" (laughing)  "Do you think we'll have more?"

Momma:  (Wondering how one tells a seven-year-old about vasectomies....a procedure I still don't agree had to happen.)  "Well, I don't know for sure, but I think God might consider me to be too old.  And Daddy too."

Daniel:  "But if we did have more, wouldn't you be happy?  Aren't babies always a blessing?" (I've said that many times...he's regurgitating.)

Momma:  "Oh, yes. I would be happy.  And Daddy loves his children very much, Daniel.  He just has a hard time with the crying and the waking.  You feel loved by Daddy, don't you?"

Daniel:  (laughing) "Well.....most of the time."

Momma:  Insanely curious as to what he would say, I tried this:  "Do you feel loved by me?"

Daniel:  (laughing) "Oh, yeah!  Every single minute and second I do!"

Okay, you Mommas.  Remember this.  We aren't perfect.  God still has chiseling to do on us.  But our deeply-felt love for our children?   He makes sure that comes through.  Loudly.  Grace abounds for tired, stressed-out Mommas.

Hallelujah.

And I know.  Don't say it.  I need to go to bed earlier.

blessings

Time to count some blessings:

1. Another awesome homeschooling playdate today.  Weather was again perfect for hiking--at a new park this time.  The children all waded in a lovely stream, looked for wildlife and thoroughly enjoyed each other's fellowship.  A new child, Elizabeth, age 7 (and her dad) joined us.  Elizabeth is another tomboy--a child after my Daniel's heart, much like Faith, the four-year-old who joins us every time.  Only Elizabeth is Daniel's same age and she's more verbal and outgoing.  Possibly the perfect friend for him.  She collects as many creatures as Daniel and loves nature with the same intensity.

Her dad owns a toy shop; please say a quick prayer for him.  Business is poor right now, due to the economy.  He is struggling to stay open and had to recently apply for a credit card to get his car transmission fixed.  Ouch.  We can so relate to his struggles right now.  God brought our two families together right now for a purpose, perhaps?  Absolutely, I think.  We can lend a listening ear, help take Elizabeth to activities, and have her over for playdates.  It's a divorce situation, and dad is trying to homeschool her while continuing to run the business.  She doesn't get as much social interaction as dad would like to provide.

2.  I've mentioned that my husband probably has ADHD or ADD?  He loses things frequently and needs help getting out the door with glasses, keys and wallet in hand.  His inattentiveness means that he leaves knives within the kids' reach, forgets to lock the door at night, leaves the kids outside too long without supervision, leaves our two-year-old on the potty and forgets her....etc.  He helps a lot, but I always have to be paying attention.  I have to do a lot of checking.   ADHD/ADD sufferers (kids AND adults) are commonly deemed lazy and irresponsible, by unknowing outsiders.  Yes, an adult should know to put wallet/keys/glasses in the same place every time.  It shouldn't be an issue before every outing, but it is.  It's easy for me to get extremely irritated at all the ways this brain disorder makes my husband seem childlike.  But God doesn't allow that.  Don's dad couldn't take it (didn't understand it) and the two of them had a horrible relationship.  God doesn't want that unhealthy pattern repeated between Don and me. So he gave me a son who struggles in related areas (less inattentive but more impulsive).  Thus, I have an understanding of my husband's struggles.  Most of the time I see these two not as the rest of the world sees them, but as God sees them.  I can look for the glasses or keys for the millionth time and hand them over with a smile, knowing that my husband is doing his best.  I look at him and I don't see lazy or irresponsible.  I see unique, godly qualities.  It's a privilege to extend grace toward my husband.   It's a blessing that he extends it to me, everyday.  My marriage is a blessing--such a rock in these troubled times.

3.  I helped in AWANA at church the last two weeks.  Timothy is in my class this year (Sparks K-2), along with Daniel.  It's the first time I've seen Timothy in a classroom situation.  He's a very good boy!  I wanted to scoop him up tonight and squeeze the stuffing out of him--I was so proud!  Daniel has his wiggle, tapping, and voice-volume issues, and needs to remember not to sit next to someone he'll talk to, but he is mostly good as well.  They enjoy the lessons and activities, which are very well thought out.

Tonight the main teacher held up a piece of paper with a magnet behind it and a paper clip in front of it.  The paper clip was being moved around by the magnet.  The lesson was that we can't see God--like the paper clip can't see the magnet--but we can still be (must be) subject to his lead.  Such visual demonstrations are valuable for kids like Timothy, who need to see, see, see to comprehend.  AWANA is a blessing!

