We have a peaceful marriage, as marriages go. When peace does fly out the window, often ADHD is the culprit. Or so it seems.
We took time off of Daniel's medication for awhile, then we tried another type, called Focalin Extended Release. In the lowest available dose, 5 mg, it worked roughly 7 hours per day for a couple of months. Seven hours seems to be the maximum relief available, which gets a child through school, thankfully. Meds rarely make an ADHD child's or adult's behavior and emotions reach a completely normal range. But they can significantly alter outcomes during the most productive part of the day, which is why they're usually worth the effort.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder often accompanies ADD/ADHD, as well as other co-morbid disorders, such as OCD, Oppositional Defiant disorder, Tourette's Syndrome (tics), Conduct Disorder, or a mood disorder (often depression). In fact, sixty-five percent of sufferers have one or more co-morbid disorders, making it difficult to find a medication for the ADHD that doesn't aggravate a co-morbid disorder. Resorting to two medications is not uncommon, although obviously we'd never want to go there. We never wanted to resort to any medication, period.
If you're reading this and feeling judgmental about the use of meds, stop. Unless you've tried to rear an ADD/ADHD child, you have no right to form any judgement.
Anyhow, I think we're at a point in which the Focalin ER is aggravating the anxiety, making symptoms of anxiety as troublesome as the ADHD. Making a long story short, these issues are robbing us of marital peace right now, or so it seems.
Twice I have typed "or so it seems". Why, you ask, would I add that? The reason is that whenever I feel like it would be best if my beloved packed up and disappeared, it is never the ADHD, or money-management woes, or lack of communication, or any other popular hot-button marriage issue. Instead, it is my heart. My heart.
Most of all, right now, I'm thankful. I've been exposed to enough good teaching, backed up by enough Scripture, to know that when the Enemy tries to tell me I've married the wrong person, I know immediately that it's a false, evil conclusion.
Once we're married, discontent with our significant-other is never a matter of the wrong person. It's a matter of the heart. Our heart.
We have only to say, "God, change me."
As a post script, I want to say that if you're in a physically-abusive marriage, the best thing to do is leave. Don't date or marry or stray during the separation period. Just let the Lord restore the abusing spouse. Yes, it will take time. After the Lord has had his way with the abuser, it will be a glorious marriage, and all the glory will go to the Father.
And yet still, the leaving spouse needs to ask the Lord for a heart change; it will take a major heart change to allow the abused person to forgive and forget. Without this forgiveness, reconciliation would be short-lived, at best.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
blessings
Time to count some blessings:
1. Another awesome homeschooling playdate today. Weather was again perfect for hiking--at a new park this time. The children all waded in a lovely stream, looked for wildlife and thoroughly enjoyed each other's fellowship. A new child, Elizabeth, age 7 (and her dad) joined us. Elizabeth is another tomboy--a child after my Daniel's heart, much like Faith, the four-year-old who joins us every time. Only Elizabeth is Daniel's same age and she's more verbal and outgoing. Possibly the perfect friend for him. She collects as many creatures as Daniel and loves nature with the same intensity.
Her dad owns a toy shop; please say a quick prayer for him. Business is poor right now, due to the economy. He is struggling to stay open and had to recently apply for a credit card to get his car transmission fixed. Ouch. We can so relate to his struggles right now. God brought our two families together right now for a purpose, perhaps? Absolutely, I think. We can lend a listening ear, help take Elizabeth to activities, and have her over for playdates. It's a divorce situation, and dad is trying to homeschool her while continuing to run the business. She doesn't get as much social interaction as dad would like to provide.
2. I've mentioned that my husband probably has ADHD or ADD? He loses things frequently and needs help getting out the door with glasses, keys and wallet in hand. His inattentiveness means that he leaves knives within the kids' reach, forgets to lock the door at night, leaves the kids outside too long without supervision, leaves our two-year-old on the potty and forgets her....etc. He helps a lot, but I always have to be paying attention. I have to do a lot of checking. ADHD/ADD sufferers (kids AND adults) are commonly deemed lazy and irresponsible, by unknowing outsiders. Yes, an adult should know to put wallet/keys/glasses in the same place every time. It shouldn't be an issue before every outing, but it is. It's easy for me to get extremely irritated at all the ways this brain disorder makes my husband seem childlike. But God doesn't allow that. Don's dad couldn't take it (didn't understand it) and the two of them had a horrible relationship. God doesn't want that unhealthy pattern repeated between Don and me. So he gave me a son who struggles in related areas (less inattentive but more impulsive). Thus, I have an understanding of my husband's struggles. Most of the time I see these two not as the rest of the world sees them, but as God sees them. I can look for the glasses or keys for the millionth time and hand them over with a smile, knowing that my husband is doing his best. I look at him and I don't see lazy or irresponsible. I see unique, godly qualities. It's a privilege to extend grace toward my husband. It's a blessing that he extends it to me, everyday. My marriage is a blessing--such a rock in these troubled times.
3. I helped in AWANA at church the last two weeks. Timothy is in my class this year (Sparks K-2), along with Daniel. It's the first time I've seen Timothy in a classroom situation. He's a very good boy! I wanted to scoop him up tonight and squeeze the stuffing out of him--I was so proud! Daniel has his wiggle, tapping, and voice-volume issues, and needs to remember not to sit next to someone he'll talk to, but he is mostly good as well. They enjoy the lessons and activities, which are very well thought out.
Tonight the main teacher held up a piece of paper with a magnet behind it and a paper clip in front of it. The paper clip was being moved around by the magnet. The lesson was that we can't see God--like the paper clip can't see the magnet--but we can still be (must be) subject to his lead. Such visual demonstrations are valuable for kids like Timothy, who need to see, see, see to comprehend. AWANA is a blessing!
4. Another blessing that's come out of this bad economy has to do with my increased ability to extend grace toward strangers. Before, I was quicker to judge things I just didn't understand. The school I taught in for nine years comes to mind a lot now. It was a low-income area, with 90% of the student body receiving free lunch/breakfast. The teachers--me included--had a tendency to look down on the parents for failing to do any homework with their students, come to conferences, remember needed items, get rid of lice quickly, etc. We were easily irritated by what seemed to be blatant irresponsibility. Many of them didn't even work, or they were among the working poor (working part-time or full-time for a low wage).
Now that we are doing creative math with our checking account--juggling two part-time job paydays with partial unemployment disbursements--to get the mortgage and utilities paid and keep the meals coming, my eyes have been opened to how hard daily life is for the economically disadvantaged. Routine things take a lot longer to accomplish. You can't mail a bill because you don't have money for stamps...or you need groceries but you can only get a few things, until payday. You live on a day-to-day basis, spending more time shopping, bill paying, checkbook watching, etc. Nothing is simple or routine. There is a steady stream of financial issues, partially because you can't afford to do things well, or ahead of time, like fix that car properly, deal with that roof issue, buy clothes that last, buy resume paper, have enough gas to get to the interview, etc. I could go on and on.
We have God to lift us up and give us hope, but those families I worked with as a teacher didn't. Reading to their kids once a day was the last thing on their minds. They were just trying to survive. They couldn't get rid of lice quickly because buying the lice-removal equipment and having the quarters for all the extra loads of laundry was just too much of a burden. (No, my kids don't have lice...just an example.)
I'm deeply, deeply ashamed for every minute I spent judging them. No, I was never rude or even short with them; I behaved professionally. But my heart wasn't soft. There was no there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I sentiments. They should be trying harder, I thought. We all thought it, at that school. Shame on us! We had no idea! They were in a state of constant stress, with no hope of improvement. It wasn't temporary hardship due to a bad economy--it was a way of life. Some of them had never known anything different.
Passing judgement is folly. Always.
1. Another awesome homeschooling playdate today. Weather was again perfect for hiking--at a new park this time. The children all waded in a lovely stream, looked for wildlife and thoroughly enjoyed each other's fellowship. A new child, Elizabeth, age 7 (and her dad) joined us. Elizabeth is another tomboy--a child after my Daniel's heart, much like Faith, the four-year-old who joins us every time. Only Elizabeth is Daniel's same age and she's more verbal and outgoing. Possibly the perfect friend for him. She collects as many creatures as Daniel and loves nature with the same intensity.
Her dad owns a toy shop; please say a quick prayer for him. Business is poor right now, due to the economy. He is struggling to stay open and had to recently apply for a credit card to get his car transmission fixed. Ouch. We can so relate to his struggles right now. God brought our two families together right now for a purpose, perhaps? Absolutely, I think. We can lend a listening ear, help take Elizabeth to activities, and have her over for playdates. It's a divorce situation, and dad is trying to homeschool her while continuing to run the business. She doesn't get as much social interaction as dad would like to provide.
2. I've mentioned that my husband probably has ADHD or ADD? He loses things frequently and needs help getting out the door with glasses, keys and wallet in hand. His inattentiveness means that he leaves knives within the kids' reach, forgets to lock the door at night, leaves the kids outside too long without supervision, leaves our two-year-old on the potty and forgets her....etc. He helps a lot, but I always have to be paying attention. I have to do a lot of checking. ADHD/ADD sufferers (kids AND adults) are commonly deemed lazy and irresponsible, by unknowing outsiders. Yes, an adult should know to put wallet/keys/glasses in the same place every time. It shouldn't be an issue before every outing, but it is. It's easy for me to get extremely irritated at all the ways this brain disorder makes my husband seem childlike. But God doesn't allow that. Don's dad couldn't take it (didn't understand it) and the two of them had a horrible relationship. God doesn't want that unhealthy pattern repeated between Don and me. So he gave me a son who struggles in related areas (less inattentive but more impulsive). Thus, I have an understanding of my husband's struggles. Most of the time I see these two not as the rest of the world sees them, but as God sees them. I can look for the glasses or keys for the millionth time and hand them over with a smile, knowing that my husband is doing his best. I look at him and I don't see lazy or irresponsible. I see unique, godly qualities. It's a privilege to extend grace toward my husband. It's a blessing that he extends it to me, everyday. My marriage is a blessing--such a rock in these troubled times.
3. I helped in AWANA at church the last two weeks. Timothy is in my class this year (Sparks K-2), along with Daniel. It's the first time I've seen Timothy in a classroom situation. He's a very good boy! I wanted to scoop him up tonight and squeeze the stuffing out of him--I was so proud! Daniel has his wiggle, tapping, and voice-volume issues, and needs to remember not to sit next to someone he'll talk to, but he is mostly good as well. They enjoy the lessons and activities, which are very well thought out.
Tonight the main teacher held up a piece of paper with a magnet behind it and a paper clip in front of it. The paper clip was being moved around by the magnet. The lesson was that we can't see God--like the paper clip can't see the magnet--but we can still be (must be) subject to his lead. Such visual demonstrations are valuable for kids like Timothy, who need to see, see, see to comprehend. AWANA is a blessing!
4. Another blessing that's come out of this bad economy has to do with my increased ability to extend grace toward strangers. Before, I was quicker to judge things I just didn't understand. The school I taught in for nine years comes to mind a lot now. It was a low-income area, with 90% of the student body receiving free lunch/breakfast. The teachers--me included--had a tendency to look down on the parents for failing to do any homework with their students, come to conferences, remember needed items, get rid of lice quickly, etc. We were easily irritated by what seemed to be blatant irresponsibility. Many of them didn't even work, or they were among the working poor (working part-time or full-time for a low wage).
