free writing critiques

Terry Tiffany (from the blog "Terry Tiffany Inspirational Writer") wrote the paragraphs below, and sent them to the "So You Want To Be Published" blog, for a free critique from a published writer.

I wasn't going to write any blog posts until Thursday, but this post on Tiffany's blog excited me!  I wanted to share it.  The caliber of writing shown below is what I aspire to, someday, when I'm done with diapers and pouring drinks and sweeping up Cheerios.  It will lend purpose to my empty-nest years.  All I can do now is write, write, write.  And read more fiction to study the craft. 

The critiquing author emphasizes that good writing will show the reader the scene, not tell.  That, and "good beefy verbs", are something to which I'll aspire.  And I must use fewer commas!

Who knew one could get a free writing education via blogs!  Exciting!
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Lizzy Batron’s sandal-clad foot played with the accelerator like a teenager with a new license. Faster. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and stomped the pedal. Lizzy catapulted past the scene of her three-year old crime as though Satan himself chased her.


Maybe he did.

The Chevy pick-up fishtailed through the curves, ramming her shoulder against the door. One hundred yards later, when she could breathe again, she wriggled her fingers, feeling hot blood course through them.

Still alive. As always.

Only then did her foot ease up on the gas.

Ten minutes later, she parked her truck alongside the grassy lane of Abington Cemetery. Her T-shirt caught on the rusty doorframe as she slid from the cab. Dang. She flinched when she caught sight of the jagged tear—an exact match to the one in her heart.

She kicked the door shut.

Ornate benches and faded Memorial Day flags directed her path until she came upon her husband’s familiar headstone. Lizzy studied his grassy mound, sprinkled with red peonies her mother-in-law had planted earlier that spring. Then she glanced back down the slight incline. “You always said you wanted the best view, Tom. Guess you got your wish.”

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A published writer made comments about Terri's writing.  See below.

Lizzy Batron’s sandal-clad foot played with the accelerator like a teenager with a new license.(Very nice) Faster. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and stomped the pedal. Lizzy catapulted past the scene of her three-year old crime as though Satan himself chased her. (great word pictures).

Maybe he did. (Nice use of a paragraph break. Gives good impact.)

The Chevy pick-up fishtailed through the curves, ramming her shoulder against the door. One hundred yards later, when she could breathe again, she wriggled her fingers, feeling hot blood course through them.

Still alive. As always.

Only then did her foot ease up on the gas.

Ten minutes later, she parked her truck alongside the grassy lane of Abington Cemetery. Her T-shirt caught on the rusty doorframe as she slid from the cab. Dang. She flinched when she caught sight of the jagged tear—an exact match to the one in her heart. (Stunning. Great paragraph. Good imagery.)

She kicked the door shut. (Great, shows her emotion.)

Ornate benches and faded Memorial Day flags directed her path until she came upon her husband’s familiar headstone.Really nice visual writing here. I can see it. Lizzy studied his grassy mound, sprinkled with red peonies her mother-in-law had (When you say "earlier that spring," you don't need the "had" since the reader now knows it happened in the past.) planted earlier that spring. Then she glanced back down the slight incline. “You always said you wanted the best view, Tom. Guess you got your wish.”

Published writer's additional comments:
This is well written with BEEFY BEAUTIFUL VERBS! Yes, I'm shouting!!! Hooray for great verbs!!!!

This is beautifully written. It's visual. Deep. It's showing, not telling. You can see the desperation of the protagonist, and a strong hint of conflict. Study this one, folks. I'm not one to dole out compliments.