4.  Another blessing that's come out of this bad economy has to do with my increased ability to extend grace toward strangers.  Before, I was quicker to judge things I just didn't understand.  The school I taught in for nine years comes to mind a lot now.  It was a low-income area, with 90% of the student body receiving free lunch/breakfast.  The teachers--me included--had a tendency to look down on the parents for failing to do any homework with their students, come to conferences, remember needed items, get rid of lice quickly, etc.  We were easily irritated by what seemed to be blatant irresponsibility.  Many of them didn't even work, or they were among the working poor (working part-time or full-time for a low wage).

Now that we are doing creative math with our checking account--juggling two part-time job paydays with partial unemployment disbursements--to get the mortgage and utilities paid and keep the meals coming, my eyes have been opened to how hard daily life is for the economically disadvantaged.  Routine things take a lot longer to accomplish.  You can't mail a bill because you don't have money for stamps...or you need groceries but you can only get a few things, until payday.  You live on a day-to-day basis, spending more time shopping, bill paying, checkbook watching, etc.  Nothing is simple or routine.  There is a steady stream of financial issues, partially because you can't afford to do things well, or ahead of time, like fix that car properly, deal with that roof issue, buy clothes that last, buy resume paper, have enough gas to get to the interview, etc.  I could go on and on.

We have God to lift us up and give us hope, but those families I worked with as a teacher didn't.  Reading to their kids once a day was the last thing on their minds.  They were just trying to survive.  They couldn't get rid of lice quickly because buying the lice-removal equipment and having the quarters for all the extra loads of laundry was just too much of a burden.  (No, my kids don't have lice...just an example.)

I'm deeply, deeply ashamed for every minute I spent judging them.  No, I was never rude or even short with them; I behaved professionally.  But my heart wasn't soft. There was no there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I sentiments.  They should be trying harder, I thought.  We all thought it, at that school.  Shame on us!  We had no idea!  They were in a state of constant stress, with no hope of improvement.  It wasn't temporary hardship due to a bad economy--it was a way of life.  Some of them had never known anything different.

Passing judgement is folly.  Always.

a telling breakfast

At the breakfast table:

Momma:  "Timothy, since you're almost six now, I think you need to try milk with your cereal, as well as other new foods.  It is easier and faster to eat cereal with milk, and it tastes better.  We're starting school on Monday and breakfast needs to go faster."

Timothy (in aggravated, whiny voice):  "But I don't like milk!" (He only drinks the Nestle Quick kind of chocolate milk.)

Momma:  "I know you get scared about trying new foods.  When you're scared, ask Jesus for help with bravery.  And I will start praying more about your diet.  You are missing too many fruits and vegetables.  They help you live with less pain and less suffering."

Timothy:  (Whining) "But I don't like Jesus anymore.  And I don't like doing that Bible study anymore.  I stopped listening.  Jesus makes me feel like I always have to work.  I want to play all day!" (No, I didn't make this stuff up.  This kid is wrestling with God.  What a telling statement his last one is (in bold).  We all want our own way, don't we?)

Momma:  "I see a lot of evidence that you love Jesus.  And I see evidence every day that Jesus is working in your heart.  What about when you dance with Mommy, to the Jesus songs on the radio?  That makes you so very happy!"

Timothy:  "But I can't see Jesus."

Momma:  "Faith is believing in things we cannot see.  God puts faith in our hearts.  You don't have to try to believe.  God will do the work."

Timothy:  "But I don't believe in ANYTHING I can't see!" (Man, he's precocious, I'm saying to myself.)

Momma:  "It's true that we don't see Jesus.  But we see evidence that he is here.  When Daniel aggravates you and makes you so very mad, you are patient with him and you always forgive him quickly.  That is God--the Holy Spirit--working in your heart.  On our own, we don't forgive people easily; sometimes we don't forgive and forget at all."

(He was still listening intently, so I kept going.) "And when a caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly, you can see Jesus through that.  Something as wonderful as that doesn't happen by accident.  The world is too beautiful and too perfect to be an accident."

"The comfort Jesus provides us is another bit of evidence that he exists.  We can only comfort ourselves in ways that don't last--like with a new toy, a piece of chocolate cake, a cold drink, or a blanket.  Jesus comforts us in our hearts and minds, and it lasts--if we don't get distracted from him.  And he provides for our needs."

An aside:  If you're wondering why some people starve to death, I think the answer is that God put enough food on the earth--he continues to do so--but we fail to share it.  We don't do our part.  It's a mystery why God allows us to continue to turn our backs on the hungry of the world.  Governmental corruption in starving countries certainly contributes--the logistics are complicated.  We can't put a military presence in every corrupt country.  But we can send more food via missionaries, via planes, etc.  More can be done, even though some of the food will end up in corrupt hands. Just feeding hungry people makes it more likely that they'll rise up against the corruption--on their own.  We can even contribute more to the starving in our own country--via food banks, soup kitchens, etc. I submit to you that we are too comfortable.  Sometimes, being comfortable is wrong, but only insofar as it blinds us to another's hunger--whether that hunger be physical or spiritual.  