Now that we are doing creative math with our checking account--juggling two part-time job paydays with partial unemployment disbursements--to get the mortgage and utilities paid and keep the meals coming, my eyes have been opened to how hard daily life is for the economically disadvantaged. Routine things take a lot longer to accomplish. You can't mail a bill because you don't have money for stamps...or you need groceries but you can only get a few things, until payday. You live on a day-to-day basis, spending more time shopping, bill paying, checkbook watching, etc. Nothing is simple or routine. There is a steady stream of financial issues, partially because you can't afford to do things well, or ahead of time, like fix that car properly, deal with that roof issue, buy clothes that last, buy resume paper, have enough gas to get to the interview, etc. I could go on and on.
We have God to lift us up and give us hope, but those families I worked with as a teacher didn't. Reading to their kids once a day was the last thing on their minds. They were just trying to survive. They couldn't get rid of lice quickly because buying the lice-removal equipment and having the quarters for all the extra loads of laundry was just too much of a burden. (No, my kids don't have lice...just an example.)
I'm deeply, deeply ashamed for every minute I spent judging them. No, I was never rude or even short with them; I behaved professionally. But my heart wasn't soft. There was no there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I sentiments. They should be trying harder, I thought. We all thought it, at that school. Shame on us! We had no idea! They were in a state of constant stress, with no hope of improvement. It wasn't temporary hardship due to a bad economy--it was a way of life. Some of them had never known anything different.
Passing judgement is folly. Always.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Graduate
My precious Daniel graduated from first grade today! Congratulations, Doodlebug! I'm so proud of you!
The portfolio review went very well. The teacher who served us--a former elementary teacher and homeschool mom--was very gentle and kind. Daniel was very shy and barely said a word, but I think he liked her and I know he was pleased with how it went. We had met her briefly earlier this year at some homeschooling art events she sponsored. Her son is already in college and is a champion ice skater. He earned his Bachelor's Degree last year--at age twenty! Now in graduate school, he is still into competitive skating. I suspect his mom has these side jobs to help pay for the skating, which is a very expensive venture. She earns $30 for every homeschooling review she does, which makes me wish I had an Ohio credential! $30/hour ain't bad!
Anyhow, she thought Daniel accomplished a lot. And she said we had more social studies and science samples than she ever sees! Yeah for Daddy! Those are his subjects!
It surprised her that my husband was involved. She thinks it's typical for husbands to be against the home-teaching process, to varying degrees. A mom she met with last week was in tears during her meeting; her husband wants the kids in school next year, and every year thereafter. As soon as I heard that I felt horrible for the mom, and then I praised the Lord for my husband! Some things in my life are very hard, but my husband is really a bright spot--as is each child of course. There are plenty of things Don does that drive me nuts--the least of which are socks taken off and thrown wherever, and trashing the kitchen and floor when he cooks--but I am fortunate that we have the same vision for the children. That is priceless! I know that a Dad's leadership in Bible study, prayer, AND learning go even further than a Mom's does. Statistics prove it, although I'm too tired to find the articles again and link them. Sorry. Momma's one tired girl!
After two months of teething behavior, I think my Anna is finally going to be sporting a tooth soon. Lately she sticks her finger in her mouth during nursing--ouch for Momma! It breaks the suction enough to provide her some pain relief, while still allowing some milk to get through. Another clue is that she is waking about every 60-90 minutes at night. Talk about undereye circles! I've been burning the oil trying to get the portfolio in tip top shape this week, and her wake ups on top of that have given life that boot-camp feel.
Parenting--the only boot camp you'll ever love!
Now you'll have to excuse me. If I don't stop and get ready for bed right now, I'll fall asleep right here and slump into the keyboard--which would surely wake my big girl, who turned eight months last Sunday! Seems like just yesterday I was drowning you in my newborn-nursing sob stories. Eight months old just doesn't seem possible!
Thank you, Liz, for the diaper-rash cream tip!
The portfolio review went very well. The teacher who served us--a former elementary teacher and homeschool mom--was very gentle and kind. Daniel was very shy and barely said a word, but I think he liked her and I know he was pleased with how it went. We had met her briefly earlier this year at some homeschooling art events she sponsored. Her son is already in college and is a champion ice skater. He earned his Bachelor's Degree last year--at age twenty! Now in graduate school, he is still into competitive skating. I suspect his mom has these side jobs to help pay for the skating, which is a very expensive venture. She earns $30 for every homeschooling review she does, which makes me wish I had an Ohio credential! $30/hour ain't bad!
Anyhow, she thought Daniel accomplished a lot. And she said we had more social studies and science samples than she ever sees! Yeah for Daddy! Those are his subjects!
It surprised her that my husband was involved. She thinks it's typical for husbands to be against the home-teaching process, to varying degrees. A mom she met with last week was in tears during her meeting; her husband wants the kids in school next year, and every year thereafter. As soon as I heard that I felt horrible for the mom, and then I praised the Lord for my husband! Some things in my life are very hard, but my husband is really a bright spot--as is each child of course. There are plenty of things Don does that drive me nuts--the least of which are socks taken off and thrown wherever, and trashing the kitchen and floor when he cooks--but I am fortunate that we have the same vision for the children. That is priceless! I know that a Dad's leadership in Bible study, prayer, AND learning go even further than a Mom's does. Statistics prove it, although I'm too tired to find the articles again and link them. Sorry. Momma's one tired girl!
After two months of teething behavior, I think my Anna is finally going to be sporting a tooth soon. Lately she sticks her finger in her mouth during nursing--ouch for Momma! It breaks the suction enough to provide her some pain relief, while still allowing some milk to get through. Another clue is that she is waking about every 60-90 minutes at night. Talk about undereye circles! I've been burning the oil trying to get the portfolio in tip top shape this week, and her wake ups on top of that have given life that boot-camp feel.
Parenting--the only boot camp you'll ever love!
Now you'll have to excuse me. If I don't stop and get ready for bed right now, I'll fall asleep right here and slump into the keyboard--which would surely wake my big girl, who turned eight months last Sunday! Seems like just yesterday I was drowning you in my newborn-nursing sob stories. Eight months old just doesn't seem possible!
Thank you, Liz, for the diaper-rash cream tip!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Photos
Anna didn't sleep through the night last night. But I did exercise self-discipline and go to bed around 11:30 p.m. I awoke with Anna at 7:15 and went to the living room to enjoy her before anyone else woke up.
The boys, very tired from VBS, slept until 8:00. Are they getting to an age where they can finally sleep in? Just maybe.
Emily awoke at 7:30 so I was again up before her, averting any safety problems. She loves the outdoors so much I fear she'll use her dresser to climb out the window in the morning. So far, God is keeping her safe by waking me first. He seems to have this figured out.
After our tenth anniversary lunch date we went to a family birthday party. I asked my aunt to take this photo of us to mark this special day. Anna is wiggling out of my arms as usual. What a blessing to have those memories of rocking my colicky baby for five months. She sure doesn't want to be held much now. Thank the Lord for colic! My honey is much better looking than shown--bad picture.
Timothy at the church picnic.
Daniel and Timothy at cousin Elena's (she's in center with the curls) 10th birthday party. She is my second cousin.
Anna made a friend at the church picnic.
Emily Rose and cousin Danny. Danny is my cousin's daughter's son. Does that make him Emily's third cousin? Not sure how that works. She looks as though she's feeling so in love! LOL
Daniel took this and wanted me to include it. See Anna's tired face? Her second nap is two hours late in the photo. I stay at home most of the time so that she can enjoy good naps, but one has to remind a baby occasionally that there's life outside their house and yard. She slept on a bed at their house for all of twenty minutes. She's picky like the pea-in-the-mattress fairy tale princess.
My little genius!
The boys, very tired from VBS, slept until 8:00. Are they getting to an age where they can finally sleep in? Just maybe.
Emily awoke at 7:30 so I was again up before her, averting any safety problems. She loves the outdoors so much I fear she'll use her dresser to climb out the window in the morning. So far, God is keeping her safe by waking me first. He seems to have this figured out.
After our tenth anniversary lunch date we went to a family birthday party. I asked my aunt to take this photo of us to mark this special day. Anna is wiggling out of my arms as usual. What a blessing to have those memories of rocking my colicky baby for five months. She sure doesn't want to be held much now. Thank the Lord for colic! My honey is much better looking than shown--bad picture.
Timothy at the church picnic.
Daniel and Timothy at cousin Elena's (she's in center with the curls) 10th birthday party. She is my second cousin.
Anna made a friend at the church picnic.
Emily Rose and cousin Danny. Danny is my cousin's daughter's son. Does that make him Emily's third cousin? Not sure how that works. She looks as though she's feeling so in love! LOL
Daniel took this and wanted me to include it. See Anna's tired face? Her second nap is two hours late in the photo. I stay at home most of the time so that she can enjoy good naps, but one has to remind a baby occasionally that there's life outside their house and yard. She slept on a bed at their house for all of twenty minutes. She's picky like the pea-in-the-mattress fairy tale princess.
My little genius!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Marriage Study
In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds
Print Tue Jul 14, 12:45 pm ET
SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.
A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.
The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.
It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.
Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.
A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.
Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.
Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.
And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.
Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.
The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.
Print Tue Jul 14, 12:45 pm ET
SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.
A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.
The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.
It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.
Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.
A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.
Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.
Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.
And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.
Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.
The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
How do YOU lean?
Some of the blogs I read are like slices of life. They illustrate blessings regularly, but they also give glimpses of messiness, of upheaval, and of suffering. To live is to experience both. Some people don't care to air difficulties on their blogs. They are more reserved. Well I admire reserved people for their self-discipline, I can look back and see that I've never had a satisfying relationship with a single reserved person. They don't allow one to get too close. And without closeness, there is only superficial relating. They may welcome confessions from others, but THEY never want to confess. Eventually I stop trying to have closeness with them, and stick with only superficial topics myself, which is okay...as long as we have both types of people in our lives.
If you've been reading long, you know I believe in talking about both blessing and suffering. Put more simply--I'm a whiner. It just feels better to get it out there. Perhaps because I am less able to put it in perspective, when I hold it in?
Something new has come into my life....moodiness. Before I was a basically happy person, even in the midst of trial. Now, no matter what I might do, I can't control the effects of hormones. They are chemicals, created by God. Last night I read a comment from Liz, which suggested that maybe I'm feeling the effects of mild post-partum depression, mixed with perimenopause.
Being the problem solver I am, I looked up perimenopause. WebMD had the following to say about perimenopause:
How Long Does Perimenopause Last?
The average length of perimenopause is four years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Perimenopause ends the first year after menopause (when a woman has gone 12 months without having her period).
What Are the Signs of Perimenopause?
You will know you are transitioning into menopause when you begin experiencing some or all of the following symptoms:
* Hot flashes
* Breast tenderness
* Worsening of premenstrual syndrome
* Decreased libido (sex drive)
* Fatigue
* Irregular periods
* Vaginal dryness; discomfort during sex
* Urine leakage when coughing or sneezing
* Urinary urgency (a pressing need to urinate more frequently)
* Mood swings
* Difficulty sleeping
After reading all that, I thought to myself--WHAT! Just shoot me if this is what life will entail for the next fifteen to twenty years--until I'm done with both peri and full menopause! God certainly punished us women for Eve's sin. This all sounds like part of the "pain in childbearing" curse, if you ask me. That curse goes far beyond labor pains, in my humble opinion. Premenstrual syndrome (I rarely got that), hormone headaches, painful periods, miscarriage, infertility, hormonally-induced insomnia, perimenopause, and finally, menopause. They can all be tied up neatly as part of the female-hormone sin curse.
