Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Acknowledging, Confessing

It seems you don't have to click far to read about a mother in Blogworld who is feeling guilty about her computer time. I went to the Memoria Arts blog today and found this comment from a mom named Sandy:

"I am finding that even when we are home and there is time this World Wide Web competes for MY heart over that of my children. I don't need to go anywhere in order to be drawn away from my family and kids. This is where I am trying to find more balance and I only post a few times a week." (Sandy)

I've already confessed to you my sin in this regard. Many of these mothers want nothing more than to be a wonderful blessing to their children and to their husband. I have no agenda in my heart other than this as well. And yet there is this THING--this addiction with the Web.

I've found new blogs lately that really speak to my soul and encourage me to dig down deep and bless my children and my home with my time. God IS SUFFICIENT. My family is sufficient. I want for nothing. And so why this THING?

I think I know. I haven't wanted to look at it this honestly, but now I must. Good mothering--the kind that blesses forever-- takes sacrifice. I am not sacrificial. I am selfish. We reap what we sow; it's as simple as that. I can't expect my children to love God as I desire them to, or to look back and feel blessed by their upbringing, if I am lazy on the job. And children know. They recognize sacrifice, and they recognize selfishness. They may not be capable of sacrifice themselves yet, but they can recognize it.

I have to take a look at who I truly am--not rest in the knowledge that I have good intentions. Good intentions mean nothing. They are nothing. I am grateful for these kids..for this husband. I am blessed to be in this place. God has put enough love in me. I need to start pouring it all out, in the form of time sacrifice. If I do, I know God will bless me and my family. He will refresh me in a way that transcends all understanding. The Internet isn't the problem. There are many positives about it. It is me..my heart.

I don't need to post everyday. I try to tell myself that it's to practice my writing, but truthfully many of my posts are lousy, due to insufficient time to reflect and to edit. Less is more.

I'll come to this space when I truly have something to say, which is probably more along the lines of a few times per week. And I'll come when I truly deserve a "break".

If you are similarly struggling, let's do it together and write about how God has blessed our acknowledging, our confessing, and our new sacrifice.

1 comment:

Joy said...

Oh, do I know this struggle well!

(And I've really enjoyed getting to 'know you' as you've commented over at MemArts...)

It is such, such a balance thing, and Sandy said that well. There was a time that I was really absorbed by computer time. I actually think it was my husband that gently sort of 'called me home' about it. I was shocked to realize just how much time I was spending in reading and things- and while it really was encouraging to me to read about others in journeys similar to my own, it really was a detriment to my family. Because I was spending all my time reading and not applying, in many ways. I do think this blogging community is a gift, but like any good thing, too much can just be too much.

I went on a blog sabbatical...no reading, no writing. It was about a year or so ago now? I think? After that, I came back slowly. And I find myself taking a break whenever I need to or I feel the need for silence. (And I think after the baby comes I may not be around very much for many reasons, and that's okay!)

Practically, I've found Google Reader (or bloglines, or similar software) to really help me prioritize my time online, which is limited to about an hour each day now (usually nap time). I have all my favorite blogs in there, and it lets me see who has updated. I can read it, star it, save it, whatever, come back to it later, put my own notes on it...it limits that extraneous 'click through' that usually pulls me into hours and hours. Every once in a while I allow myself the treat of doing just that- I grab a cup of coffee and go exploring. It means that I don't comment much, at least, not as much as I'd like to...but it's a balance I feel comfortable with.

In some ways, I find I treasure that time a lot more now because I know it is so limited...so I carefully consider where I want to spend my time after I've done homekeeping things like balance the bank account and check my email type stuff.

I'll be praying that you find your own balance in this! I know how hard it is.