Just being somewhat uncomfortable for the past several months has opened my eyes greatly.  I welcome more discomfort.  I don't want blindness.  I suspect God is growing me into a missionary.

Timothy:  "But I want to see him."

My preaching ended there.  Timothy is a mathematician.  A scientist.  He might always struggle with belief.  There's no doubt in my mind that he loves Jesus; the last six months have brought too much evidence.  Just the fact that he is uncomfortable--from the workings of the holy spirit, no doubt--is strong evidence.   Spiritual growth is never comfortable.

The most important task now is to make sure the Gospel of grace is getting through.

inspiration

I just read the most inspiring post. Yes, blogging and blog reading is a time suck, with which I maintain a love/hate relationship. But when the needs of my four children--especially my teething baby--deplete me before the clock strikes 12 noon, it helps enormously to come into my bedroom to fetch something, and to steal a few minutes to read a Christian post. Especially when the Lord manages to post just the right blog, at just the right time. Sometimes the fit and timing are SO perfect, there's no question that the Lord is responsible.

Before I share the post I just read, let me elaborate on why I'm in an overwhelmed state. Now's the time to roll your eyes. Yes, I'll wait.

It stems from a few issues. I am still trying to read through the introductory pages of my second-grade teachers' editions. It is slow going, although I've progressed enough to know that I chose very good resources for Daniel (Bob Jones University Press).

In addition, I am constantly thinking about the schedule I'll write. It has to fit with Don's school and study needs, with the girls' naps, with meals, with extra-curricular activities, and with laundry and meal cleanup. Exercise has to be worked into it, as well as grocery runs, appointments, etc. In short, the task is an all-consuming one.

Complicating everything is Anna's teething. She must have a lower tolerance for pain than the others. She is sleeping about as well as a newborn, and her discomfort seems to be stretching out to nearly three months worth of upheaval. The crazy sleep schedule is causing my migraines to worsen, which makes it harder to keep up.

Furthermore, I decided upon learning that it would go down to 40 degrees last night, that I'd better have Don get the fall/winter storage boxes out of the shed so that I can get our clothes washed and sorted for giving away, or for hanging up in closets. The house is littered with piles of clothes, which is normal for us when the seasons change; we have inadequate closet space. This time I'm trying to be more thorough and give away more, so I can reduce closet clutter. We always wear far less than I hang up.

So considerable chaos reigns right now. It would help enormously if I would start getting up before the family to shower, unload the dishwasher, start a load of clothes, and put oatmeal on the stove. My exhaustion always prevents that from happening, in addition to the fact that setting an alarm in our bedroom, which we share with Anna, would wake her up and require Don to care for her while I shower. She is a Momma's girl to the core, so being alone with Daddy makes her cry, which causes the others to wake prematurely. Anna loves having Daddy around, so long as Momma is close by. Perhaps because he isn't her milking cow? I wonder.

When things are this disorganized, we Mommas need only to remember what our mission is. Most decidedly, it is not writing the perfect schedule, having perfectly stocked closets, or rising in the morning at a time we deem unselfish. All those things help, sure. But keeping our eyes fixed on Him, and on what He would have us do as mothers, is the main thing. He would not overwhelm us. He would not require more than we can give. He would not drive us into migraine territory. It is our stubbornness, in wanting our own way, that leads to these problems.

As this blog author writes, He must increase, and we must decrease. That is the answer. And I thank the Lord for having me read it at this moment. This God-inspired blog author brilliantly spills it all out, for us hungry Mommas to drink up.

able to comfort

Would you rather be comfortable, or able to comfort? How, exactly, does one learn to comfort? Is it natural for some, and therefore, done at will? I honestly don't think so. I submit to you that you have to be uncomfortable, for a season, in order to comfort. So, knowing that, which would you choose--to be comfortable, or able to comfort?

My father called one day recently and asked how I was doing. "I'm blessed. Thank you for asking." He laughed and said, "Yeah. Blessed with problems!"

A few days ago there was nothing in the freezer to prepare for dinner. No money would come in for several days. So I took out my WIC coupons, which are from the Department of Agriculture. Designed for pregnant or breastfeeding mothers and for children under five-years-old, the program (not an entitlement) provides supplemental milk, cheese, eggs, cereal, and juice. My guess is that many a family use these coupons to obtain egg and cheese omelet fixings for a few dinners, while waiting for payday to arrive.