Why do some women get all of them, and others none? Why do some women get them only briefly, while others get them chronically? Only our Creator knows. Should we be one of the sufferers, what is the answer?
The Michael Jackson tragedy drove something home for me. As a chronic headache sufferer, I've taken Excedrin nearly everyday for the past twelve years. Usually only two a day are needed, so my liver is probably fine; I am extremely careful about mixing medicines. But what about the days I've had to take more, even while still following the dosing on the package? Will my liver give out one day?
When one deals with chronic pain, taking something becomes a knee-jerk reaction. Then when another type of pain or suffering comes along, we are more likely to reach for a pill for that as well, simply because reaching for a pill has become second nature. I feel that is what happened to Michael Jackson, as well as the countless others who have become addicted to prescription medicines.
While I navigate the waters of perimenopause, or simply the hormonal blues, I have to watch my tendency to reach for something. Life will throw even more things at me--that is sure. God often doesn't take away physical suffering. I can't pray this away; I've tried that with the headaches. He has answered in the sense that I don't need strong drugs to deal with my migraines, like some people do. The Excedrin works within 30 minutes about 80% of the time. But he hasn't healed the headaches, or the ADHD, or the chronic, face-changing eczema Emily has. She will grow out of it around five or six, most likely, but in the meantime it is hard to deal with. Daniel may grow out of some of the ADHD, but in the meantime it is a huge, life-altering problem for all of us. And I will likely grow out of hormonally-induced moodiness, but in the meantime it is a problem for all of us.
The answer then, is not healing. It is leaning. On Him. Year by year, month by month, week by week, day by day, moment by moment.
I'm learning that each person doesn't lean on God in the same way. For some, reading the Bible is the best leaning. For others, praying is the best leaning. Recently I've come to realize that for me, listening to praise and worship music is the best leaning. I ALWAYS feel better after worshipping through song. I SOMETIMES feel better after praying or reading Scripture. Certainly, I need to do all of them to experience all that God has for me. But when I need to reach for a perimenopause "pill" , it will be praise and worship music.
And yes, I'll check into Primrose, too, Liz! Thank you! An acquaintance from church, who also gave birth in her forties, said last night that her OB told her the moods were a combination of post-partum effects and perimenopausal effects. You are right! Count it all joy! Hopefully my hubby doesn't shoot me before it's done. A high percentage of marriages go sour during this time--or so I read. Maybe that's why I recently ran into that marriage blog? You know, the one that posts the "positions of the week"? LOL
If you've been reading long, you know I believe in talking about both blessing and suffering. Put more simply--I'm a whiner. It just feels better to get it out there. Perhaps because I am less able to put it in perspective, when I hold it in?
Something new has come into my life....moodiness. Before I was a basically happy person, even in the midst of trial. Now, no matter what I might do, I can't control the effects of hormones. They are chemicals, created by God. Last night I read a comment from Liz, which suggested that maybe I'm feeling the effects of mild post-partum depression, mixed with perimenopause.
Being the problem solver I am, I looked up perimenopause. WebMD had the following to say about perimenopause:
How Long Does Perimenopause Last?
The average length of perimenopause is four years, but for some women this stage may last only a few months or continue for 10 years. Perimenopause ends the first year after menopause (when a woman has gone 12 months without having her period).
What Are the Signs of Perimenopause?
You will know you are transitioning into menopause when you begin experiencing some or all of the following symptoms:
* Hot flashes
* Breast tenderness
* Worsening of premenstrual syndrome
* Decreased libido (sex drive)
* Fatigue
* Irregular periods
* Vaginal dryness; discomfort during sex
* Urine leakage when coughing or sneezing
* Urinary urgency (a pressing need to urinate more frequently)
* Mood swings
* Difficulty sleeping
After reading all that, I thought to myself--WHAT! Just shoot me if this is what life will entail for the next fifteen to twenty years--until I'm done with both peri and full menopause! God certainly punished us women for Eve's sin. This all sounds like part of the "pain in childbearing" curse, if you ask me. That curse goes far beyond labor pains, in my humble opinion. Premenstrual syndrome (I rarely got that), hormone headaches, painful periods, miscarriage, infertility, hormonally-induced insomnia, perimenopause, and finally, menopause. They can all be tied up neatly as part of the female-hormone sin curse.
Why do some women get all of them, and others none? Why do some women get them only briefly, while others get them chronically? Only our Creator knows. Should we be one of the sufferers, what is the answer?
The Michael Jackson tragedy drove something home for me. As a chronic headache sufferer, I've taken Excedrin nearly everyday for the past twelve years. Usually only two a day are needed, so my liver is probably fine; I am extremely careful about mixing medicines. But what about the days I've had to take more, even while still following the dosing on the package? Will my liver give out one day?
When one deals with chronic pain, taking something becomes a knee-jerk reaction. Then when another type of pain or suffering comes along, we are more likely to reach for a pill for that as well, simply because reaching for a pill has become second nature. I feel that is what happened to Michael Jackson, as well as the countless others who have become addicted to prescription medicines.
While I navigate the waters of perimenopause, or simply the hormonal blues, I have to watch my tendency to reach for something. Life will throw even more things at me--that is sure. God often doesn't take away physical suffering. I can't pray this away; I've tried that with the headaches. He has answered in the sense that I don't need strong drugs to deal with my migraines, like some people do. The Excedrin works within 30 minutes about 80% of the time. But he hasn't healed the headaches, or the ADHD, or the chronic, face-changing eczema Emily has. She will grow out of it around five or six, most likely, but in the meantime it is hard to deal with. Daniel may grow out of some of the ADHD, but in the meantime it is a huge, life-altering problem for all of us. And I will likely grow out of hormonally-induced moodiness, but in the meantime it is a problem for all of us.
The answer then, is not healing. It is leaning. On Him. Year by year, month by month, week by week, day by day, moment by moment.
I'm learning that each person doesn't lean on God in the same way. For some, reading the Bible is the best leaning. For others, praying is the best leaning. Recently I've come to realize that for me, listening to praise and worship music is the best leaning. I ALWAYS feel better after worshipping through song. I SOMETIMES feel better after praying or reading Scripture. Certainly, I need to do all of them to experience all that God has for me. But when I need to reach for a perimenopause "pill" , it will be praise and worship music.
And yes, I'll check into Primrose, too, Liz! Thank you! An acquaintance from church, who also gave birth in her forties, said last night that her OB told her the moods were a combination of post-partum effects and perimenopausal effects. You are right! Count it all joy! Hopefully my hubby doesn't shoot me before it's done. A high percentage of marriages go sour during this time--or so I read. Maybe that's why I recently ran into that marriage blog? You know, the one that posts the "positions of the week"? LOL
Saturday, June 27, 2009
As another governor's adulterous sin plays out before us, I am sickened. I read the story below, and while doing so I was cautioned once again about the folly of devoting all my feminine energy toward child rearing. Even though I am deeply saddened at what Governor Sanford has done to his sons and to his wife, I am also cognizant that seemingly-innocent wifely neglect often contributes mightily to sins of adultery. It starts out with the wife being so consumed by the needs of the kids that she tunes out her husband's sexual needs, and any other companionship needs he has. This is probably especially true for women who are fairly independent. We don't require a lot FROM our husbands, and that makes it easier for us to get out of touch with them. The role of mother is indeed noble, and we can fancy ourselves as being next to godly as we carry out our mission.
Our husbands blame themselves when they feel sexually frustrated, or otherwise neglected. They see how busy and consumed we are, and begin to think there is something wrong with them, that they can't be satisfied with what they have. Perhaps they feel selfish..juvenile, as a result. And they fail to communicate these things, for fear of appearing silly. Communication is never going to be a man's strong point, for the most part. There are always exceptions, but mostly they need us to pay attention, and take the time to draw them out.
Know that I'm mostly preaching to myself about this. Let's take this sad news story as a warning, rather than just be disgusted at Governor Sanford's actions. We have it within our power to create an exciting, satisfying marriage. It isn't something we MIGHT do, if we feel so inclined. Rather, it is something we MUST do.
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Our husbands blame themselves when they feel sexually frustrated, or otherwise neglected. They see how busy and consumed we are, and begin to think there is something wrong with them, that they can't be satisfied with what they have. Perhaps they feel selfish..juvenile, as a result. And they fail to communicate these things, for fear of appearing silly. Communication is never going to be a man's strong point, for the most part. There are always exceptions, but mostly they need us to pay attention, and take the time to draw them out.
Know that I'm mostly preaching to myself about this. Let's take this sad news story as a warning, rather than just be disgusted at Governor Sanford's actions. We have it within our power to create an exciting, satisfying marriage. It isn't something we MIGHT do, if we feel so inclined. Rather, it is something we MUST do.
Sanford Wife Shocked by Argentine Trip
By BRUCE SMITH
, AP
SULLIVANS ISLAND, S.C. (June 26) - South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford sat in her oceanfront living room Friday, recalling how her husband repeatedly asked permission to visit his lover in the months after she discovered his affair.
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"I said absolutely not. It's one thing to forgive adultery; it's another thing to condone it," Jenny Sanford told The Associated Press during a 20-minute interview at the coastal home where she sought refuge with their four sons. They were her first extended comments on the affair.
She said that when her husband, Gov. Mark Sanford, inexplicably disappeared last week, she hoped he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail, as his staff told those who inquired about his absence. That he had dared to go to Argentina to see the other woman left her stunned.
"He was told in no uncertain terms not to see her," she said in a strong, steady voice. "I was hoping he was on the Appalachian Trail. But I was not worried about his safety. I was hoping he was doing some real soul searching somewhere and devastated to find out it was Argentina. It's tragic."
The Sanfords had separated about two weeks ago. She said her husband told the family that he wanted some time away to work on writing a book and clear his head. The first lady said, "I had every hope he was not going to see her."
"You would think that a father who didn't have contact with his children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little bit," she said.
Sanford, who is staying at the official residence in Columbia, returned Wednesday to end days of speculation on his whereabouts, publicly confess his cheating and emotionally apologize.
Jenny Sanford, a Georgetown-educated, former Wall Street vice president, did not stand next to her husband Wednesday during his pained public confession.
Sanford said she discovered her husband's affair early this year after coming across a copy of a letter to the mistress in one of his files in the official governor's mansion. He had asked her to find some financial information, she said, not an unusual request considering her heavy involvement in his career.
She would not comment on what was in the letter except to say "enough to figure out an affair was going on."
She felt "shocked and obviously deeply hurt. I didn't think he had it in him," she said. "It's hard to find out your husband is not who you thought he was."
The first lady said she confronted her husband immediately, and he agreed to end the affair. She said she wasn't sure Friday whether he had done so.
"I guess that's what we will have to see. I believe he has," she said. "But he was down there for five days. I saw him yesterday and he is not staying here. We'll just see what kind of spirit of reconciliation he has himself."
The governor declined to discuss details of the letter and how he handled it with his wife.
"This goes into the personal zone," Sanford said Friday. "I'd simply say that Jenny has been absolutely magnanimous and gracious as a wonderful Christian woman in this process."
Skip over this content Jenny Sanford cried at the end of the interview, and said the couple have been to counseling.
