Stages

Good Sunday morning to you. It was 85 degrees here yesterday! Hope you are enjoying warmth of your own! The children had a blast on the slip 'n slide yesterday. Yes - I know. I should have taken photos. Instead, I was out on the porch waist deep in clothes and storage bins!

And by the way, Daddy set the lawnmower very low and mowed away the monstery dandelions. I have a feeling we shouldn't bother putting the lawnmower back in the over-crowded shed. This entire Township is littered with dandelions for about six weeks every spring. Our first spring here, we were shocked.

Arwen suggested that maybe the fearful behaviors I wrote about yesterday might be normal childhood behaviors. I hope so Arwen! If any of you out there have children with flower fears, or other seemingly-irrational fears, please comment! It would be encouraging, especially if there aren't any phobias in your family history.

Insomnia reared its ugly head in the wee hours. Usually it's a negative thing, but this time I may have stumbled upon something helpful.

You've heard of the stages of grief? Although they are usually associated with losing a loved one, I know they can also occur after a disappointing diagnosis, a divorce, etc.

Denial - This isn't happening to me.
Anger- Why is this happening to me?
Bargaining - I promise I'll be a better person if...
Depression - I don't care anymore.
Acceptance - I'm ready for whatever comes.

ADHD isn't something that is diagnosed via blood or other tests. Consequently, receiving a diagnosis isn't necessarily a definitive event. There can be many reasons children display the characteristics of ADHD at certain points in their lives. The best medicine can do is say a child probably has it. The diagnosis becomes more sure after a few years, when other possibilities can be ruled out.

We've come to the point at which we can be 90% certain that Daniel has this. I realized in the wee hours that I am experiencing the anger stage of grief. I've been pushing it away, thinking that a Christian shouldn't be feeling so much anger.

One thing I do know about grief is that you can't run away from it. You have to go through it, if you want peace to take residence in your heart again. It is a matter of discipline really. Running away from it feels easier, but it only prolongs the pain.

So, as a matter of discipline, I would just like to say:

God, how could you!

How could you allow such an ugly thing to happen to my child! I only want to love my children with all my heart, and you've allowed something to get in the way! Half the time, I despise my son for what he puts us through! How awful! How ugly! How tragic! I hate what you've allowed. I hate it!

I hate that we had to put our son on an amphetamine! Disgusting, God! Disgusting! I hate that his legs and arms have gotten so skinny! My heart aches mightily that I have to remind him now to snack, and to finish his meals! Daniel - my boy who loves food! How could you! A drug, God! We put our son on a drug! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! You didn't heal! You didn't!

But I still love YOU, with all my heart. And I know you have great plans for my son!