I'm grateful for the help. And I now know the shame of putting food coupons on the checkout stand while everyone stares--at me, at my clothes, purse, and shoes--wondering if I am truly poor. They are either disgusted, neutral, or compassionate.

I am uncomfortable, for a season. And now, I am equipped to comfort. I will forever be the compassionate one at the checkout stand, ready with a smile.

Yes, Dad. My problems are a blessing.

Canadian Healthcare

I recently asked two Canadian bloggers to give us details about the Canadian health care system, which is known to provide universal coverage. I thought it might help us sort through the partisan "facts" we're being given about reforming health care here in America. You will find the Canadian responses below. Thank you so much, ladies, for taking the time to do this!

Don and I are concerned about the tax burden coming our way from a health-care overhaul. We agree that we need a system that covers everyone, but coupled with the higher energy bills forced on us by Cap and Trade, higher taxes will undoubtedly force me--and other stay-at-home moms--into the workforce. Moreover, we might be forced to obtain cheap, low-quality daycare. Our gas and electric together already run between $280 and $325/month. While not having health care is a huge worry, not being able to raise my own children is an even bigger burden--it's a heartbreaker actually.

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Authored by Sandi, from the A Mother's Musings blog.

This is such a hot and difficult topic. For the record I am an American who's been living in Canada for 11 years.

There are pros and cons to both systems. Health Care in Canada is NOT free as others seem to think. The taxes are high IMO and we pay a monthly fee, yet when we couldn't pay it was free. The crazy thing about that though is they base your coverage off your last year's income. So if you made 100,000 last year....your med coverage is based on that when you are unemployed the next year. Doesn't make too much sense.

In Canada you do wait for things. If you have a heart attack they deal with it but several other non life-threatening yet painful surgeries are cancelled to do so. I remember with one of the babies I lost at 12 weeks, I spent 5 hours in the hospital waiting for the DNC, with IV all hooked up ready to go. I was sent home because of some emergency and was told they had no idea when I could get in again to have it done. They said my only option was meds to force it. My baby had been gone for 4 weeks and even with that risk I was sent home. It does feel like at times you have to be dying to get attention. Waiting for a hip replacement for 18 months is a real quality of life issue.

But I also have a friend whose husband was diagnosed with cancer and he was taken care of right away. You wait for MRI's, which shouldn't wait. The waiting list to get a child evaluated for ADHD, Austism, etc. is up to 2 years where I live. We went private and fortunately have great extended medical through my husband's work. If you don't have extended or money ....you wait.

When government runs everything with a heavy hand, that spells trouble to me.

My personal experience in Canada--no tomatoes please--is that this health care system has created an entitlement mentality. People go to emerg for silly things because it won't cost them extra money. Doctor's offices become revolving doors instead of a place to get "needed" care. It is almost impossible where I live to get a family doctor; they aren't taking patients.

Yet, the socialist way is that all are equal and shouldn't go without care due to lack of money. Which is a great idea and I agree, but how to do that practically is the dilemma.

Yet again, there is a quality of life issue that comes up. When my son was pre-natally diagnosed with T-18, they wrote him off and told me they WOULD NOT medically help him when he was born. They can legally do that on the grounds that he wouldn't have a full life anyway. They even suggested I starve him if he did live through labor. Let's just say they got an earful.

I did have four births and 2 miscarriages without paying a dime above our monthly fee and taxes so it "feels" like it's free, but nothing is ...is it!

Not sure if this helps.

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Authored by Steph, from the Footnotes blog.

First off, no system is perfect. Sandi is right - there are pros and cons to both. I also agree that, technically, our health care is not free. We do pay higher taxes in Canada. My parents traveled in the States last summer and were amazed by how inexpensive it was to eat in a restaurant. Once you pile on the taxes here, it can get costly. I also agree with Sandi's entitlement comment. This is something that annoys me - I hate people going to emerge for hangnails. I consider very carefully before I go to the doctor because I know the system is sometimes stretched.

I think what astounds me the most about the American reaction is that it sounds to me (and forgive me if I am wrong or oversimplifying) that what is being proposed would simply guarantee coverage for people who don't have insurance. I think many politicians are opting for partisan politics and scare-mongering rather than trying to find ways to make this work, which is typical of democracy. I was amazed to learn that millions and millions of Americans don't have health insurance. The idea that there are people in the U.S. who opt not to go to the doctor for something truly serious because they will have to pay for it is so foreign to me - and I think that is an unfortunate thing for a developed nation.