"When I found out in January, we both indicated a willingness to continue working on the marriage, but there's not room for three people in a marriage," she said. "I've done everything in my power possibly to keep him from going to see her and to really make sure she was off the table, including asking him to leave."
About an hour after Jenny Sanford talked of her pain and feelings of betrayal, her husband brushed aside any suggestion he might immediately resign, citing the Bible and the story of King David — who continued to lead after sleeping with another man's wife, Bathsheba, having the husband slain, then marrying the widow.
"What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily — fell in very, very significant ways, but then picked up the pieces and built from there," Sanford told members of his cabinet in a session called so he could apologize to them in person and tell them the business of government must continue.
Meanwhile, questions grew about a trip to Argentina he took last summer. While Sanford has agreed to reimburse the state for part of a more-than $8,000 tab that enabled him to see the mistress, state officials indicated they never intended a South American economic development trip to hold meetings in Argentina. That was only done at the governor's behest, said Kara Borie, a spokeswoman for the state Commerce Department.
Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer said he did not immediately know whether Sanford's request for business meetings would have allowed him to have taxpayers cover the entire Argentina visit.
Some Republican leaders have called for Sanford to resign and some lawmakers and watchdog groups are pressing for investigations into whether he improperly used state money.
For Jenny Sanford, the focus is the couple's four sons. During her interview, she wept as she displayed the stellar report cards earned by her eldest two sons at their exclusive private school in Columbia.
On the coffee table was a collection of devotional books, including a book of commentary on the Bible's Book of Job, the story of a man whose faith God tests to the extreme.
"Parenting is the most important job there is and what Mark has done has added a serious weight to that job," she said.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Father's Day Tribute
A Father's Day Tribute
Honey, do you know what I most wanted to find in a husband? A good father for my yearned-for children. Everything else would be wonderful--I knew--if that one thing was there. And God had me wait. And wait. And wait.
When, at age 32, I met you...I just knew. There was no question. We met on a church-singles' hike in October and were married the following July 3rd (in case you've forgotten the details lol). And there was no regret. There never has been, My Love.
You far surpass what people would call a "good father". Never taking a moment for yourself, you give tirelessly to our children. Even when dealing with Daniel--who often sends you to your knees before God--you never stop giving. If there is a spare moment, you spend it with our children, while still somehow making me feel cherished.
You don't philosophize, wonder about their future, or worry about the present. You just do love. If anyone ever needed a definition of what it means for love to be a verb, they need only spend a day with you. There is nothing you WON'T do for them--be it bathing, diaper changing, or the dreaded craft time--which you hate. You just put one foot in front of the other and do. There is no hesitation.
Your favorite thing is to take them outdoors, which you do a lot. But that isn't Timothy's favorite thing. So you show Timothy love in other ways...you find out what he needs, and you respond.
Thank you, My Love, for giving of yourself, each and everyday, without rest. Thank you for BEING sacrificial love, just as Jesus was.
Babies take a lot of out you, driving you nearly insane sometimes, but you've allowed me four of them--much to my never-ending delight. Thank you especially for that. There's no greater gift you could have given me.
You waited a long time to marry yourself, and only had one full year with me before I conceived and became a mother six times in eight years--nursing for five of them. It hasn't been what you imagined, by any means, and yet you've never begrudged me my mothering bliss. I'm beholden to you for that, as well as for so many other things.
Thank you, My Love. I love you with all my heart, and it grows stronger everyday, as I see you tirelessly carry out the greatest commandment.
Honey, do you know what I most wanted to find in a husband? A good father for my yearned-for children. Everything else would be wonderful--I knew--if that one thing was there. And God had me wait. And wait. And wait.
When, at age 32, I met you...I just knew. There was no question. We met on a church-singles' hike in October and were married the following July 3rd (in case you've forgotten the details lol). And there was no regret. There never has been, My Love.
You far surpass what people would call a "good father". Never taking a moment for yourself, you give tirelessly to our children. Even when dealing with Daniel--who often sends you to your knees before God--you never stop giving. If there is a spare moment, you spend it with our children, while still somehow making me feel cherished.
You don't philosophize, wonder about their future, or worry about the present. You just do love. If anyone ever needed a definition of what it means for love to be a verb, they need only spend a day with you. There is nothing you WON'T do for them--be it bathing, diaper changing, or the dreaded craft time--which you hate. You just put one foot in front of the other and do. There is no hesitation.
Your favorite thing is to take them outdoors, which you do a lot. But that isn't Timothy's favorite thing. So you show Timothy love in other ways...you find out what he needs, and you respond.
Thank you, My Love, for giving of yourself, each and everyday, without rest. Thank you for BEING sacrificial love, just as Jesus was.
Babies take a lot of out you, driving you nearly insane sometimes, but you've allowed me four of them--much to my never-ending delight. Thank you especially for that. There's no greater gift you could have given me.
You waited a long time to marry yourself, and only had one full year with me before I conceived and became a mother six times in eight years--nursing for five of them. It hasn't been what you imagined, by any means, and yet you've never begrudged me my mothering bliss. I'm beholden to you for that, as well as for so many other things.
Thank you, My Love. I love you with all my heart, and it grows stronger everyday, as I see you tirelessly carry out the greatest commandment.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
An Interesting Site
Through some blog-surfing, I found a Christian woman's blog that is totally devoted to helping others develop a loving Christian marriage. It is called Love Lasts a Lifetime. I just wanted to let you know ahead of time that it is on my sidebar and contains information about improving one's overall marriage, including marital intimacy. She apparently does a post every week or so about an intimate position. There are no inappropriate pictures or anything like that (totally Christian content), but if you have teenage children in your house, or very good readers, maybe you don't want them peering over your shoulder while you visit the site.
My libido always takes a serious nose dive when I'm nursing. I do feel awful about it, and very sorry for my husband. This woman is dedicated to helping Christian moms see beyond our own feelings, so that we honor our husbands by being enthusiastic AND available. I hope you don't mind my posting the site here. Maybe your husband will thank me. :) I went through about two weeks of posts. Her husband posts less often, but speaks directly to husbands when he does.
My libido always takes a serious nose dive when I'm nursing. I do feel awful about it, and very sorry for my husband. This woman is dedicated to helping Christian moms see beyond our own feelings, so that we honor our husbands by being enthusiastic AND available. I hope you don't mind my posting the site here. Maybe your husband will thank me. :) I went through about two weeks of posts. Her husband posts less often, but speaks directly to husbands when he does.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Inexplicable
The ache for a child, or the loss of a child, is so deeply painful for us women. I feel so badly for all the women who click on blog after blog--seeing pictures of dearly loved children--only to turn away from their computers, to a house that is either quiet, or contains the noise of just one or two children. Many want only one or two, so for them perhaps there is relief when they read posts about larger-family chaos. But for those whose hearts yearn for the noise and the chaos, the pain is so, so deep, and it can be so constant.
We conceived our first child within three months and then lost him at 21 weeks. It took five months to get pregnant again, which were the longest five months of my life. I don't pretend to know what it is like to ache for a child for years and years, but in those five months, my ache was constant. I learned to surrender, and when I gave up making a project out of getting pregnant, we conceived Daniel.
That five months was the extent of my experience, thus far, in dealing with the womanly ache for a child. It was short, but deeply felt, and still remembered. Last week, my husband was contacted by his urologist's office, and was given a report of "negative", in regards to his post-vasectomy sperm sample. He almost had a smile on his face when he told me. And me? I was absolutely crushed in spirit. I walked away from him, and just wanted to run outside and shout with all my might, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Right now, I have my Anna to cuddle and kiss and delight in, but when she toddles away from me, I know there will be pain when I click on blogs and read about the new pregnancies of other women. I can't explain it to you. I don't understand why this passage is so hard for me to accept. In many ways I am being a spoiled brat. After all, I have four children to enjoy (and another two to meet in heaven). I have no right to feel this way--but I do. I can't deny it. Do I wish I had a different husband--one who delights in children more? No. I understand too well the folly of "greener grass" thinking, when it comes to marriage.
God could have exhausted my ache for children, thereby putting me in sync with my husband's thinking. But he has not. So down the line, I think I will offer my loving arms to a working mom's baby, if God agrees. My husband will probably be working days at some point in the next five years, so he will not be burdened by the presence of another baby. I babysat for two babies and a toddler when we moved to Ohio, although not all at once. The last child I watched came to us in 2007, when Emily was five months old. His name was Anthony, and he was thirteen months when we met him, and 19 months when his parents moved out of our area and we had to say goodbye. I loved him dearly, and took great pleasure in rocking him to sleep and watching him grow.
As I deal with the inexplicable longing that is to come, I will think of him, and hope for another baby to love. And in the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that I have been abundantly blessed already, and I have no "right" to these feelings. I am ashamed of them, and yet I can't deny them, or understand them.
There is much to wonder about as we move along in our Christian walk. Everyone has a different story with different twists, but there is still the wondering--the longing for something--the waiting for something. I can only conclude that it is part of God's plan, so that we have an urgent need for Him to fill us up again and again. He wants us to find companionship and fulfillment in him, rather than in the things of this world.
And there is that fulfillment--that deeply satisfying companionship. We have only to go after it, everyday, purposefully.
Just an aside: I came across a blogger who has met Michelle Duggar. Here is a post about their meeting.
We conceived our first child within three months and then lost him at 21 weeks. It took five months to get pregnant again, which were the longest five months of my life. I don't pretend to know what it is like to ache for a child for years and years, but in those five months, my ache was constant. I learned to surrender, and when I gave up making a project out of getting pregnant, we conceived Daniel.
That five months was the extent of my experience, thus far, in dealing with the womanly ache for a child. It was short, but deeply felt, and still remembered. Last week, my husband was contacted by his urologist's office, and was given a report of "negative", in regards to his post-vasectomy sperm sample. He almost had a smile on his face when he told me. And me? I was absolutely crushed in spirit. I walked away from him, and just wanted to run outside and shout with all my might, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Right now, I have my Anna to cuddle and kiss and delight in, but when she toddles away from me, I know there will be pain when I click on blogs and read about the new pregnancies of other women. I can't explain it to you. I don't understand why this passage is so hard for me to accept. In many ways I am being a spoiled brat. After all, I have four children to enjoy (and another two to meet in heaven). I have no right to feel this way--but I do. I can't deny it. Do I wish I had a different husband--one who delights in children more? No. I understand too well the folly of "greener grass" thinking, when it comes to marriage.
God could have exhausted my ache for children, thereby putting me in sync with my husband's thinking. But he has not. So down the line, I think I will offer my loving arms to a working mom's baby, if God agrees. My husband will probably be working days at some point in the next five years, so he will not be burdened by the presence of another baby. I babysat for two babies and a toddler when we moved to Ohio, although not all at once. The last child I watched came to us in 2007, when Emily was five months old. His name was Anthony, and he was thirteen months when we met him, and 19 months when his parents moved out of our area and we had to say goodbye. I loved him dearly, and took great pleasure in rocking him to sleep and watching him grow.
As I deal with the inexplicable longing that is to come, I will think of him, and hope for another baby to love. And in the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that I have been abundantly blessed already, and I have no "right" to these feelings. I am ashamed of them, and yet I can't deny them, or understand them.
There is much to wonder about as we move along in our Christian walk. Everyone has a different story with different twists, but there is still the wondering--the longing for something--the waiting for something. I can only conclude that it is part of God's plan, so that we have an urgent need for Him to fill us up again and again. He wants us to find companionship and fulfillment in him, rather than in the things of this world.
