Monday, August 4, 2008

I Wanted This Gig

I've been a stay-at-home mom for three years now. I wouldn't have it any other way; I love it. That's the honest truth. But today? It really stunk. Or rather, I really stunk. I felt so ill-suited for the job. That happens every so often - like a few times a week. lol

When I think about how hard I prayed to make this stay-at-home gig possible, I'm ashamed of these feelings. What is wrong with me? How can something I love so deeply, and wanted for so long, drive me this insane? Is it simply the chores and endless messes and requests that make it so hard? Is it possible that one can only truly enjoy it if servants were in residence? I REALLY want to enjoy this! I want my children to have happy memories of their childhood. Instead, there are days I shudder to think of the memories we're making here.

I have moments of being the mother I want to be. Moments of patience, of tenderness, of brilliance, of efficiency. But there are so many other moments of crankiness, impatience, lack of humor, and lack of motivation. I've heard the raising of very young children described as mind-numbingly boring. Am I bored? I don't think so; it's too challenging to be boring, really. Is it the repetitiveness?

I prayed much today, based on the lesson from church yesterday. I'll keep on doing it. I believe it's the answer. God can give me the enjoyment, the patience, the enthusiasm. He can cover over my sins. Erase them. Hallelujah!


Fern said...

I relate to every word of this post. Boring? Oh, I WISH it was boring!! :) May tomorrow bring a better day.

Evenspor said...

I haven't heard anything from or of Ashley. She's probably just busy with the baby.

Steph said...

I, too, have structured my life so I can be home with the kids as much as possible, but working from home often leaves me frazzled. They don't always get the best parts of me. I also feel bad when I don't feel completely fulfilled by the mommy role - but the truth is, yes, the mind-numbing drudgery of the associated chores can suck the life out of ya! And I hate how I sometimes get so focused on doing the chores that I can't live in the moment with my little children. Even though I know this, it is hard to change the pattern. Still, every day we learn, right?

Liz said...

Hi Pam... I too wanted this gig and I too feel as though I'm not so good at it more often than not. Isn't that just like God to grant us the desires of our hearts and then use that fulfillment to help form us into who He really wants us to be?