Yes, our taxes are higher. Yes, our system is overburdened. Yes, we have a shortage of doctors in some communities (they can make more money in the States so that's where many of them go). Yes, sometimes wait times are longer. But these are all things that an injection of cash can fix, and up until the economic recession, government surpluses helped. Wait times vary depending on the community, but if it's an emergency you're dealt with. My mom has had two knee replacements. She had to wait several months, but didn't pay a dime. My dad has had heart surgery (quadruple bypass) and colon surgery (cancer) and was treated in a reasonable timeframe and didn't pay a dime. I have had two babies and two miscarriages. I had good care and didn't pay a dime.

I am a Canadian and have lived in the same community for most of my life. I was fortunate to have the same doctor for about 30 years before he left his practice, and was lucky enough to find another doctor in my town even though there is a doctor shortage. My experiences with our health care system have, so far, been good. Not everyone has positive experiences and, yes, there can be glitches, but the comfort of knowing that if I am sick I don't have to think about seeking help - I wouldn't trade that.

I think governments - yours and mine - need to put people first more often. I would rather see my tax dollars go to health care and the environment than to many other "priorities" that have been deemed in Canada. Maybe both of our governments need to think about redirecting cash spent on other initiatives. After all, healthy people can achieve great things.

I don't know if that helps...no tomatoes here, I hope! :)

The Graduate

My precious Daniel graduated from first grade today! Congratulations, Doodlebug! I'm so proud of you!

The portfolio review went very well. The teacher who served us--a former elementary teacher and homeschool mom--was very gentle and kind. Daniel was very shy and barely said a word, but I think he liked her and I know he was pleased with how it went. We had met her briefly earlier this year at some homeschooling art events she sponsored. Her son is already in college and is a champion ice skater. He earned his Bachelor's Degree last year--at age twenty! Now in graduate school, he is still into competitive skating. I suspect his mom has these side jobs to help pay for the skating, which is a very expensive venture. She earns $30 for every homeschooling review she does, which makes me wish I had an Ohio credential! $30/hour ain't bad!

Anyhow, she thought Daniel accomplished a lot. And she said we had more social studies and science samples than she ever sees! Yeah for Daddy! Those are his subjects!

It surprised her that my husband was involved. She thinks it's typical for husbands to be against the home-teaching process, to varying degrees. A mom she met with last week was in tears during her meeting; her husband wants the kids in school next year, and every year thereafter. As soon as I heard that I felt horrible for the mom, and then I praised the Lord for my husband! Some things in my life are very hard, but my husband is really a bright spot--as is each child of course. There are plenty of things Don does that drive me nuts--the least of which are socks taken off and thrown wherever, and trashing the kitchen and floor when he cooks--but I am fortunate that we have the same vision for the children. That is priceless! I know that a Dad's leadership in Bible study, prayer, AND learning go even further than a Mom's does. Statistics prove it, although I'm too tired to find the articles again and link them. Sorry. Momma's one tired girl!

After two months of teething behavior, I think my Anna is finally going to be sporting a tooth soon. Lately she sticks her finger in her mouth during nursing--ouch for Momma! It breaks the suction enough to provide her some pain relief, while still allowing some milk to get through. Another clue is that she is waking about every 60-90 minutes at night. Talk about undereye circles! I've been burning the oil trying to get the portfolio in tip top shape this week, and her wake ups on top of that have given life that boot-camp feel.

Parenting--the only boot camp you'll ever love!

Now you'll have to excuse me. If I don't stop and get ready for bed right now, I'll fall asleep right here and slump into the keyboard--which would surely wake my big girl, who turned eight months last Sunday! Seems like just yesterday I was drowning you in my newborn-nursing sob stories. Eight months old just doesn't seem possible!

Thank you, Liz, for the diaper-rash cream tip!

a life motto

I don't have the spare minutes, or even the right words, to describe how hard things are right now. I'm wrestling with God in a big, stubborn way. Why? Why? Why? This is SO hard God! It has gone on SO many months! Can we just go one whole year without a crisis? How 'bout half a year then? I. need. rest.

Then I read this post and I was humbly reminded that life is hard for everyone. And besides that, no one has been diagnosed with cancer around here. My husband and I keep telling one another that.

However, the newest worry is that Anna Grace is mildly to moderately anemic (but no symptoms), which is unusual for a 7-month-old exclusively-breastfed baby. Believe me, I've researched this the past two days. She has started on rice cereal and Poly Vi Sol w/iron vitamin drops.

The hemoglobin test done (at the WIC office) was a toe prick, which isn't as accurate as a CBC blood test (from the vein). If the person administering the test squeezes the toe, more plasma comes through, which would give a lower, potentially-inaccurate hemoglobin number. My doctor doesn't see a need to do anything further until Anna gets a vein blood test at 12 months.