And there is that fulfillment--that deeply satisfying companionship. We have only to go after it, everyday, purposefully.
Just an aside: I came across a blogger who has met Michelle Duggar. Here is a post about their meeting.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
An Interview
I don't say much about the job hunt here. There isn't usually encouraging news, and I don't want to say something that will be a downer for someone who may have just lost a job. The shock of joblessness is difficult to deal with at first, but after a few months have passed, one gets used to the uncertainty.
I do want to ask for prayer for an interview Don will have tomorrow. It is the first job listed that includes benefits. Don never expected the application to amount to anything, so getting the call for an interview was quite surprising to him. It would be so encouraging to him, and such a blessing to all of us, if he is chosen. I don't know what God has planned, and perhaps this job would be a bad fit. So I guess I'm asking for prayer that Don will feel confident and relaxed during the interview, no matter what the outcome. If you've been to any interviews lately, you know how draining it can be for those of us who don't have confidence exuding from our pores. Just going in there and feeling confident would be a blessing.
I probably say too much about my husband on my blog. A lot of you are nodding right now. Certainly it is in poor taste to put one's husband down in anyway. They deserve our love and respect always. But when only gushing things are said about husbands on blogs, it gives the impression that marriage can be an easy breezy thing for some people. That just isn't the truth; I strive to present a realistic picture of marriage. A good goal for any spouse is to get to a humble place in our heart about our own imperfections. When we get to and stay at that humble place, our marriage happiness just soars--even though our spouse may have stayed the same.
Anyway, hopefully I have painted enough of a good picture that someone out there wants to pray for him. Thank you!
I do want to ask for prayer for an interview Don will have tomorrow. It is the first job listed that includes benefits. Don never expected the application to amount to anything, so getting the call for an interview was quite surprising to him. It would be so encouraging to him, and such a blessing to all of us, if he is chosen. I don't know what God has planned, and perhaps this job would be a bad fit. So I guess I'm asking for prayer that Don will feel confident and relaxed during the interview, no matter what the outcome. If you've been to any interviews lately, you know how draining it can be for those of us who don't have confidence exuding from our pores. Just going in there and feeling confident would be a blessing.
I probably say too much about my husband on my blog. A lot of you are nodding right now. Certainly it is in poor taste to put one's husband down in anyway. They deserve our love and respect always. But when only gushing things are said about husbands on blogs, it gives the impression that marriage can be an easy breezy thing for some people. That just isn't the truth; I strive to present a realistic picture of marriage. A good goal for any spouse is to get to a humble place in our heart about our own imperfections. When we get to and stay at that humble place, our marriage happiness just soars--even though our spouse may have stayed the same.
Anyway, hopefully I have painted enough of a good picture that someone out there wants to pray for him. Thank you!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
half-empty or half-full
Are you a glass-half-empty, or a glass-half-full person? And is your husband the same, or different?
Yesterday morning, after a spill on the dining-room floor, I started singing my joy song--only with a desperate, trying-not-to-cry kind of voice. You see, the children's 2% milk had spilled on the dining-room floor at least five times in the last seven days. It is NOT fun to clean up, and sweeping and mopping in there isn't easy; so many things have to be moved out first, and so many little feet banned from the room for the duration of the clean-up. I've tried getting up the spills with just dry towels and then wet towels, but a film is always left on the floor. The wood-floor mop is the only thing that gets up the film.
Anyhow, Daniel said to Daddy in response to my song: "Isn't it nice, Daddy, that Mommy counts everything as all joy? I really like her songs."
Now my husband is a glass-half empty kind of person. I don't mean to put him down in saying that. He is a wonderful man and has more of a servant's heart than I do. It's just that his natural bent is to NOT look on the bright side of things. When I am overtired and not feeling charitable, his half-empty mindset drives me insane. Otherwise, I don't think about it a whole lot.
I could immediately tell that Daniel's comment both irritated him and surprised him. The surprise was from the fact that Daniel didn't seem to mind (or catch onto) my desperate--rather than joyful--tone of singing. The irritation was probably from the fact that he knew Daniel may have been comparing Daddy's grumpiness to Mommy's new-found, but-sometimes-feined, outside joyfulness.
I felt sorry for Don. My joy songs are a source of irritation to him, I fear. He has for years been asking God for a filling of the spirit--for a joy that surpasses all understanding. I think it is much harder for the glass-half-empty personality to hold on to joy. All the adversity we've experienced in our ten-year marriage has wearied him a bit. The children--especially Daniel--take a lot of emotional energy out of him. He loves being around his family and doesn't want to pursue, or be pushed to pursue, an outside outlet. However without such an outlet, raising kids is much harder for a man. There is a balance. Some men are forever playing golf in their leisure time, and that isn't good for the family. I think when he was working full-time, that was enough of a separation for him. He was happier and more relaxed then, whereas right now he is going through a lot. I can't explain it to the kids; they don't know that he lost his main job. We've only told them that he is looking for a better job, and that he will start a computer school soon.
Our pastor recently preached on joy, and Don talked with him afterwards about setting up a meeting to talk about that pursuit in Don's life. I went to the church yesterday to sign the boys up for a Friday day-camp, and I ran into the Pastor. He asked how we were doing, mentioning that we had really been going through things lately. I told him that we were fine, and that the unemployment led to Don receiving a grant for some training in the computer field, which would probably turn out to be a big blessing. I explained that Don had pursued a ministry education in the past, and that it hadn't led where he'd wanted it to, and as a result Don has lived with job dissatisfaction for a very long time. Pastor said he was looking forward to talking to Don. And he added, "It will be fun. I enjoy that." This was completely genuine. Our Pastor is a very joy-filled man. I'm so grateful for him.
And my heart hopes that the meetings between these two will lead to Don understanding--and being able to capture and keep--joy in his heart. I know he is a saved man. This doesn't have to do with that. It's more of a personality bent--a self speak--something that I think one can be trained to possibly change, with God's help.
I don't mind sharing Don's burdens. He has to share mine too, whether he wants to or not. It's an inevitable part of marriage, and something that ultimately draws a couple closer--if they use grace to get past the irritation. My tendency towards nervousness and anxiety gets to him sometimes. I sense he is worried that I won't be able to handle all four kids on my own, while Anna is still taking lousy naps. My answer to that is prayer, prayer and more prayer, and telling him to go in peace and let God work it out with Anna.
I'm trying everything and her naps are still too short. God will HAVE to intervene on her behalf. If it's a case of reflux and lying flat causes her pain, than God will have to address that--although when I place her in a reclined infant seat, her naps are only slightly longer. My doctor only prescribes something for reflux when the baby is spitting up so much that she isn't gaining weight. Anna is gaining well.
If I accept her thirty to fifty-minute naps and then put her down more often, she has a lot of trouble drifting off at all--like she is wired and over-tired. When held, she sleeps four hours over three naps during the day, and this leads to good night sleep. With the shorter naps, she wakes up super early in the morning, and has trouble sleeping the rest of the day.
But I really can't complain too much, because I absolutely adore watching her sleep and feeling her sweet body against me. She will be my last baby, thanks to Don's recent vasectomy. Today she got up on all fours, and I kissed her and hugged her in congratulations. But then I thought--wait a minute--my last baby is about to crawl away from me, probably in less than six weeks! Yikes! Not fair!
I don't know why this is so hard for me. It happens to every woman, after all. There is always a last baby. Anna will hopefully nurse well into her second year or beyond--delaying the pain for Momma a bit. Every stage has its joys, I know. But cuddling and nursing babies is the ultimate for me.
Maybe I'll run a baby daycare when my children leave. One never knows.
Yesterday morning, after a spill on the dining-room floor, I started singing my joy song--only with a desperate, trying-not-to-cry kind of voice. You see, the children's 2% milk had spilled on the dining-room floor at least five times in the last seven days. It is NOT fun to clean up, and sweeping and mopping in there isn't easy; so many things have to be moved out first, and so many little feet banned from the room for the duration of the clean-up. I've tried getting up the spills with just dry towels and then wet towels, but a film is always left on the floor. The wood-floor mop is the only thing that gets up the film.
Anyhow, Daniel said to Daddy in response to my song: "Isn't it nice, Daddy, that Mommy counts everything as all joy? I really like her songs."
Now my husband is a glass-half empty kind of person. I don't mean to put him down in saying that. He is a wonderful man and has more of a servant's heart than I do. It's just that his natural bent is to NOT look on the bright side of things. When I am overtired and not feeling charitable, his half-empty mindset drives me insane. Otherwise, I don't think about it a whole lot.
I could immediately tell that Daniel's comment both irritated him and surprised him. The surprise was from the fact that Daniel didn't seem to mind (or catch onto) my desperate--rather than joyful--tone of singing. The irritation was probably from the fact that he knew Daniel may have been comparing Daddy's grumpiness to Mommy's new-found, but-sometimes-feined, outside joyfulness.
I felt sorry for Don. My joy songs are a source of irritation to him, I fear. He has for years been asking God for a filling of the spirit--for a joy that surpasses all understanding. I think it is much harder for the glass-half-empty personality to hold on to joy. All the adversity we've experienced in our ten-year marriage has wearied him a bit. The children--especially Daniel--take a lot of emotional energy out of him. He loves being around his family and doesn't want to pursue, or be pushed to pursue, an outside outlet. However without such an outlet, raising kids is much harder for a man. There is a balance. Some men are forever playing golf in their leisure time, and that isn't good for the family. I think when he was working full-time, that was enough of a separation for him. He was happier and more relaxed then, whereas right now he is going through a lot. I can't explain it to the kids; they don't know that he lost his main job. We've only told them that he is looking for a better job, and that he will start a computer school soon.
Our pastor recently preached on joy, and Don talked with him afterwards about setting up a meeting to talk about that pursuit in Don's life. I went to the church yesterday to sign the boys up for a Friday day-camp, and I ran into the Pastor. He asked how we were doing, mentioning that we had really been going through things lately. I told him that we were fine, and that the unemployment led to Don receiving a grant for some training in the computer field, which would probably turn out to be a big blessing. I explained that Don had pursued a ministry education in the past, and that it hadn't led where he'd wanted it to, and as a result Don has lived with job dissatisfaction for a very long time. Pastor said he was looking forward to talking to Don. And he added, "It will be fun. I enjoy that." This was completely genuine. Our Pastor is a very joy-filled man. I'm so grateful for him.
And my heart hopes that the meetings between these two will lead to Don understanding--and being able to capture and keep--joy in his heart. I know he is a saved man. This doesn't have to do with that. It's more of a personality bent--a self speak--something that I think one can be trained to possibly change, with God's help.
I don't mind sharing Don's burdens. He has to share mine too, whether he wants to or not. It's an inevitable part of marriage, and something that ultimately draws a couple closer--if they use grace to get past the irritation. My tendency towards nervousness and anxiety gets to him sometimes. I sense he is worried that I won't be able to handle all four kids on my own, while Anna is still taking lousy naps. My answer to that is prayer, prayer and more prayer, and telling him to go in peace and let God work it out with Anna.
I'm trying everything and her naps are still too short. God will HAVE to intervene on her behalf. If it's a case of reflux and lying flat causes her pain, than God will have to address that--although when I place her in a reclined infant seat, her naps are only slightly longer. My doctor only prescribes something for reflux when the baby is spitting up so much that she isn't gaining weight. Anna is gaining well.
