Checking In

I haven't written in five days. It's 9:20 p.m. and I must get this published fast. Last night Emily, working on an incisor and possibly a molar, woke up at midnight and didn't go back to sleep until 4 a.m. Grueling, even though she didn't fuss much. She tried to go back to sleep after her midnight nursing, but she was just too uncomfortable. This has happened before; she just stays awake, tossing, turning, and alternating between wanting to be cuddled and wanting to go back to her crib. I only slept from 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. My body is worn out and my nerves are frazzled. It takes discipline for me to go to bed early, but tonight I simply must, to be a good mommy tomorrow.

I reread my last post and feel so silly about the whole thing. Why, oh why do I ever look up symptoms on the Internet? It always alarms me and sends my mind into stupid spirals. Daniel is, indeed, hard to raise, but I'm sure he will be just fine. I seriously doubt that he is developing OCD. I'm a moron.

Things are still rough financially. Don was working on Saturdays at his elementary school to act as grounds supervisor while the school gym was being used for Kiwanis basketball. It was double-time pay and really helped us out. The group is finished for the year and no other organization is signed up to use the gym. We're scrambling to find a part-time something for him or a babysitting job for me to make up the difference. Our tax refund, due in several days, couldn't be more timely. God is like that. He must be teaching us something really important, to have us hang on like this with so little financial security. Little chunks of money have been coming just in the nick of time in the past few years. I've never once seriously considered going back to work, even though the monthly financial numbers still don't work out for me to be home.

We always take Emily to the doctor right on time for her check-ups and shots. After the last three visits, I was worried about how we would meet our insurance deductible and pay her doctor in a timely manner. Turns out he is having his computer system redone, so there has been, so far, a four-month delay in sending out bills. Now with the tax refund coming, I know I can definitely pay her check-up bills right away when they do arrive. I choose to see this coincidence as an amazing example of how he provides.

I am reading a book entitled A Mom Just Like You, which was written by the wife (Vickie Farris) of the Home School Legal Defense Foundation's founder. She has ten children, four grown and married, and has homeschooled all of them. It has been a blessing, sent to me by a homeschooling friend. It's full of a wealth of Scripture to encourage, exhort, and support all homeschooling mothers.

One thing that really convicted me as I read, was the chapter on not neglecting our husbands, which homeschooling moms can easily do. I set out, before having kids, to always put my relationship with my husband first, since that firm foundation and happy love is so important for the kids to see. We have that firm foundation and plenty of love, but I don't take enough time to make him feel special, or even to cuddle enough. Emotional exhaustion has been my excuse, partially from raising a high-needs child like Daniel, but I can't continue to feel justified in my neglect of my husband. It will eventually lead to trouble and I'm glad to have read the Scriptural reminder to get back on track.

I have been further convicted, again, of my daytime computer use. For two days this week, I did not check e-mail until Emily's second nap, or read any blogs until that time. I got so much more done! And I was more of a blessing as a mother.

Things went downhill today since I was so punchy and exhausted. I read several blogs throughout the day while Emily napped. The boys have been rambunctious; jumping off the couch, playing ball or chase around the house, rather than getting bundled and doing it outside. I have had a time disciplining them the past two days. All this was further complicated because Don ended up having to work double shifts the last two days; the day custodian is recovering from surgery. We need the money, so he agreed to do it. Boy! How do single mothers do it? I've had a time these past two days. Seriously, I'm wondering if it was wise to bring two active boys to Ohio, given the long winters and their disdain for bundling up, and for the cold fingers and toes sensation. I'm sure I'll probably only feel this way in February and March.