I, on the other hand, want to do at least another toe prick test in one month to see if the number has risen. If it hasn't, something could be going on--like leukemia (worst-case scenario), or intestinal bleeding from allergy (unlikely for breastfed infant). Why wait until December for further answers? I'm thinking of changing doctors over this. My pediatrician is young, with fewer experiences under his belt. Yes, I'm an excessive worrier--especially when it comes to my children's health.

BTW, my iron level is fine, but even if it wasn't, Anna would still get easily-absorbed iron from my breastmilk. Dietary supplementation is often necessary after seven months, but for anemia to have already started is very unusual. Her birth weight--two ounces above the official low-birth-weight cut off--is one explanation, but usually only premature or VERY small babies deplete iron stores before six months.

Her levels are not bad enough to cause brain damage or anything, thank God. She tested at 8.9 (under 10.5 is considered anemic). I read on several sites that 12 is average, 11 is the minimum desired, and below 10.5 is anemia.

Today my doctor said 10 is considered normal. That conflict in information bothers me. Nothing in my three hours of research--including standard tables of levels--supported a level of 10 as being normal.

Anyhow, back to my first paragraph about things being hard; the only life motto that makes any sense at all is this:

Sit down! Shut up! Look up! Enjoy the ride!

On a lighter note, we picked blueberries today, and I'm checking u-pick farms for red raspberry picking dates. Infuse life with the simple things--that's how to enjoy the ride.

Berries always make me smile.

farther-reaching

Anna Grace slept a little longer this morning. Sleeping alongside me, she woke at 5:20 a.m. I nursed her, hoping she would drift off again, as in days of old. But no. Instead, she used my head to pull up on. Getting the message, I put her in her crib, thinking she would try some cruising steps. But guess what? She laid down and fell asleep! My heart sang! I laid my exhausted head down and actually SMILED myself to sleep.

She woke again at 6:45 a.m., after which I nursed her again, hoping for the same magic. But no, she wanted to play. 6:45 is respectable for a baby, so we went out to the living room.

Come naptime, it was more of the same hyperactive business--pulling up in the crib, cruising--anything but lying down. I gave it twenty minutes, then held her down gently in my bed, waiting for her will to weaken. Lying next to me, in the spoon position I forced her into, she finally relaxed and drifted off. I watched the clock, thinking after twenty minutes I would try transferring her to her crib. The house, as you can imagine after three days of fighting Anna for naps, was beyond disheveled. The list of has-to-be-dones was long.

But instead of attending to the list, I allowed myself to be charmed by her smell, her oh-so-soft skin, her even breathing. I came to my senses, and counted myself blessed to have such a babe in my arms for an hour, while Daddy read his computer textbook outside, and the other children enjoyed water play.

The house is still disheveled, but God answered yesterday's prayer. Today I made the most of my time with these precious children. Even if I had successfully transferred Anna to her crib and used the time to tidy up a bit, the tidiness wouldn't have lasted till evening.

But the memory of my sweet sleeping babe--my last babe--spooned against me on a pleasant summer day? THAT is a keeper. The prayers uttered about her future, spoken in my mind whilst she lay in my protective arms, will impact her far more than a slightly tidier house ever will.

Lord, help me utilize more of these farther-reaching parenting opportunities. And.....a house fairy would be nice too. Just sayin'.

How do YOU lean?

Some of the blogs I read are like slices of life. They illustrate blessings regularly, but they also give glimpses of messiness, of upheaval, and of suffering. To live is to experience both. Some people don't care to air difficulties on their blogs. They are more reserved. Well I admire reserved people for their self-discipline, I can look back and see that I've never had a satisfying relationship with a single reserved person. They don't allow one to get too close. And without closeness, there is only superficial relating. They may welcome confessions from others, but THEY never want to confess. Eventually I stop trying to have closeness with them, and stick with only superficial topics myself, which is okay...as long as we have both types of people in our lives.

If you've been reading long, you know I believe in talking about both blessing and suffering. Put more simply--I'm a whiner. It just feels better to get it out there. Perhaps because I am less able to put it in perspective, when I hold it in?

Something new has come into my life....moodiness. Before I was a basically happy person, even in the midst of trial. Now, no matter what I might do, I can't control the effects of hormones. They are chemicals, created by God. Last night I read a comment from Liz, which suggested that maybe I'm feeling the effects of mild post-partum depression, mixed with perimenopause.

Being the problem solver I am, I looked up perimenopause. WebMD had the following to say about perimenopause:

How Long Does Perimenopause Last?