If I accept her thirty to fifty-minute naps and then put her down more often, she has a lot of trouble drifting off at all--like she is wired and over-tired. When held, she sleeps four hours over three naps during the day, and this leads to good night sleep. With the shorter naps, she wakes up super early in the morning, and has trouble sleeping the rest of the day.
But I really can't complain too much, because I absolutely adore watching her sleep and feeling her sweet body against me. She will be my last baby, thanks to Don's recent vasectomy. Today she got up on all fours, and I kissed her and hugged her in congratulations. But then I thought--wait a minute--my last baby is about to crawl away from me, probably in less than six weeks! Yikes! Not fair!
I don't know why this is so hard for me. It happens to every woman, after all. There is always a last baby. Anna will hopefully nurse well into her second year or beyond--delaying the pain for Momma a bit. Every stage has its joys, I know. But cuddling and nursing babies is the ultimate for me.
Maybe I'll run a baby daycare when my children leave. One never knows.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Submission and the Flylady
Before I got married I remember hearing a teaching on submissiveness in marriage. The teacher said to think of your husband as holding a big umbrella. Over that umbrella is Christ, and under it is the husband and wife. The wife's task is to stay under the umbrella with her husband, by being submissive and respecting the husband as the spiritual leader. The exception would be if the husband was leading the wife down an immoral path, such as violating one of the Ten Commandments or another very clear command in the Bible.
So in the absence of immoral leadership, a wife should submit to her husband. While she does so, God protects her. As soon as she steps out from under the umbrella, God does not provide the same protective blessing. What I think this means is that if the husband does a really stupid thing and the wife stays submissive, the wife and children are protected from the worst of the consequences. As long as the entire umbrella picture looks like what God desires, the family by and large receives little discipline, and much grace and blessing. That's not to say they don't experience grief at the same rate as everyone else.
The leadership role does not give husbands license to be ridiculous, macho and oppressive. They must love their wives as Christ loved the church - they must exercise sacrificial love, which is very, very hard. Just as hard as submission is for the wife.
Remember Adam and Eve? One of Eve's punishments was that she would want to rule over her husband. So essentially, the relationship between husbands and wives is now conflicted, instead of Garden-of-Eden harmonious. Brilliant, God. This is one of the questions I'll have for you someday. Why does submission have to be so hard? Wasn't the pain in childbirth enough of a punishment for Eve?
If husbands and wives stay in the Bible and pray together (and alone), conflict stays at a minimum. But life gets busy and Satan uses that to make sure Bible and prayer get cut short, or even cut out on some days. Not wise, but it happens anyway, even to Pastoral families. The door to conflict is then opened and couples have to evaluate why things changed. Then, like an apple dropping on their heads, they suddenly get it. How many days has it been since we prayed together - read together?
If you got married in your mid-twenties like most women do, then submission isn't far from what you experienced under your parent's roof. Now me? I got married at the age of 33, which was two years after I became a Christian. Submission hasn't been my strong point; I left the roof of my parents at the age of 18. That's a lot of alone years. I'm not a difficult personality, or a "leaky faucet" terrorizing my husband, but I am stubborn.
I remember a three-part series a few years back about spiritual leadership and submission. The Pastor delivering it was full of humor, telling us how often he hears from husbands,"I WOULD lead, if she would LET me!" And from wives, "My husband won't lead. I remember more often than he does that we need to pray and study together, and lead the children in prayer and Bible Study."
Compounding the whole thing is that the running of the house is usually done by the woman, giving her a large domain over which she MUST succeed, for life to be tolerably comfortable for everyone. Running things for the majority of the day, only to have to switch gears the minute the husband comes through the door, is just plain hard. Doing it successfully, or even half so, takes daily reliance on God, with daily prayer.
And because women are more prone to introspection and to spirituality, taking control over all things that are spiritually related, including the direction the family takes in terms of outside commitments, and in terms of financial health, and daily prayer and study, is really hard for men. It doesn't come naturally for most, anymore than a gentle and quiet spirit comes naturally for women.
When you analyze it, I guess God wasn't so far off when he designed marriage. His design forces us to rely on him for every success. I realize much more now how my level of discipline towards being submissive absolutely affects my children and their own future abilities to either be submissive (girls) or take a spiritual lead (boys). It is up to Don and me to model this for them. Certainly they will have healthier marriages --and healthier children-- if they already have specific pictures in their minds as to what a Godly marriage look like.
As always, when changes need to occur, we start with ourselves, and a "change me" attitude, rather than a "change him" attitude. The Bible tells us that our husbands will be won over by our behavior:
1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."
And further, verses 3-5:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
My thoughts turn to this topic because I feel off balance with this since Anna Grace was born. This week I've become even more aware of how my haphazard running of the house contributes to my lack of submission--lack of gentleness and quietness. My own disorganization makes me cranky and overwhelmed. I almost feel defeated an hour into the day, making it hard to put on a submissive, loving, quiet smile. Part of this feeling comes from being a perfectionist coupled with being spontaneous/disorganized. It's a lethal combo. I hope you aren't a fellow sufferer. lol
God has pointed these things out, and pointed me in the way of help. I'll be revisiting the Flylady, and the House Fairy (the Fairy helps children get organized) tutorials, which are invaluable in helping moms effectively run a house, including how to schedule for errands, paperwork, house blessing, etc. I keep forgetting how disorganized I am by nature. I'm a failure without a specific plan. What organized people can do in their sleep, I can only do when being intentional.
So what have YOU learned about submission since your wedding day? How have you disciplined yourself to follow, rather than to lead?
So in the absence of immoral leadership, a wife should submit to her husband. While she does so, God protects her. As soon as she steps out from under the umbrella, God does not provide the same protective blessing. What I think this means is that if the husband does a really stupid thing and the wife stays submissive, the wife and children are protected from the worst of the consequences. As long as the entire umbrella picture looks like what God desires, the family by and large receives little discipline, and much grace and blessing. That's not to say they don't experience grief at the same rate as everyone else.
The leadership role does not give husbands license to be ridiculous, macho and oppressive. They must love their wives as Christ loved the church - they must exercise sacrificial love, which is very, very hard. Just as hard as submission is for the wife.
Remember Adam and Eve? One of Eve's punishments was that she would want to rule over her husband. So essentially, the relationship between husbands and wives is now conflicted, instead of Garden-of-Eden harmonious. Brilliant, God. This is one of the questions I'll have for you someday. Why does submission have to be so hard? Wasn't the pain in childbirth enough of a punishment for Eve?
If husbands and wives stay in the Bible and pray together (and alone), conflict stays at a minimum. But life gets busy and Satan uses that to make sure Bible and prayer get cut short, or even cut out on some days. Not wise, but it happens anyway, even to Pastoral families. The door to conflict is then opened and couples have to evaluate why things changed. Then, like an apple dropping on their heads, they suddenly get it. How many days has it been since we prayed together - read together?
If you got married in your mid-twenties like most women do, then submission isn't far from what you experienced under your parent's roof. Now me? I got married at the age of 33, which was two years after I became a Christian. Submission hasn't been my strong point; I left the roof of my parents at the age of 18. That's a lot of alone years. I'm not a difficult personality, or a "leaky faucet" terrorizing my husband, but I am stubborn.
I remember a three-part series a few years back about spiritual leadership and submission. The Pastor delivering it was full of humor, telling us how often he hears from husbands,"I WOULD lead, if she would LET me!" And from wives, "My husband won't lead. I remember more often than he does that we need to pray and study together, and lead the children in prayer and Bible Study."
Compounding the whole thing is that the running of the house is usually done by the woman, giving her a large domain over which she MUST succeed, for life to be tolerably comfortable for everyone. Running things for the majority of the day, only to have to switch gears the minute the husband comes through the door, is just plain hard. Doing it successfully, or even half so, takes daily reliance on God, with daily prayer.
And because women are more prone to introspection and to spirituality, taking control over all things that are spiritually related, including the direction the family takes in terms of outside commitments, and in terms of financial health, and daily prayer and study, is really hard for men. It doesn't come naturally for most, anymore than a gentle and quiet spirit comes naturally for women.
When you analyze it, I guess God wasn't so far off when he designed marriage. His design forces us to rely on him for every success. I realize much more now how my level of discipline towards being submissive absolutely affects my children and their own future abilities to either be submissive (girls) or take a spiritual lead (boys). It is up to Don and me to model this for them. Certainly they will have healthier marriages --and healthier children-- if they already have specific pictures in their minds as to what a Godly marriage look like.
As always, when changes need to occur, we start with ourselves, and a "change me" attitude, rather than a "change him" attitude. The Bible tells us that our husbands will be won over by our behavior:
1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."
And further, verses 3-5:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
My thoughts turn to this topic because I feel off balance with this since Anna Grace was born. This week I've become even more aware of how my haphazard running of the house contributes to my lack of submission--lack of gentleness and quietness. My own disorganization makes me cranky and overwhelmed. I almost feel defeated an hour into the day, making it hard to put on a submissive, loving, quiet smile. Part of this feeling comes from being a perfectionist coupled with being spontaneous/disorganized. It's a lethal combo. I hope you aren't a fellow sufferer. lol
God has pointed these things out, and pointed me in the way of help. I'll be revisiting the Flylady, and the House Fairy (the Fairy helps children get organized) tutorials, which are invaluable in helping moms effectively run a house, including how to schedule for errands, paperwork, house blessing, etc. I keep forgetting how disorganized I am by nature. I'm a failure without a specific plan. What organized people can do in their sleep, I can only do when being intentional.
So what have YOU learned about submission since your wedding day? How have you disciplined yourself to follow, rather than to lead?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Baring Bodies
Miss California is in the news again today. Apparently at the age of seventeen she modeled some underwear - topless. Six pictures were obtained, and one was published on the Internet and written about on a gossip site.
Miss California says that the publishing of the pictures is another attack on her politically-incorrect gay marriage views, and on her Christianity. Claiming that the pictures were appropriate for modeling purposes, she says that she is a Christian, AND a model, intimating that one can do both without any problem.
I don't necessarily disagree with that. And I do agree that she has been unfairly attacked for having a Biblical view of homosexuality.
My only question - Why does one need to bare part of the breast in order to model underwear? The modeling picture was obviously meant to be provocative, which may not be uncommon, but I would argue that it is unnecessary.
She may lose her California crown, because contestants are supposed to reveal whether they've ever done any nude or partially-nude photos. She didn't reveal the existence of these photos during the state or national pageants, which I assume was an intentional fib. If she does lose the crown, I hope she will acknowledge that she made a mistake, rather than just do the talk-show circuit claiming that it was her gay-marriage stance that brought her down.
While I'm not strongly opposed to beauty contests, I do wish they would do away with the bikini part of beauty pageants. Is that part even remotely necessary? God gave women all kinds of different body shapes, and yet only one type (skinny, busty) is exemplified in these "beauty" pageants. What does that say to all the girls and women who don't have that body type? Men certainly don't like just one body type. If that were the case, God would have designed all females to look the same.
I do hate that women are objectified, and I hate even more that young women seem unaware of it. Either they enjoy it, or they are really clueless, having grown up in an increasingly revealing culture.
My husband would die if I paraded around in ultra-loose, overly-modest clothing, which makes the whole modesty issue complicated for wives. He likes legs and lives for spring, summer and fall weather, loving the opportunity to see me in shorts. If he had his way, I would wear short skirts 365 days a year, much to my distaste. I argued, when he told me about the skirts and his "leggy wishes", that Christian women shouldn't wear skirts that don't allow for modesty when sitting. He agreed that was probably true and came back with, "Can you at least wear them at home?" "What about the kids?", I inquired. "Shouldn't we teach them appropriate modesty, meaning that I should dress appropriately as their mother?" So he asked, "Could you at least wear them after the kids go to bed?"
I then argued that I don't have the money for extra wardrobe pieces, nor the time to think about changing clothes after the kids go to bed. He was crushed. Yes, I know. I'm no fun. I do feel guilty about it. He gets me short skirts when he can, and I really should, now that its warmer, try to don them at night at least once a week.
Now my honey is no weirdo, and I know we aren't the only couple who've had this conversation. But it just isn't me. You know? I've come to see it as a way of honoring him, but it still takes a lot of effort on my part.
After ten years of marriage, I am so struck at how visual God designed men to be. It is a very real vulnerability for them. They can fall into sin so easily because of their propensity for looking at the female body. If Christian women were taught to understand how God designed men in this respect, they could make better choices about how to dress in front of someone ELSE's husband.
My main qualm about partially-nude photos of an openly-Christian woman is that the Bible clearly says not to do something that will make another Christian stumble. In my mind, partially-nude photos fall under this Biblical idea - "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." The Biblical context of this sentence is part of a teaching on whether a believer should eat meat sacrificed to idols. Around "weak" believers, one shouldn't eat meat sacrificed to idols, as it could cause them to stumble in their faith.
Miss California wasn't just modeling her undies in that photo. It was much more than that. And I fear she doesn't understand that. Scores and scores of Christian men could stumble into lust, as a result of happening upon her photo, through no fault of their own. I would guess only a small percentage of men could view the photo without being affected. The same might be true of the partially-nude photo of Disney's Miley, who is also openly Christian. In that case, I believe she did apologize afterwards for a lack of judgement.
Churches don't address the issue of modesty very often, probably for fear of being called legalistic. And believe me I wouldn't want to be told that I shouldn't bare my ankles or arms, or even how short my shorts should be. But when a Christian woman in her early twenties doesn't think a partially-nude photo is a problem, aren't we being too politically correct in our sermons?
My husband agrees with me that Miss California, and her parents, made a mistake in allowing those photos to be taken of her. We would absolutely put our foot down about such things with our own daughters.
What say you? I welcome your thoughts and ideas, because I fear we are in for an uphill battle in teaching modesty to our young daughters. How will we prevail? Time to start praying now, I suspect.
Post Script - I should mention that I haven't watched a beauty contest in at least twenty years, so I'm not sure I am correct in saying that only one body type is exemplified. Sorry about that generalization.
Miss California says that the publishing of the pictures is another attack on her politically-incorrect gay marriage views, and on her Christianity. Claiming that the pictures were appropriate for modeling purposes, she says that she is a Christian, AND a model, intimating that one can do both without any problem.
I don't necessarily disagree with that. And I do agree that she has been unfairly attacked for having a Biblical view of homosexuality.
My only question - Why does one need to bare part of the breast in order to model underwear? The modeling picture was obviously meant to be provocative, which may not be uncommon, but I would argue that it is unnecessary.
She may lose her California crown, because contestants are supposed to reveal whether they've ever done any nude or partially-nude photos. She didn't reveal the existence of these photos during the state or national pageants, which I assume was an intentional fib. If she does lose the crown, I hope she will acknowledge that she made a mistake, rather than just do the talk-show circuit claiming that it was her gay-marriage stance that brought her down.
While I'm not strongly opposed to beauty contests, I do wish they would do away with the bikini part of beauty pageants. Is that part even remotely necessary? God gave women all kinds of different body shapes, and yet only one type (skinny, busty) is exemplified in these "beauty" pageants. What does that say to all the girls and women who don't have that body type? Men certainly don't like just one body type. If that were the case, God would have designed all females to look the same.
I do hate that women are objectified, and I hate even more that young women seem unaware of it. Either they enjoy it, or they are really clueless, having grown up in an increasingly revealing culture.
My husband would die if I paraded around in ultra-loose, overly-modest clothing, which makes the whole modesty issue complicated for wives. He likes legs and lives for spring, summer and fall weather, loving the opportunity to see me in shorts. If he had his way, I would wear short skirts 365 days a year, much to my distaste. I argued, when he told me about the skirts and his "leggy wishes", that Christian women shouldn't wear skirts that don't allow for modesty when sitting. He agreed that was probably true and came back with, "Can you at least wear them at home?" "What about the kids?", I inquired. "Shouldn't we teach them appropriate modesty, meaning that I should dress appropriately as their mother?" So he asked, "Could you at least wear them after the kids go to bed?"
I then argued that I don't have the money for extra wardrobe pieces, nor the time to think about changing clothes after the kids go to bed. He was crushed. Yes, I know. I'm no fun. I do feel guilty about it. He gets me short skirts when he can, and I really should, now that its warmer, try to don them at night at least once a week.
Now my honey is no weirdo, and I know we aren't the only couple who've had this conversation. But it just isn't me. You know? I've come to see it as a way of honoring him, but it still takes a lot of effort on my part.
After ten years of marriage, I am so struck at how visual God designed men to be. It is a very real vulnerability for them. They can fall into sin so easily because of their propensity for looking at the female body. If Christian women were taught to understand how God designed men in this respect, they could make better choices about how to dress in front of someone ELSE's husband.
My main qualm about partially-nude photos of an openly-Christian woman is that the Bible clearly says not to do something that will make another Christian stumble. In my mind, partially-nude photos fall under this Biblical idea - "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." The Biblical context of this sentence is part of a teaching on whether a believer should eat meat sacrificed to idols. Around "weak" believers, one shouldn't eat meat sacrificed to idols, as it could cause them to stumble in their faith.
Miss California wasn't just modeling her undies in that photo. It was much more than that. And I fear she doesn't understand that. Scores and scores of Christian men could stumble into lust, as a result of happening upon her photo, through no fault of their own. I would guess only a small percentage of men could view the photo without being affected. The same might be true of the partially-nude photo of Disney's Miley, who is also openly Christian. In that case, I believe she did apologize afterwards for a lack of judgement.
Churches don't address the issue of modesty very often, probably for fear of being called legalistic. And believe me I wouldn't want to be told that I shouldn't bare my ankles or arms, or even how short my shorts should be. But when a Christian woman in her early twenties doesn't think a partially-nude photo is a problem, aren't we being too politically correct in our sermons?
My husband agrees with me that Miss California, and her parents, made a mistake in allowing those photos to be taken of her. We would absolutely put our foot down about such things with our own daughters.
What say you? I welcome your thoughts and ideas, because I fear we are in for an uphill battle in teaching modesty to our young daughters. How will we prevail? Time to start praying now, I suspect.
Post Script - I should mention that I haven't watched a beauty contest in at least twenty years, so I'm not sure I am correct in saying that only one body type is exemplified. Sorry about that generalization.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Developments
Looks like my writing time is going to be changing, which explains today's morning post. At least four days a week, I'll have to have my posts done before 8:30 p.m. Recall that I mentioned receivers of unemployment benefits aren't allowed to turn down work, in most cases? And that you have to have at least two contacts per week? That meant that for some weeks, we had to apply for less-than-desirable jobs to meet the two-contact rule. In each case, we prayed that Don wouldn't be offered these "junk" jobs.
Let me only say that when you tell God you want to be useful to him - watch out! He will shape you like never before, which can be sooooo uncomfortable. Really though, you don't have a choice. When you invite him into your life, he remakes you so that eventually you WILL ask him for "Kingdom" usefulness - meaning you want to be his partner in softening hearts toward the Gospel message.
That is the only explanation I have for what has transpired. Don went on an interview last night with a family-owned janitorial company. The pay wasn't posted with the job, and benefits weren't mentioned, so we knew it couldn't be good. We decided the only thing he could do was to SUGGEST BUT NOT INSIST, that he only work part-time for the firm, so he could continue to actively seek full-time benefited work. One can work part-time and receive just a portion of the benefits (the difference after the part-time pay is subtracted), and still work on job hunting and getting additional training.
The proprietor actually offered to put the paycheck in Don's wife's name, so as to not affect unemployment benefits. Sounds like a stand up guy, hey? Don turned that down immediately. I think it's a bad sign that the guy has no ethics, but Don thinks this is typical behavior, especially in the business world. I'm sure it's true that many employers unable to afford benefits for their employees try to find some way to offset that negative. Doing so makes it more likely they will obtain and retain qualified employees.
The average weekly unemployment benefit is $350.00, so when laid-off workers work part-time during recessions, it saves the government money - always a good thing. I recently read that these part-time, in-between jobs are disappearing, so it's a blessing that he found one. Having one also means that it takes longer to exhaust one's maximum unemployment-benefit amount, which is a plus in long, painful recessions. What a blessing that our house payment is so low! We've been able to keep up with the full payments thus far, thanks in part to a tax refund.
The employer needed someone to start within forty-eight hours; there was obvious desperation. Any warm body was desired, as long as the individual didn't appear to be a nutcase. Don fit the bill, despite honest attempts to NOT get the job. It had to be God, I tell you. There was no way Don was NOT going to get this job.
The hours are 3:30 in the morning, four consecutive days a week, for roughly six hours at a time. And he'll be cleaning - BARS! Yes, that's right - bars. We are non-drinkers, but the Bible doesn't say one can't drink - only that one shouldn't be a drunkard. So, we can't exactly claim that cleaning bars is against our morals, which is one of the legitimate reasons to turn down work. I guess that means we can turn down strip-club cleaning? lol Tomorrow Don visits these bars with a sales rep from his firm, during the day. If there is anything immoral about the establishments, you can bet we'll be turning it down.
If he must do this, I have to assume there is someone at this company, or at these bars, who needs to hear the Gospel. Don has always shared the Gospel whenever and wherever it was appropriate. That said, I am very worried about him working around possible drunken behavior. Apparently he can wait until the bar clears out, but what about fights and such near the building? I am very, very concerned! The only comforting thought is that the bars are in good areas. Of the three, one is in a very affluent area, and the others are in middle-class areas.
Finally, this middle-of-the-night schedule means we should have lights out by 8 p.m. Both of us are night people, and this will be difficult, to say the least. God wants us retiring and rising earlier, and this is a sure way to make it happen.
Don will still be available to tag team with the homeschooling, and help with the children as needed. That is certainly a huge blessing, especially until Anna Grace is five months old, which is when the other three children became perpetual happy campers and were easily managed - notwithstanding teething periods.
If your husband is a corporate executive, or other similarly-salaried employee, I'm sure you can't relate to this post in the least. I wouldn't trade my husband for any other, but I do think when you read this, it might prompt you to hug your husband a little tighter and thank him for providing so well for his family. I'm sure it will warm his heart. It's always good to have some perspective, especially if you are frustrated that he can't be home much.
Let me only say that when you tell God you want to be useful to him - watch out! He will shape you like never before, which can be sooooo uncomfortable. Really though, you don't have a choice. When you invite him into your life, he remakes you so that eventually you WILL ask him for "Kingdom" usefulness - meaning you want to be his partner in softening hearts toward the Gospel message.