The average length of perimenopause is four years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Perimenopause ends the first year after menopause (when a woman has gone 12 months without having her period).

What Are the Signs of Perimenopause?

You will know you are transitioning into menopause when you begin experiencing some or all of the following symptoms:

* Hot flashes
* Breast tenderness
* Worsening of premenstrual syndrome
* Decreased libido (sex drive)
* Fatigue
* Irregular periods
* Vaginal dryness; discomfort during sex
* Urine leakage when coughing or sneezing
* Urinary urgency (a pressing need to urinate more frequently)
* Mood swings
* Difficulty sleeping

After reading all that, I thought to myself--WHAT! Just shoot me if this is what life will entail for the next fifteen to twenty years--until I'm done with both peri and full menopause! God certainly punished us women for Eve's sin. This all sounds like part of the "pain in childbearing" curse, if you ask me. That curse goes far beyond labor pains, in my humble opinion. Premenstrual syndrome (I rarely got that), hormone headaches, painful periods, miscarriage, infertility, hormonally-induced insomnia, perimenopause, and finally, menopause. They can all be tied up neatly as part of the female-hormone sin curse.

Why do some women get all of them, and others none? Why do some women get them only briefly, while others get them chronically? Only our Creator knows. Should we be one of the sufferers, what is the answer?

The Michael Jackson tragedy drove something home for me. As a chronic headache sufferer, I've taken Excedrin nearly everyday for the past twelve years. Usually only two a day are needed, so my liver is probably fine; I am extremely careful about mixing medicines. But what about the days I've had to take more, even while still following the dosing on the package? Will my liver give out one day?

When one deals with chronic pain, taking something becomes a knee-jerk reaction. Then when another type of pain or suffering comes along, we are more likely to reach for a pill for that as well, simply because reaching for a pill has become second nature. I feel that is what happened to Michael Jackson, as well as the countless others who have become addicted to prescription medicines.

While I navigate the waters of perimenopause, or simply the hormonal blues, I have to watch my tendency to reach for something. Life will throw even more things at me--that is sure. God often doesn't take away physical suffering. I can't pray this away; I've tried that with the headaches. He has answered in the sense that I don't need strong drugs to deal with my migraines, like some people do. The Excedrin works within 30 minutes about 80% of the time. But he hasn't healed the headaches, or the ADHD, or the chronic, face-changing eczema Emily has. She will grow out of it around five or six, most likely, but in the meantime it is hard to deal with. Daniel may grow out of some of the ADHD, but in the meantime it is a huge, life-altering problem for all of us. And I will likely grow out of hormonally-induced moodiness, but in the meantime it is a problem for all of us.

The answer then, is not healing. It is leaning. On Him. Year by year, month by month, week by week, day by day, moment by moment.

I'm learning that each person doesn't lean on God in the same way. For some, reading the Bible is the best leaning. For others, praying is the best leaning. Recently I've come to realize that for me, listening to praise and worship music is the best leaning. I ALWAYS feel better after worshipping through song. I SOMETIMES feel better after praying or reading Scripture. Certainly, I need to do all of them to experience all that God has for me. But when I need to reach for a perimenopause "pill" , it will be praise and worship music.

And yes, I'll check into Primrose, too, Liz! Thank you! An acquaintance from church, who also gave birth in her forties, said last night that her OB told her the moods were a combination of post-partum effects and perimenopausal effects. You are right! Count it all joy! Hopefully my hubby doesn't shoot me before it's done. A high percentage of marriages go sour during this time--or so I read. Maybe that's why I recently ran into that marriage blog? You know, the one that posts the "positions of the week"? LOL

as simple as

I am running out of contact lenses and haven't been seen by an eye doctor for over two years. We didn't have any vision insurance through the school district, so we kept putting it off. Today I was seen by a Walmart vision center doctor. He was quick, witty, and very nice. Seeing that I didn't have any insurance, he discounted the exam fee. I told him thank you, but was embarrassed to say anything more. Next week I go back to tell him how I like these new contacts, and then I'll give him a thank you card, with the words I couldn't say to his face.

People without vision insurance are everywhere, so it isn't like my situation is unusual. But he cares. It probably costs him to care, but he does it anyway. He wasn't from our area. I drove 30 minutes to get this available appointment, so I would have new contacts as soon as possible, and so that I could get these errands out of the way before Don starts school. God knew that this man was the man I needed to see.

Although this whole job loss thing is nerve-wracking, it IS exciting to see what God has planned next. Somehow he always ensures that we make ends meet, even though there are so many variables, and so many purchases that seem pressing. The sprinkler I bought for the kids wasn't pressing, and at the time I felt guilty for being weak. The kids are spoiled--no doubt about that. I am a generous person, and the flip side of every strength is a weakness. Generous people are more likely to spoil their kids, which is a big negative in a lot of respects--taking years and a lot of discipline to reverse. We are making headway on this; I know this because when we come upon a good deal at a garage sale or at a thrift store, Daniel tells me excitedly, "Jesus blessed us today!" Amen to that. He is learning that the world and everything in it belongs to the Lord.

God must understand that there will be purchases like sprinklers; since he blessed me today, maybe the sprinkler was okay with him--either that, or his grace prevailed.

Our van has over 150,000 miles on it, and now that Don's car is grounded, we are putting more miles on it. There isn't going to be money to get a new used van anytime soon. When I let it, this situation worries me. I want to be able to use the van to extend the children's education--beyond the border of our home, and our books. When God works things out like he did today with the doctor, it helps me remember that my troubles are not lost on him. He knows how many miles are on the odometer. Of course he does.

I saw Glenn Beck's new book in the doctor's waiting room, with the doctor's name stamped on the front cover, and the words "office copy". Seeing this book, I wondered before meeting this doctor if he might be a Christian. When he quietly told me he was discounting the price already given to me, I knew. Yes...he knows the Lord. And maybe he has been where I am, at some point in his life--causing him to extend compassion. Being down on your luck can lead to a huge buildup of compassion. Not an everyday type of compassion, but a burning compassion. Probably one that you never really lose touch with.

Whatever your financial situation is, don't let it weigh on you. God knows all the figures, and he knows how many days of life are left on your water heater, on your furnace, and on your vehicle. Just delight in Him. It's as simple as that.

Inexplicable

The ache for a child, or the loss of a child, is so deeply painful for us women. I feel so badly for all the women who click on blog after blog--seeing pictures of dearly loved children--only to turn away from their computers, to a house that is either quiet, or contains the noise of just one or two children. Many want only one or two, so for them perhaps there is relief when they read posts about larger-family chaos. But for those whose hearts yearn for the noise and the chaos, the pain is so, so deep, and it can be so constant.

We conceived our first child within three months and then lost him at 21 weeks. It took five months to get pregnant again, which were the longest five months of my life. I don't pretend to know what it is like to ache for a child for years and years, but in those five months, my ache was constant. I learned to surrender, and when I gave up making a project out of getting pregnant, we conceived Daniel.

That five months was the extent of my experience, thus far, in dealing with the womanly ache for a child. It was short, but deeply felt, and still remembered. Last week, my husband was contacted by his urologist's office, and was given a report of "negative", in regards to his post-vasectomy sperm sample. He almost had a smile on his face when he told me. And me? I was absolutely crushed in spirit. I walked away from him, and just wanted to run outside and shout with all my might, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Right now, I have my Anna to cuddle and kiss and delight in, but when she toddles away from me, I know there will be pain when I click on blogs and read about the new pregnancies of other women. I can't explain it to you. I don't understand why this passage is so hard for me to accept. In many ways I am being a spoiled brat. After all, I have four children to enjoy (and another two to meet in heaven). I have no right to feel this way--but I do. I can't deny it. Do I wish I had a different husband--one who delights in children more? No. I understand too well the folly of "greener grass" thinking, when it comes to marriage.

God could have exhausted my ache for children, thereby putting me in sync with my husband's thinking. But he has not. So down the line, I think I will offer my loving arms to a working mom's baby, if God agrees. My husband will probably be working days at some point in the next five years, so he will not be burdened by the presence of another baby. I babysat for two babies and a toddler when we moved to Ohio, although not all at once. The last child I watched came to us in 2007, when Emily was five months old. His name was Anthony, and he was thirteen months when we met him, and 19 months when his parents moved out of our area and we had to say goodbye. I loved him dearly, and took great pleasure in rocking him to sleep and watching him grow.

As I deal with the inexplicable longing that is to come, I will think of him, and hope for another baby to love. And in the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that I have been abundantly blessed already, and I have no "right" to these feelings. I am ashamed of them, and yet I can't deny them, or understand them.

There is much to wonder about as we move along in our Christian walk. Everyone has a different story with different twists, but there is still the wondering--the longing for something--the waiting for something. I can only conclude that it is part of God's plan, so that we have an urgent need for Him to fill us up again and again. He wants us to find companionship and fulfillment in him, rather than in the things of this world.

And there is that fulfillment--that deeply satisfying companionship. We have only to go after it, everyday, purposefully.


Just an aside: I came across a blogger who has met Michelle Duggar. Here is a post about their meeting.