That is the only explanation I have for what has transpired. Don went on an interview last night with a family-owned janitorial company. The pay wasn't posted with the job, and benefits weren't mentioned, so we knew it couldn't be good. We decided the only thing he could do was to SUGGEST BUT NOT INSIST, that he only work part-time for the firm, so he could continue to actively seek full-time benefited work. One can work part-time and receive just a portion of the benefits (the difference after the part-time pay is subtracted), and still work on job hunting and getting additional training.
The proprietor actually offered to put the paycheck in Don's wife's name, so as to not affect unemployment benefits. Sounds like a stand up guy, hey? Don turned that down immediately. I think it's a bad sign that the guy has no ethics, but Don thinks this is typical behavior, especially in the business world. I'm sure it's true that many employers unable to afford benefits for their employees try to find some way to offset that negative. Doing so makes it more likely they will obtain and retain qualified employees.
The average weekly unemployment benefit is $350.00, so when laid-off workers work part-time during recessions, it saves the government money - always a good thing. I recently read that these part-time, in-between jobs are disappearing, so it's a blessing that he found one. Having one also means that it takes longer to exhaust one's maximum unemployment-benefit amount, which is a plus in long, painful recessions. What a blessing that our house payment is so low! We've been able to keep up with the full payments thus far, thanks in part to a tax refund.
The employer needed someone to start within forty-eight hours; there was obvious desperation. Any warm body was desired, as long as the individual didn't appear to be a nutcase. Don fit the bill, despite honest attempts to NOT get the job. It had to be God, I tell you. There was no way Don was NOT going to get this job.
The hours are 3:30 in the morning, four consecutive days a week, for roughly six hours at a time. And he'll be cleaning - BARS! Yes, that's right - bars. We are non-drinkers, but the Bible doesn't say one can't drink - only that one shouldn't be a drunkard. So, we can't exactly claim that cleaning bars is against our morals, which is one of the legitimate reasons to turn down work. I guess that means we can turn down strip-club cleaning? lol Tomorrow Don visits these bars with a sales rep from his firm, during the day. If there is anything immoral about the establishments, you can bet we'll be turning it down.
If he must do this, I have to assume there is someone at this company, or at these bars, who needs to hear the Gospel. Don has always shared the Gospel whenever and wherever it was appropriate. That said, I am very worried about him working around possible drunken behavior. Apparently he can wait until the bar clears out, but what about fights and such near the building? I am very, very concerned! The only comforting thought is that the bars are in good areas. Of the three, one is in a very affluent area, and the others are in middle-class areas.
Finally, this middle-of-the-night schedule means we should have lights out by 8 p.m. Both of us are night people, and this will be difficult, to say the least. God wants us retiring and rising earlier, and this is a sure way to make it happen.
Don will still be available to tag team with the homeschooling, and help with the children as needed. That is certainly a huge blessing, especially until Anna Grace is five months old, which is when the other three children became perpetual happy campers and were easily managed - notwithstanding teething periods.
If your husband is a corporate executive, or other similarly-salaried employee, I'm sure you can't relate to this post in the least. I wouldn't trade my husband for any other, but I do think when you read this, it might prompt you to hug your husband a little tighter and thank him for providing so well for his family. I'm sure it will warm his heart. It's always good to have some perspective, especially if you are frustrated that he can't be home much.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Motherly and Wifely Musings
That Emily Rose will now repeat anything we ask her to say, and she uses new words all day, including her first few two-word phrases. Speech class doesn't even start until next week! I'm so pleased and relieved, that today I raised my hands to the heavens and said, "Praise the Lord!" She did the same thing, only it came out ever so much sweeter, coming from my eternally-joyful Rose Bud.
In other news, Daniel woke up this morning and cleaned the playroom almost entirely by himself, without complaint or any prompting. He left a small pile of miscellaneous stuff for Timothy to put away. Then, after Timothy woke up, Daniel proceeded to clean their room, again leaving Timothy a small pile of junk to process. Did I think my ranting and raving last night would make such an impression? Not quite. But I was prepared to back my words and unplug the TV, if they attempted to turn it on before cleaning these two rooms. There was much less TV viewing, presumably because they didn't want to KEEP cleaning these two rooms. Mom=2 boys=0
During dinner tonight, I had Anna Grace in my lap, while dining next to Timothy. Anna kept smiling up at Timothy, in an attempt to engage him. I told him she wanted his attention, and he was thrilled and flattered! LOL Again during storytime she was in my arms, smiling up at Timothy. He finally noticed and began giving her attention. She was so happy! It's certainly hard sometimes, this raising of a life-filled, exuberant clan. But when you see glimpses of the friendship they enjoy, and the loyalty between them, you realize what a grand thing you're doing.
I feel ashamed somehow, of this vasectomy. It wasn't my decision, although I agreed it didn't appear that God was sending any help, or the financial means, to raise more children. The whole thing, though, makes it seem like we are telling God that in this area, we know best. Our wisdom trumps his. We are both old, and often feel sadness when we think about how old we will be when our kids start raising kids. Still, this doesn't seem right. Even if it is displeasing to God, my part was to step aside and not attempt to fight Don's decision. I think this will help peace come to me, eventually.
I have wondered if Don losing his job was a way to drive home the notion that WE are not in charge. Just like God doesn't want us picking and choosing which parts of the Bible we agree with, he also doesn't want us picking and choosing the areas in which we will trust him. According to the Bible, we can test him on the ten percent tithe, but there is no reference to any other testing. I think this testing of the tithe principal means that one can give 5% or some other figure, and wait to see how God blesses, before giving the whole ten percent. Throughout our ten-year marriage, we've learned that we can't afford to NOT tithe, whatever our circumstances. Now, I've come to believe that we can't afford to NOT TRUST, whatever our circumstances.
In other news, Daniel woke up this morning and cleaned the playroom almost entirely by himself, without complaint or any prompting. He left a small pile of miscellaneous stuff for Timothy to put away. Then, after Timothy woke up, Daniel proceeded to clean their room, again leaving Timothy a small pile of junk to process. Did I think my ranting and raving last night would make such an impression? Not quite. But I was prepared to back my words and unplug the TV, if they attempted to turn it on before cleaning these two rooms. There was much less TV viewing, presumably because they didn't want to KEEP cleaning these two rooms. Mom=2 boys=0
During dinner tonight, I had Anna Grace in my lap, while dining next to Timothy. Anna kept smiling up at Timothy, in an attempt to engage him. I told him she wanted his attention, and he was thrilled and flattered! LOL Again during storytime she was in my arms, smiling up at Timothy. He finally noticed and began giving her attention. She was so happy! It's certainly hard sometimes, this raising of a life-filled, exuberant clan. But when you see glimpses of the friendship they enjoy, and the loyalty between them, you realize what a grand thing you're doing.
I feel ashamed somehow, of this vasectomy. It wasn't my decision, although I agreed it didn't appear that God was sending any help, or the financial means, to raise more children. The whole thing, though, makes it seem like we are telling God that in this area, we know best. Our wisdom trumps his. We are both old, and often feel sadness when we think about how old we will be when our kids start raising kids. Still, this doesn't seem right. Even if it is displeasing to God, my part was to step aside and not attempt to fight Don's decision. I think this will help peace come to me, eventually.
I have wondered if Don losing his job was a way to drive home the notion that WE are not in charge. Just like God doesn't want us picking and choosing which parts of the Bible we agree with, he also doesn't want us picking and choosing the areas in which we will trust him. According to the Bible, we can test him on the ten percent tithe, but there is no reference to any other testing. I think this testing of the tithe principal means that one can give 5% or some other figure, and wait to see how God blesses, before giving the whole ten percent. Throughout our ten-year marriage, we've learned that we can't afford to NOT tithe, whatever our circumstances. Now, I've come to believe that we can't afford to NOT TRUST, whatever our circumstances.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A Large Measure of Grace
What is it about marriage that causes such an inexplicable, uncanny range of emotion? We aren't fighters by any means; peace usually prevails here. Mostly, we just don't have the time to get into spats - too many diapers to change, errands to run, tasks to complete. But anyhow, one day I'm on my knees thanking God for giving me just the right husband, and the next day I'm trying to keep my trap shut because I can't think of a single nice thing to say to my honey!
Last night I was on rocking chair duty, so Don decided to clean the kitchen. I was so thankful and blessed, until I went in there to take my vitamins before bed. The counters weren't wiped down, the stove was a mess, the garbage disposal wasn't run, and the sink wasn't clean. It's roughly 2:00 am at this point, and I'm irritated beyond belief that I had to finish the kitchen. Mind you, the rest of the house has been a mess for a few weeks, so I don't know why a clean kitchen means anything to me anymore. I didn't say anything, because I know why this occurs. Honey always says that men just don't have the same ability to attend to detail. Convenient excuse? LOL
While in California we listened to the testimony of a Vietnam Vet (later a pastor) who was badly injured in the war and demoralised by the reception the troops got upon their return to the US. He suffered from substance abuse and depression, and literally put his wife through hell for several years. One day, he walked in on her in their bedroom, on her knees, begging God to help her love her husband one more day. She had recently become a Christian, but he had not. He backed out of the bedroom, quietly. She never knew he was there. That was a turning point in their marriage. It helped him acknowledge his pain, his anger, his substance abuse, and soon after he became a Christian. In his forties, he became a pastor, after earning a degree in psychology and theology. He baptized me, and married us, and will forever hold a dear place in our hearts. Two months before we moved here, he suffered a massive heart attack and passed away quickly, at the age of 60, in the church courtyard. Our church had an average weekly attendance of 8000 people. He was beloved by all. The Lord used him mightily.
I tell this story because every time I feel extremely irritated at my husband, I remember the image of her kneeling beside her bed, praying that the Lord would help her love Dan one more day. If He can help her endure all the pain Dan caused, he can surely help me finish the kitchen at 2:00 am, armed with a large measure of grace towards my Honey.
Last night I was on rocking chair duty, so Don decided to clean the kitchen. I was so thankful and blessed, until I went in there to take my vitamins before bed. The counters weren't wiped down, the stove was a mess, the garbage disposal wasn't run, and the sink wasn't clean. It's roughly 2:00 am at this point, and I'm irritated beyond belief that I had to finish the kitchen. Mind you, the rest of the house has been a mess for a few weeks, so I don't know why a clean kitchen means anything to me anymore. I didn't say anything, because I know why this occurs. Honey always says that men just don't have the same ability to attend to detail. Convenient excuse? LOL
While in California we listened to the testimony of a Vietnam Vet (later a pastor) who was badly injured in the war and demoralised by the reception the troops got upon their return to the US. He suffered from substance abuse and depression, and literally put his wife through hell for several years. One day, he walked in on her in their bedroom, on her knees, begging God to help her love her husband one more day. She had recently become a Christian, but he had not. He backed out of the bedroom, quietly. She never knew he was there. That was a turning point in their marriage. It helped him acknowledge his pain, his anger, his substance abuse, and soon after he became a Christian. In his forties, he became a pastor, after earning a degree in psychology and theology. He baptized me, and married us, and will forever hold a dear place in our hearts. Two months before we moved here, he suffered a massive heart attack and passed away quickly, at the age of 60, in the church courtyard. Our church had an average weekly attendance of 8000 people. He was beloved by all. The Lord used him mightily.
I tell this story because every time I feel extremely irritated at my husband, I remember the image of her kneeling beside her bed, praying that the Lord would help her love Dan one more day. If He can help her endure all the pain Dan caused, he can surely help me finish the kitchen at 2:00 am, armed with a large measure of grace towards my Honey.
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